Finding our Way

Injuries, Toys and Anniversaries!!!!

2011-11-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been a while since I have written a new post and even this one probably won't be the deep, well thought out post that I like to write but I have a few minutes of quiet and I thought I'd try to get an update in.
Wil has been home for two weeks with an injured shoulder and it looks like he may be home a few weeks more before he is released to go back to work. I LOVE having him home. Since I am disabled it is tough being home alone all the time and I have to say that except for the fact that he is completely bored at this point because he is restricted from most activities (including spanking!!!) I am so happy to have someone with me all day long.

Of course it can be dangerous having him not at work. Yesterday after his physical therapy session in the city he suggested that we go to a store called Leather Etc. I figured they would have a lot of purses, jackets, hats, and maybe, somewhere hidden in the back, they would have a small area of leather "toys". WRONG!!! I should have known something was up when we had to ring a bell to be let in. This store was the exact opposite of what I was expecting it was almost all TOYS and very little jackets and such. Well Wil was in heaven, I think he must have played with almost every implement in the store before settling on a purple leather crop, a beautiful, soft and supple pink and black collar, and a pink leather Y strap that attaches my wrist restraints to my collar or ankle restraints. Plus he got a lot of Christmas ideas and to make matters worse this store is just a few blocks away from his job so I am afraid our "private" Christmas gifts this year will not be pleasant, at least not for my bottom.

Luckily we were unable to really break-in the crop because of Wil's shoulder injury but he did try it out with his left hand and all I can say is OUCH!!!! It's stingy and very easy to be accurate with even with his left hand. I don't look forward to our first maintenance session when this can actually be used properly with his right hand. I see a love/hate relationship with this implement in my future.

Finally before I finish I want to wish Wil a Happy Third Anniversary on our DD relationship. It will be three years this Friday since we began what has been the best thing to ever happen to us as a couple. We have come so far, learned so much and fallen in love all over again. It has been three years of incredible discoveries and sharing so much more then we ever thought possible. It is unbelievable where we are now and I know it will only continue to get better. I look forward to every new experience that we will share this year and in the years to come. I only wish we had discovered this thirty years ago when we first met. But perhaps it is so much sweeter now because we had to wait so long. I love you babe and thank you for becoming the man that I have always dreamed of as I try to learn how to become the woman you are helping me to be.

Torn

2011-10-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

I asked for this right?
I wrote him the letter that you saw in my last post. I asked him to push me past my limits. I asked him to make me his........
And he has. He has done everything I asked of him. He has completely stepped up and become the dom that I asked him to be but there in lies the problem.

I don't want to submit!!!! Or do I??? I want my freedom, yet I want to be controlled. I want both, but I want them on my terms not his. I am so TORN!

This morning, after a wonderful week vacation together, I got my daily email from Wil. It said what he wanted me to do today. Unpack from vacation. "Okay", I thought to myself," not a problem, I can do that." Then he went on to remind me that we are home now and it was time to start following the daily rules again.
Drink water....Okay.
Eat Right....I can do that.
Take your pills......Yuck, but alright.
One diet coke a day.....Well that's a tough one but doable.
Call me to spend money.....Even this was fine.
They were all the usual rules. Ones that I could step and and do for him since he had stepped up for me. Then the email continued. I have a new rule, the email stated. This one is going to be hard for you to swallow but I need to take more charge of you. From now on, the rule says, you are to call me and get approval before you drive your car.
UH NO!!!!!
It's my car, it's my freedom, it's my escape from the world when I need it! My car is my sanctuary, it's MINE!!!

For a long time I didn't have my own car. I used one of Wil's. He had his FJ, he had his Porsche and I drove them, but they weren't mine, they were his. I was simply using them when I needed to. Cars have always been a huge part of my life they give me so much joy and the few years I went without my own sucked, so when I won my SSI settlement the first thing I did was bought myself my own car. MY car, not Wil's! I don't have to share it, I could hang whatever I wanted from the rear view mirror. I could keep my cd's in it and listen to my music. I could do whatever I wanted in it because it was MINE. Now Wil wanted to control that too. REALLY????

At first when I read the new rule I was amazed that Wil was pushing his dominance over me to such a high level. It was exactly what I had asked for. Then I woke up, the sleepiness cleared from my head and I got angry. There was no way that I was going to agree to this rule. He'd never even mentioned such a thing before. He knew how I felt about my car and the freedom it gave me. By instilling such a rule he was taking away my freedom, my ability to escape anytime I wanted or needed. This new rule completely dominated my entire life! (I know, that's the whole idea right?)

So once again after a good start to a submissive morning I became torn. Torn by my desire to submit to Wil's rules and my desire to remain in charge of my life. I wondered should I call Wil and discuss this new rule with him? Should I simply submit and do as he requested? Should I find some way to twist the rule around to my advantage? (something that I am very good at doing) Should I make up side rules to his rule so that I was still submitting but so that he didn't have such a strong grip on me? I sat there wondering am I the only person who has this much trouble with rules? Am I the only submissive person, or in my case, wannabe submissive person who just can't bring herself to follow the rules no matter how much she wants them? Do any other subs out there struggle this much with submitting?

The more I struggled with what to do the angrier I got. Then the angry me, who I call my evil twin's voice sounded off and here's what she said, "The rule stated to call for permission to drive my car, no other car. So go out to the garage, take Wil's Porsche and drive it today. That way when he gets home and asks you why you never called for permission to drive your car you can look at him with an innocent grinchly grin and say, "That's because I didn't drive my car, I drove the Porsche, and you never said I had to call for permission to drive it!"

Oh that would show him! I'd completely turn this one around on him. I'd show him that he can't take my car away from me without there being consequences. I'm much smarter then that! It was an incredible plan! I loved it! It would be just what he deserved for trying to take away my freedom. And three years ago before TTWD it is exactly what I would have done. In fact it was exactly what my evil twin was begging me to do. It was classic Janet rebellion. It would make it very clear that I couldn't be dominated unless I wanted to and it would show Wil who was really in charge. But deep inside there was another voice as well. Much softer and quieter but for some reason it was overpowering the voice of my evil twin. This voice said that Wil didn't deserve that type of treatment, that he had stepped up, done exactly what I had asked of him and that not only did he deserve more respect then that but our relationship deserved more as well. I owed him my submission not the rantings and plotting of my evil twin. He had stepped up, could I?

So as I write this post I am sitting at my morning restaurant, drinking my one diet coke for the day and eating a healthy breakfast so that I can do the things that Wil asked me to do today. My pills have been taken and the bottles of water are at home in the freezer getting nice and cold so I can drink my water today as well......see I can submit!

As for the car situation, well I am happy to report that the Porsche is still comfortably tucked away in the garage where it belongs. I decided that I would not drive it out of rebellion. My car sits outside the window of the restaurant that I am at. My freedom is still there beckoning me for another chance to escape from the craziness of the world. I smile when I see her out there because she is mine, my enjoyment, my way to blow off steam when the world gets too crazy. Did I call Wil and ask him if I could drive her to breakfast??????......Uh, no. But hey I didn't take the Porsche and for me my friends that is a huge step in my path towards being a submissive wife. I'll get there someday, as for now all I can do is just takes baby steps.

"What I want".....A letter to my Dom

2011-09-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

I want to be yours, completely.

I want you to demand more from me then you think I am willing to give.

I want to be held accountable for my actions no matter how big or small they may be.

I want to be bound by you, taken by you in any way you please and in doing so I want to please you.

I want to grow in my submission through growth of your dominance.

I want us to travel this journey together and never stop learning more and more about our hopes, dreams and desires.

I want you to make me yours, heart, body, mind and soul.

I wrote this for Wil and gave it to him last night........tonight we will discuss it while we are alone.......to be continued.

I had to share this......OMG too funny!!!

2011-09-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

I just saw this on TV and had to share it with the Spanking Community. Guess Spanking isn't so taboo after all!!!!! LOL.

Inside the mind of a Spanko

2011-09-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

So what is it that makes some of us have a need for submission and spanking in our lives when others find the thought of submission and/or spanking unreasonable or ridiculous? I don't know if there is one good answer for that question. Is it upbringing? Events that have taken place in our lives? Something sexual? Or perhaps some of us are just wired to be spankos? I have taken a hard look at myself, my childhood, my sexual desires and even my personality and there are aspects of all of these that I think could lead to my desire for spanking and submission in my life. I just can't put my finger on one event or thing that has created this desire.

My childhood was completely without discipline. Either my parents didn't care enough to discipline my sister and I, were too lazy to deal with it or too busy with their own lives to deal with the two children they had made. I think the third reason is the most likely. They had their own lives, their own desires and their own goals and children really didn't fit well into those plans. I think they had us because it was what you did back then, what you were expected to do. It didn't matter if you would make a good parent or not. You got married, bought a house, had two and a half kids, got a dog and a couple of cars. That was what was expected. And that is exactly what my parents did and then they went on with their own lives and left us to fend for ourselves. I never felt as if they cared enough to discipline me yet I always had a desire for someone to take control. My parents never did, perhaps that is where some of this comes from.

Growing up there was emotional abuse from my parents, nothing we did was ever good enough for them. There was also a lot of bullying in our neighborhood and at school and sexual abuse from a babysitter. I am not sure how or even if this would be something that would create a need or desire to be submissive but it may have. Unfortunately I never studied psychology so I am not sure what the association there would be. I just wonder how many of us spankos were either emotionally abused or physically abused as children. Is there a link?

Sexually I was a giant prude for the first 25 years of our marriage. I will never forget the night I approached Wil with the idea of living a spanking lifestyle. I told him that I had needs, desires and a lot of sexual fantasies. You should have seen the look on his face, he was completely astounded at what I was saying. I think he honestly believed that I was happy with our completely dull sex life. It wasn't his fault, I just had never talked about sex with him and he had no idea that I had any sexual desires or sexual fantasies. Wow, looking back now I wonder what happened to that person, the prude, because finally the fantasies have all been fullfilled and the sex is incredible!! It's amazing what TTWD does for a relationship.

Now as for being a spanko fitting in with ones personality I just don't think I fit into that mold either. My personality is an ever changing facet of my life. In social situations I am shy and even a bit scared. I don't like them, never have never will. I can always be found hanging on to Wil for dear life in social situations. I need him there to keep me strong and protect me. Yet at work I was the leader. Strong, demanding, a complete take charge person whose work ethics are extremely high. Kind of different then the shy person who hides behind her husband in social situations. I still have friends who argue with me when I say that I really am a shy person. Those who I let in are few but with them I am completely comfortable and they just don't see that side of me. For years it was the leader who prevailed in my personal life. At home I made the decisions, I never asked for permission from anyone. I didn't need to, I was strong and able to conquer all that I confronted. At least that is what I thought. Well if I was so good at all of this then why was my marriage struggling so much? I have never asked Wil what side of my personality he likes best. The shy person who needs his protection or the strong person that takes charge and doesn't need anyone to tell her what to do. He would probably say a little of both, I think I will ask him tonight, I may be surprised at the answer.

So once again, there's nothing in my personality that I can pinpoint that makes me a spanko. But I am and I have been for as long as I can remember. All my fantasies even as a child were of being submissive and disciplined. I have always believed that if someone truly loved me then they would take the time to help make me a better person, lead me and even discipline me. It's what I asked Wil to do on that fateful night nearly three years ago and thankfully it is something that he agreed to, okay maybe with a little persuasion but that was definitely the old Wil. The new Wil needs no persuasion at all to be an HOH, leader, and disciplinarian, he's got it down quite well......hmm once again the words, "careful what you wish for" come into play, LOL.

So what do you think? Do any of my situations sound familiar to you? Are there other reasons that you can think of that has made you a spanko? Or do you think that some of us are just hard wired to live this type of lifestyle? I'd love to hear what your views are on this.

I'm Baaaack!!!

2011-09-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone....it's been awhile, eight months actually, but I couldn't stay away. I feel out of sorts when I am not blogging and sharing my experiences in TTWD with all of you. I thought that perhaps it would be easier to live our own version of DD if I wasn't constantly reading about how other people do it but that just isn't the case. Wil and I are comfortable in our DD relationship and I know now that how we do things may not be exactly how other people do it, but it works for us. Well most of the time it does. Recently I have been having a lot of difficulty with my role as a submissive wife. I still struggle with the thought that being submissive means being weak in some way. I was raised in a home where my mother was the dominant force in my parents relationship as well as being very strong willed and controlling. Because of this I find it hard to accept that a woman doesn't need to be in charge. That following the lead of my husband is the way it should be and for us the way it works best. But still in the back of my mind I hear that little voice that says, "To be strong you have to be in control."

Luckily DV over at A Dauntless Journey came to my rescue. He wrote a very thought provoking blog about the strength of a submissive woman. Everything he said was exactly what I needed to hear today. It takes a lot more inner strength to remain submissive to someone then it does to just do as you please. It is so much easier to lead then to follow. To be in control rather then to be submissive. I think that is what I had forgotten recently. I am not weak because I submit I am strong. Strong enough to know what I need in my life and my relationship and strong enough to allow my husband to lead me. It's time I start living by those standards again and I look forward to the renewed closeness that living TTWD brings.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye......

2011-01-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

I think as a lot of my followers have figured out I haven't been blogging. So I wanted to write this post and say goodbye. It's been a great year and a half and I have enjoyed meeting and reading all of you. But when something in life becomes a chore it's time to let it go. Life is just too crazy right now to continue trying to do something that isn't enjoyable. I got what I wanted and needed out of this blog. I made friends and you all know who you are. I learned about DD and how others use it in their lives. I got to share our DD relationship and both help people with theirs and find help with mine. But Wil and I are at a place in our DD life that we are confident, comfortable and happy. It is an awesome place to be. It is also a place that doesn't leave a lot to talk about.

We have found our way. It is exactly where we want to be and exactly where I wish we had always been but good things come to those who wait. And DD is the greatest gift that we have ever found. So without making this painful or full of excuses I will sign off with a thank you to all who followed me, read me and stayed in the background as lurkers. Any and all of you are welcome to contact me at any time with questions or just to say hi at my regular email: Silverdreamer@comcast.net.

I wish all of you well in your journey in the lifestyle you have chosen and I may even stop in every now and then just to say hi.
Janet

Christmas Blessings..............

2010-12-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

I love this picture. I seem to use it every year but it just is the perfect Christmas morning setting. A beautiful tree, cozy fire and warm decorations. Now all I need is the family I love and some hot cider and all will be perfect. And it will be. I am lucky to say that the stress is winding down, the shopping and wrapping is done. The baking still hovers but is do-able and I am able to sit back, light some candles and enjoy this time of year.

My big, giant, goofy dog is asleep next to me on the couch. Oh Holy Night is playing in the back ground and I am at peace. It won't last. It will get crazy once again, but that's part of the fun. Tonight is a new family tradition. Grandkids, hot cocoa, cookies and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on DVD. Our granddaughter has never seen it and I want to start her loving it as much as I do. Besides she needs to know where my Bumbles the Abominable snowman collection is from. This should be a lot of fun!!!! Then tomorrow everyone is home for a last minute cleaning and cooking rush. But once again since we will all be together so it will be nice. Wil is a great cook and enjoys helping out in the kitchen. We should have a few hours alone tomorrow night while our daughter is out and hopefully fit in some desperately needed reconnection time. Wil has been sick for over a week with a nasty cold so we haven't had any "Us" time.

Then Christmas will once again be crazy but fun. All the family will be here for a big Christmas dinner and to open gifts. This is the first year that our oldest granddaughter is really excited about Christmas and understanding more and more so I can't wait to see her reaction to all the gifts. What a special blessing grandchildren are, they are more precious then anything. I think this whole grandparent thing is so incredible.

So that's my next few days. It's time to put the computer away for awhile and just enjoy the peacefulness of this time of year. Light a fire, enjoy the blessings this season brings to us all and enjoy the closeness of family and friends. I hope you are all as blessed as I am and can sit back, relax and remember all that is truly special in your lives. So to all my blogger friends, those I know so well and those I am just getting to know. May God bless you all this Christmas and may all your Christmas dreams come true.

W.T.F.!!!!!!!

2010-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

Okay so in my home I am outnumbered, outwitted and outgunned!!! Sounds a lot like a Survivor title. Well in this house recently I think perhaps I am low man on the jury and am about to get voted out!!! Or at least voted to the bedroom for some serious action.

Here's why I feel so picked on!!! LOL. If you look at the picture to the left you will see that Wil got a new "gift"!!! Yes, not only did my daughter get him a gift certificate for his birthday for time alone for Wil and I to have a nice LONG spanking session then she shows up with this lovely wooden spoon for him as an early Christmas gift!! They laugh, they plot, they scheme and all at my bottoms expense. Something here just doesn't see right!!! Even my great dane seems to be on their side recently. I call him over for protection and he listens to Wil!!!! NOT FAIR I tell you!!!!

Yesterday my email from Wil thanked me for being so good recently and asked if it was perhaps because Santa was on his way. UH NO!!!! It's because of that horrible thing you call a spoon!!!! I can only hope that the first time he uses it he discovers, much to his disappointment, that it had a hairline fracture in it and it splits into two....even better yet a million pieces.

So what's a girl to do when all have turned on her???? Well I could run away.... but Christmas is much too close and I want presents! I could have a nice fire while Wil is at work and burn the damn thing!!! UH NO!!! That would not go over so well. So I guess I will just have to do what any sensible sub would do in this situation....I better behave!!!!

Hope you all have a great week this week. Get lots of shopping and wrapping done. Don't stress too much and most of all like me, BEHAVE!!!!

It's the most Wonderful time of the year.

2010-12-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

It's early and I've been up quite a while doing some thinking. Let's just say that PMS and Christmas don't mix. So bear with me on my Christmas rant.

I haven't been posting a lot because not a lot has been going on. Oh there have been warnings given and punishments promised but my health always seems to get in the way of our time together. It is hard sometimes to keep a blog going when nothing is going on. But I wanted to put this time of year into perspective.

Since I couldn't sleep I started surfing the web. My usual habit when sleep evades me. This morning I started at Craigslist looking for those nice oak end tables and coffee table that seem to be just out of my reach. Seems every time I find one that works they are already gone. Not a problem I will prevail eventually and the perfect set will show up one day. I just can't seem to tear myself away from the 1980-1990 obsession with oak furniture. Oh well, guess I will just date myself with my furnishings! LOL.

Next I left feedback for my ebay purchases. Most have safely arrived and in great condition, just like promised. One doesn't seem to want to show up. Of course it's a Christmas gift so I am panicking even though I still have almost two weeks. After my ebay visit I do a little more surfing of the web and a lot more PMS'ing and pity partying. Oh, woe is me. I don't feel good, Wil and I didn't get any time alone this weekend to reconnect....blah, blah, blah, blah. You've heard it all before. Then I head over to our local newspaper's website just to check out what's happening in our little town. That's when reality clicks.

The front page headline is about a young man who is going to do a run across the country to bring awareness to Batten's Disease. Here's the link to the story Batten's Disease just click and it will take you there. This story really hit home with me and here's why. The family that this young man is running for is very close to us. One of the children, now young adult, afflicted with this devestating and always fatal disease is my daughter's best friend. She has been for nearly 10 years. We have watched as my daughter's best friend has gone from a fun loving little girl to a now blind, and non comunicative young woman. We have also watched as this disease has taken her younger sisters sight and her ability to communicate rationally. It is a horrible disease and usually I am right there every year for this family, helping, cheering them on, doing what I can for them. However since I have gotten worse with my sickness I have stopped helping them. Maybe I can't do as much for them as I use to but I can still do something. I just choose not to. I am happier in my little house avoiding all my friends as I feel more and more sorry for myself and this disease that has taken my ability to live a full and thriving life. How selfish is that! I am not going to die, I am not going blind or losing two of my children. I simply can't stand up or sit up like I use to be able to do. Yes, I have bad days but nothing like compared to that of my friends who are losing two children. And now I find that a 26 year old is setting aside almost four months of his life to bring attention to this disease for this family and I recently have done nothing for them. Talk about a rude awakening!!!!

Feeling bad about how I have been ignoring this incredible family I read on, hoping to find some good in my visit to our local paper. The next article I read is about a 26 year old who just had his last wish granted by a local hospice. Here's the article on his fight. Another article about someone who will probably not see another Christmas after this one. Hmm, I am begining to see a pattern here. Perhaps it's a wake up call to poor little old me who thinks life is soooo difficult right now. Yeah, I would have to say definitely a wake up call. I guess the good news I was looking for wasn't actually written in the paper. It was written between the lines of the articles that I read. The article I should have been reading would be titled, It's the most WONDERFULtime of the year. It would be about all the things we have to be thankful for this holiday season. It would let us know that even though things look bad in our lives whether it be our health, the economy, finances, romances, family trouble, whatever that you can't stop and hide from it. You need to keep smiling and you need to keep giving. I think when you let something take you away from the people or things that are important in your life then that thing has won and you have lost. And I have decided one very important thing this morning. I am no longer going to let this thing win!!!! I am too valuable of a person, of a wife, of a mother and of a friend to let one health issue take me away from all that is important to me. I need to remember that it can always be much worse and to sit around and feel sorry for myself is NOT the answer at Christmas time or anytime.

I need to be out there doing what makes me feel good and that is helping others. Somewhere along the way I forgot that. Somewhere along the way it became all about me and my struggles. That is not what life should be about. Life is about giving back for all the blessings we do have, even if there are obstacles in the way. So today I am going to get out of bed, do what needs to be done. And then I am going to see my friends who have been ignored for so long. I will bring them tidings of good cheer and maybe a Christmas goose or two. Well maybe just some starbucks coffee but you get the idea. So I will be Scrooge no more, Bah Humbug will not be heard in this house again and I will keep Christmas in my heart all year long. I hope you all will too!

This is what happens when I am bored!!!

2010-12-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

My evil twin is running amok again!!! This mornings e-mail from Wil said that one of my chores today was to "rap" not "wrap" some presents. Yes he forgot the W. So being my evil and very bored self, who should be cleaning and wrapping not rapping, this is what I did.

I know I am losing it, but being disabled and stuck in a house 24/7 you have to do something to keep yourself entertained. I hope you all like it. I'll let you know what Wil's reaction was once I hear from him.....hmm is this a spankable offense?

Two years in, what I've learned.

2010-12-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

Two Years ago I asked you to lead me.

You took my hand and we've never looked back.

Through the struggles and the accomplishments our love has flourished.

You mean more to me now then I ever thought possible.

Thank you for being my HOH.

Last month marked the second year anniversary of TTWD. We've been through good times and some really bad times through those two years but through it all I have learned so much about myself, my husband and our love and life together. It has been an incredible experience that I never dreamed would happen to us. My only regret in this whole thing is not finding it sooner. Wil and I wouldn't have lost so many years struggling as a couple and could have had this so much earlier in our lives. I guess everything happens when it does for a reason and maybe, without those struggles, we would have never really appreciated what we have now.

So what have I learned over the past two years. Well first and foremost TTWD doesn't come easy. It takes dedication on both sides, a lot of patience (which I don't have!) and most importantly it takes deep and meaningful communication, without that it will never work. It also is something that needs to be nurtured. TTWD is constantly changing and we need to be able to change with it. As couples go through the steps of living a domestic discipline marriage they need to grow, to accept the change that it brings into a relationship and to be able to look deep into themselves and really know who they are as well as who their partner is.

I don't think I knew myself at all before beginning our DD relationship. Things I thought made me a strong person didn't. My walls were firmly up and determined to stay that way and I was extremely selfish and never putting Wil's wants or desires before mine. Two years in, I understand that being strong doesn't mean holding everything in and dealing with it yourself. Being strong is being able to open up to your partner and express you feelings. The good feelings and the bad feelings, it's about breaking down those walls that kept you safe from the hurt but also kept you from feeling anything at all. Being strong is about letting go and letting someone else take the reins (although I still struggle with this one....I am learning though!) And mainly two years in I am becoming less and less selfish in my relationship with Wil. I find myself asking WWWD ( what would Wil do?) or thinking if a decision I am about to make or something I am about to say would make Wil unhappy with me. It's about putting aside what I want to do and doing what Wil wants me to do (once again still a struggle at times but I am definitely getting this one finally).

I find that TTWD is not so much about the discipline as it is about the communication that leads up to a discipline. It's more about talking and knowing what each other is feeling. It's about knowing there is a problem, dealing with it, then moving on. And it is definitely about the time after a punishment when all is forgiven and you are held in the arms of the man who loves you enough to correct you. A DD relationship is also about trust. You obviously need to trust the person that you give this much control over you to but there is a different side of trust in TTWD also. It is the trust that eventually comes from living this lifestyle for a while. It is the trust that your HOH can handle this and you all on his own and that like it or not he is going to do things his way. It may not be the way you want it but it is in that trust that you let go and let him lead. At least for me this trust was a long time coming. It took nearly two years but we are there and it's a great feeling and a great place to be.

Growing in a DD relationship is also realizing that, like in all relationships, the honeymoon phase does end. Not like in a vanilla marriage where everything just kind of fizzles out; but in a more subtle way. The passion that is found in a DD relationship seems to remain fresh and on the surface. For me however, the want and need for discipline that was there at the beginning has relaxed itself into a more even playing field. One where the demands on Wil as an HOH have lessened and I am not expecting perfection. I know he is my HOH and always will be. No longer is there doubt or testing. Why test, it gets you spanked and oh yeah, the most important thing I have learned through TTWD is that spankings hurt!!! I know they are suppose to hurt, I hear that every time I complain about it.

So here we are two years in, still growing, still struggling at times, and still learning more about ourselves then I think either of us thought possible. But the greatest thing about TTWD is that it gave us back something in our relationship that was gone for a long time. It gave us back, US and that is a precious thing to find.

Lions and Tigers and Pigs OH MY!!!!!!

2010-11-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Life is crazy!!! For those of you who know me you know that I am animal crazy. Sometimes being animal crazy gets you rescuing the craziest things. Wil was fine this spring when I brought home five three week old kittens that had been dumped in a pillowcase at a local park. He was fine when I rescued a ferret even though they are illegal in California. Actually that ferret became his best friend and favorite pet ever. We lost our little guy, "Bubba" earlier this year. We sure miss him.....we don't miss the smell.

And as you guessed he didn't even care when I rescued a mama potbellied pig and four piglets. I was a PBP (Pot Bellied Pig) virgin. I knew nothing about PBP's except that I was not going to allow them to be sold as meat!!!! Now jump ahead four weeks and my little piggies are weaned and have moved inside. Yes, now along with Jedi, my great dane, I have four little piggies running around my house. Did I mention Jedi is obsessed with these piglets. He lays at their bedroom door and whines when he can't be in with them.

In two days it is Thanksgiving and I am going to have a house full of family, two grandchildren, one huge dog and four piglets underfoot. I think that I need my head examined!!!! Oh and to make matters worse Wil has been home sick since last Friday and with him being sick and me having a lot of flare ups with my health my house looks like a tornado has hit it! Calgon take me away!!!! Stress relief spanking needed here but no one healthy enough to do it! Oh did I mention I hate Thanksgiving???? I don't like turkey, I don't like football, I can't stand stuffing and you can keep all the pumpkin pies ever made! Do you catch a bit of stress in my post?

So that's how my week is going. This like everything else I will survive. After all come Friday it is officially Christmas season and I am a HUGE fan of Christmas!!!! It's even better now that we have grandkids but still it has always been my favorite time of year. So I will get through this. Make sure all are fed, the piglets are trained, that Jedi is spoiled and that Wil is on the mend. Then I will collapse on the couch, turn on the Christmas music and enjoy the happiest season of all!!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone...maybe next year I will rescue a turkey!!!!

Join me.....It is your destiny.

2010-11-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

Were those Wil's exact words last night as he snuggled me into his arms. Maybe it was more like, your destiny lies over my knee. All I know is that I have a date with destiny tonight.....well at least a date with Wil and it's not one of those dinner and a movie type dates. Nope, not this time. This time it's a "we have a score to settle" type of date.

As I rested my head against his chest last night after finally getting our granddaughters asleep I heard the words that I knew would eventually be said. "You lucked out tonight with the grandkids being here but tomorrow night you have a date over my knee with me, godzilla, the screamer, the loppy johnny, jose (our italian leather belt) and brady (our stiff braided leather belt). So did he have to name all the implements as well? He could have left it at we have a date but he wanted to emphasize that I had made my bed and tomorrow night I would be meeting him at the end of it for a little reminder of why I don't go running a muck.

It did feel good to run a muck though. It was the best medicine that I could have taken. Freedom. No worries, no rules, no having to get things done, just good ol' Janet time. I'd say it was well worth it but hmm, I haven't gotten to the consequences yet so I am yet to decide if it was or not.

UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

2010-11-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

That's how I feel at this exact moment. Like a train careening out of control. No direction, no way to stop it, the forces of nature pulling it in a million dangerous directions. Today I am UNSTOPPABLE.

I know, you haven't gotten your post about what happened when I was told to "BE GOOD." Let's just say its in the works. It's long, it's about a bunch of screw ups that I made and it's not good, but then again for some reason neither am I. I am completely out of control, stressed to the point of not fitting anymore stress and like the train in the picture above, today, I am unstoppable. I think I need to be. I need to get it out of my system. To run, be free, do what I want to do. The walls are closing in on me and I need to escape from them.

My happy pills (antidepressants) aren't working. The stress from family, holidays, pets, finances, and life is building up to an explosive level and I need to get away. Not far away. Just away for a few hours. Have some Janet time. Forget the world for just a few more hours and then I think I can return to normal.

There will be a price to pay for doing this and believe me I know that. I have a chore list with things that need to be done on it. I have the rules spelled out in front of me. I know what is expected of me, yet in no way, shape or form can I submit to any of it today. The stress has won. If I give in now, do what I need to do, escape for just a little while and deal with the consequences then it will be over. If I don't I think I may explode! I honestly feel, right now, that if I just get it out of my system and then am dealt with I can get myself back on the right track a lot more quickly. So that's what I am going to do today. Runaway, not far, not long, just long enough to find a sense of peace and then I can come back and be the wife, mother, grandmother, pet owner and whatever else I need to be in a much better way. Do you ever feel like this????? I hope I'm not alone.

Be Good..................

2010-11-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

This morning's e-mail from Wil went like this:
Good Morning!!!!!!

Today is a test to see if you can control yourself and not use the card, for anything other than what is needed for Dinner.

No using it for Lunch or anything else. Eat at home, not junk food!!!

So Be Good!!!!!!!!

It instantly reminded me of the last scene from ET when he tells Elliott, "Be Good."

In my mind I could hear Wil saying all the things that he wrote and at the end when he got to "Be Good" suddenly it was ET's voice saying it. Maybe this happened because with the way Wil has been stepping up recently in consistency in TTWD I think perhaps he has been taken over by an alien....well probably not but something about the "Be Good" just brought up a blast from my past and ET is now stuck in my mind for the day. Wow I haven't seen that movie in like twenty years!

So the problem now is can I "Be Good"?

I woke up with the happy thought that YAY! I have my debit card and can go get some lunch and just kind of play around today. Maybe do a little Christmas shopping and just enjoy the day. Why does he have to make it some stupid test???? I don't want to "Be Good"!!!! I want to do what I want to do! This sucks! Did I really ask for this???? Here I am once again stuck with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder and I am stuck in the middle. I know which one I should listen to but the one who I want to listen to is screaming a lot louder.

I just called Wil to see if we could come up with some sort of compromise and he wasn't in his office. Why do I feel like a little kid right now? Why can't I just be mature enough to do what I am told....Oh yeah, that would be 43 years of always being able to do what I want to do haunting me. So I am not sure where this dilemma will lead to. Probably with me over Wil's knee tonight. Wish me luck....only time will tell.

The Dream

2010-11-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes our minds give us what reality may not be able to at the moment. Last night was a prime example of living vicariously through my dreams. I was lucky enough (if you can call a punishment lucky) to be taken in hand by Wil last night. When I get grumpy I cuss......A LOT. Wil had warned me several times to knock it off or there would be a price to pay when I was feeling better. So last night, I was still feeling pretty crappy and for some reason.....Oh I remember another voting commercial came on, I was sick to death of seeing them and I told Wil to "Mute the Bitch!". Okay so he agreed with me about the commercial but not the wording I used to describe how tired I was of having to listen to her. So he told me, "You're lucky that you are still not feeling well because if you were you'd find yourself over my knee!" I got a lump in the pit of my stomach from the warning but a warm fuzzy feeling because Wil was reminding me that he cares enough about me to keep me in check even when I don't feel well. Thank you babe, it really meant a lot to me.

So jump forward a few hours. The World Series has ended....YEAH SF GIANTS!!!!!!
Boo, I can't go to the celebration parade on Wednesday that ends right at Wil's work because I have a stupid doctor's appointment!!!! Man I would have loved to be on the roof and watch the celebration! How cool would that have been. Hopefully I can convince Wil to run up and get some pictures for me. PLEASE????

Anyway enough ranting back to the post. So the game is over, the celebrations have been watched and I am feeling pretty good. I'm not standing well yet, still get dizzy, but I am feeling strong and fairly normal. Well, being the loving husband that he is, Wil asks me. "How are you feeling?" Um, stupid me still being caught up in the World Series celebration says, "Pretty Good!" How dumb was that? So Wil looks at me, gets that evil look that says, "You're in for it." and tells me to head to the bedroom. "What? Did I say I was feeling good, uh really. I don't feel that great!!!" Guess that didn't work because all I heard was, "NOW!"

Okay, so I really was feeling good enough for a "discussion" about my cussing but a girl has to try right? I did as I was told and followed Wil to our bedroom. "I told you I wasn't going to back down about your cussing....Get over here."
Sigh. Guess he called me on this one. So I removed my clothes and laid over his lap. Can I say that it felt wonderful to be there. Well at least until he began the punishment. The warm up told me I was not going to enjoy this at all. He was serious, his tone was serious and each swat told me that this was serious. "I didn't marry a sailor." Wil lectured, "I married a woman and I expect you to talk like one!" Wil went straight from the hand warm up to Godzilla, the dreaded wooden spoon. I hate that spoon! And worse yet he kept striking with it in the same place over and over.....OW!!! (I know it's suppose to hurt!)

The punishment continued and my bottom grew more and more tender. He finished off with ten strikes from the dreaded new olive wood cutting board. That was all it took, my mouth will behave for quite some time. I stood up and apologized and we laid down in our bed for the evening. How wonderful to fall asleep in the arms of the man who loves you enough to take you in hand and then hold you with such strength and passion after wards. So like always after a spanking I fell asleep feeling safe, loved and cared for and that's when the night got really good!

It was one of those dreams where you aren't sure if it's really happening or not. It seemed so real that I was sure it wasn't a dream. So here's how it went.
When the dream starts Wil and I were sitting in our living room and he is offering to go get coffee for us. We love our AM/PM's coffee, it's great tasting, has a lot of different flavors to choose from, they have decaf and it's actually really inexpensive. During the winter we usually go there 2-3 times a week for coffee. The cashier their knows us really well and always makes comments about how did we enjoy our coffee last night, or where have we been it's been a few days, etc.. So in my dream Wil wants to go and get us some coffee. I didn't want him to. I had been there the day before to buy a coke and cheese itz and I had lied to Wil about going there when he asked if I had eaten at home or spent any money. (Okay quit groaning at me, it was a dream!!! I hadn't really lied.)

So Wil asks me, "Do you want me to get you a coffee I am going to go get one?" I find myself starting to panic. If he goes and gets a coffee and our normal cashier is there she may say something about me being there the day before.

"I really don't feel like coffee tonight babe, you don't have to go if you don't want to." I answer trying to get him to change his mind.

"No I'm going to go so do you want one or not?"

"Yeah, pick me up a small one." I answer dreading what may happen.

The next scene in my dream Wil is walking up to pay for the coffee and our cashier is there. "Well hello stranger." she says to Wil. "Where have you been all week. I've only seen your wife. Should you pick her up some cheese itz?" she asks Wil, "Hers are probably gone by now."

"Janet's been in this week?" Wil asks the cashier.

"Yeah, she was here yesterday for her coke and cheese itz. She's such a crack up, she always says how happy she is now that she has gotten her coke for the day." (can you say busted?)

"Are you sure it was yesterday?" Wil asks the cashier.

"Yeah, yesterday was the first day I worked this week. I was surprised to see her here without you."

In my dream I see the "look" on Wil's face the one that says I am totally in trouble. In the next scene I see a very angry Wil driving home. He pulls into the driveway and pretty much slams on the brakes when he parks the car. I know from how he pulled in that I am in big trouble.

"GET IN THE BEDROOM!" Was all I heard as Wil came through the front door. Funny there was no Jedi to put out, no daughter to worry about, just a very angry HOH to contend with. I didn't make a sound. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was beyond mad and I wasn't going to argue. I headed for the bedroom followed by Wil. I could feel the apprehension in the pit of my stomach as I headed towards our room.

"Go sit in the corner and don't move! I will be back to deal with you when I have calmed down!" Wil said slamming our bedroom door shut. I moved to the corner and sat down. I was completely intimidated by Wil's mood. I had only seen him that angry once before and I knew what was coming.

It seemed like hours before I heard Wil coming down the hall toward our bedroom. The door opened and the first thing he said to me was, "I am VERY disappointed in you!" My heart sunk. Nothing hurts worse then hearing those words.

"Why didn't you tell me you bought a coke and crackers yesterday?"

"I didn't want to disappoint you. I knew you'd be mad that I didn't call and ask permission and I've been trying so hard to follow the rules that I didn't want you to know I screwed up. I'm sorry." I explained.

"Oh you are going to be sorry!" Wil shot back at me. "You know how I feel about being lied to. That is something we do not do in this relationship! All you had to do was tell me yesterday when I asked you that you had bought a coke and some cheese itz and it would have been dealt with but now instead of just disobeying my wishes you have lied to me!"

I didn't know what to say. I looked down and refused to meet his eyes. I didn't want to see the disappointment in them.

"You know what to do." Wil said as he headed towards the implement box to choose what he would use for the punishment. I did what I was told. I removed my pants and panties and waited for Wil to sit down on the bed for a warm up over his knee. That didn't happen. Instead he simply laid me over the side of the bed, picked up Godzilla and set into a punishment rhythm that I had never felt before. Each strike seemed to land in the exact same spot and when I didn't think I could take anymore he lifted up each buttock to reveal the tender spot where they met my thighs and continued his assault. I couldn't take it anymore I had to get away from the assault on my thighs. I rolled into a ball and refused to move.

"Turn back over." Wil demanded. I simply remained in my ball. I had never felt a punishment so severe and I wasn't sure I could take it. "Lay flat now!" he demanded again. And again I refused to move. I heard Wil open the implement box and take out the restraints. "Fine if you don't want to cooperate then I will make you cooperate!" Wil said as he placed a restraint on each arm and on my ankles. I wanted to fight him. I wanted to not let him continue but I knew that if I did he would only grow more angry so I allowed the restraints to be put on and I laid back flat on the bed so that he could connect them to the chains that he keeps attached to the legs of the bed.

"I was hoping that after lying to me at least you would have laid still for your punishment but you wouldn't so now on top of the lying you will be punished for not remaining in position as well. Do you understand me?"

I struggled to get out a "Yes Sir." as Wil began in with Godzilla once again. He was relentless, each strike with the spoon left a searing burn on my thighs and there was nothing I could do to avoid the strikes. I had been fully restrained and there was no way to move to avoid any of what he was giving me. After what seemed forever with Godzilla Wil finally stopped. I was so glad that it was over. I didn't think that I could take much more. What I didn't realize was that he was simply changing implements. Next came the Loopy Johnny. Over and over again he struck the same burning area on my thighs with a stinging application of the Loopy. I wanted to jump up and run away, I wanted to beg him to stop but I couldn't move Wil had seen to that with the restraints he had place me in and I was too proud to beg. I didn't want him to know how badly this was hurting. I simply laid there biting my blanket and hoping that he would be done soon. Once he was done with the Loopy Johnny he took a break, probably more for him then for me and lectured some more.

"You really had to lie to me? It was a coke and some crackers, you couldn't have just told me the truth? How am I suppose to trust you now? If you will lie about something as trivial as junk food how can I believe you when I ask you about something important?"

The lecture was worse then any spanking could be. I had lied to him and it was about something stupid. He was right. I couldn't face the fact that I had lost his trust all over a bag of cheese itz and a diet coke. What had I been thinking. I was so disappointed in myself, probably more disappointed then Wil was with me. I didn't know what to say. There were no words I could come up with that would make it okay so I remained silent.

"You really don't have anything to say? Are you really not sorry you lied to me at all?" That was the last straw. I was hurting, I was upset and now I was being accused of not even caring when the whole thing was eating me up inside. I don't know where it came from but I just lost it and yelled back at Wil.

"What the hell is your problem? I said I was sorry! I am sorry but you won't take sorry for an answer. What do you want me to do beg for your forgiveness. Well I won't do it!!! You can't make me!!!!" Uh, what I didn't realize is in the position I was in he could very easily make me and that is exactly what he set out to do. Taking his paddle "The Screamer" Wil laid into my butt with a fury I had never felt. "Yes I can make you! You want me to make you beg? Is that what it's going to take to get through to you? Fine I will make you beg. By the time I am done here you will be doing more then begging for my forgiveness do you understand me?"

I couldn't talk. I had never seen this side of my husband. He was angry with me and letting me know it but he was still well in control of his emotions. Each strike with the screamer was applied enough to hurt more then I had ever felt it hurt but not to do any damage. Each lecture he gave me was designed to let me know how angry he was and how let down he felt by my actions. It didn't take long before I felt something I had never felt before. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I tried to fight it. I wouldn't cry. I didn't want him to know how badly emotionally and physically I was hurting. But I couldn't help it. The first sob came out and I couldn't stop. I found myself apologizing in between the tears. I found myself begging for him to forgive me for lying to him. I found myself pleading for him to stop the assault on my bottom. He stopped when I asked and laid the screamer down next to me. He reached out and rubbed my shoulder as my tears continued and with a warmth and love that I hadn't heard that entire evening he told me what I didn't want to hear.

"Okay," he said, "We are almost done here. But we will finish on my terms not yours. You will receive twenty with the rod then we will be done. I want you to count them out. Do you understand me?"

"Y-ye-s S-s-ir." I mumbled. I couldn't believe he was going to continue even after I had begged him to stop. Yet something about the warmth in his voice made me sure I could get through whatever he asked me to. I wanted to be brave for him and show him that I loved him enough to do what he wanted and make him proud of me again. Lost in my own thoughts I was surprised to feel the first strike with the rod. "Ow!" I whimpered.

"That's one." Wil reminded me.

"Sorry.....one." I counted out. Two through fifteen went okay. I counted and was able to deal with each strike. Fifteen through twenty were almost unbearable. I remember in my dream wondering if this were real. If it would ever end. I needed it to end yet I couldn't make it stop. I remember thinking to myself then that there was no way this was a dream because if it was I would be able to end it. And true to reality the twentieth strike with the rod was the most painful strike I had ever felt. It is Wil's trademark the last strike is always the most intense. I counted "Twenty." for the last time and the tears began again. I had never before cried during a spanking so this was new territory for me. I couldn't stop, even as I felt Wil remove the restraints and tell me to stand up and apologize I couldn't stop crying. Yet it felt good. It was cleansing to let it all out. And as I looked up into Wil's eyes and swore to him that I would never lie again the tears continued.

The last thing I remember in the dream is Wil taking me into his arms and holding me. He told me it may take some time but he would trust me again and he was glad this was all behind us now. He said it was alright to cry and I leaned into his chest and cried more. I remember feeling a little panicky that he wouldn't trust me again and I wanted it to be over. Luckily the next thing I remember is waking up and looking at Wil sound asleep beside me. Thank God it was a dream! I thought to myself....then I thought something else. Wow, what if that had been real? How would I really have reacted to a punishment like that? How would it have really felt and would I have finally broken through the barrier that keeps me from crying? How intense would my feelings towards Wil as an HOH be if he actually stood up to me that powerfully. Well like they say a girl can dream can't she????

Denied Again................And I feel like Pooh!

2010-11-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Life is full of denials. It's just a fact. Recently however my denials have been adding up rather quickly in all aspects of my life.

Before I get started on my rant let me say that I hope everyone had a great Halloween and I hope that you all have a wonderful upcoming Holiday season.

For a while there dealing with all the different denials in my life was somewhat manageable. Each denial brought me down a little but I bounced back. I think my bouncing days are over. I feel like Tigger who has lost the spring in his tail.

First there was the seven month wait to see a "specialist" in the field of cardiology in hopes that she would have more answers then my regular doctors and could help me find a way to feel better. NOT!!!! All she said was, "You seem to be trying all we know how to do, I don't have any other suggestions that can help you." REALLY, I waited seven months for that!!!!

Next was finding out that there is no way Wil and I are going to be able to take our yearly trip to Squaw Valley for a little alone time and some very much needed rest and recovery. This is a special time for Wil and I, it is the anniversary of our DD relationship, it is now what we consider our Anniversary. All around it is just a special time for the two of us to spend together and without it this year just won't be the same.

Oh and did I mention no Christmas this year???? Seems when I made up the yearly budget I used one paycheck twice. I don't know how I managed to screw that one up but the free paycheck that we were suppose to have in November doesn't exist and that is where our Christmas money was coming from so bye bye Christmas gifts. Actually this one I can overcome. Although I have always enjoyed the material side of Christmas as long as we can all be together as a family it will be okay.

Then to make matters worse I got my second decision from Social Security on my disability status. Once again it was a big fat DENIED!!!! Seems that Social Security thinks that I would have no problem working full time as an office manager even though I am only able to stand for 5 minutes at a time and sit for no more then 15 minutes before I have to lie down or I will faint. Hmmm, let me think about this one. Kind of hard to find a job that will let you work 8 hours in a row lying down. And no I can't even be a prostitute because I can't stand long enough on a street corner to find any customers without fainting. THANKS Social Security.......Hello Lawyers!

Now I could deal with all of this if I were able to have a bit of stress relief. Yet that doesn't seem to be happening at all!!! It's nobody's fault but it seems that every time Wil and I get two seconds alone I am under the weather! I feel like Eeyore always being followed around by a rain cloud ready to burst at any second. Sunday would have been the perfect alone day for Wil and I but lucky me, I had a severe hypoglycemic episode first thing in the morning and end up in bed the rest of the day. No stress relief happening here! So now I am denied spankings too????

So this seems to be the way of the world right now. I just feel stuck in a place that isn't willing to let me escape. No matter how hard I try, or Wil tries or anyone tries I can't get out. Just once I could use something to go my way. It's really not that much to ask for is it?

So what is one to do? Well if nothing else writing this blog has taught me Pooh-ology. First when life gets you down the best thing you can do is say......"Oh Bother!" and just move on.

The next thing I learned from studying Pooh is that there's nothing better then a hug from a true friend.

And that there's always happiness at the end of a rainbow. I just need to keep searching for the end.

Also all you really need in life are good friends.

And Finally:

When all else fails, love your Honey!!!

Testing.........................

2010-10-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading Tammy and Jake's Blog this morning and the topic was testing. Jake was wondering if Tammy was possibly testing him. That question, without being able to watch their interactions with one another, is a hard one to answer but the truth is she probably is. Consciously or subconsciously I don't know, but testing is something that we do and I wanted to talk about why.

For me testing is a way of convincing myself that Wil is committed to TTWD. It's not fair of me to do it, but I do. I feel as we become more and more comfortable in our roles that I test less and less, but I still test. I think the main reason I test is because our lifestyle doesn't lend itself to much consistency. It's no one's fault but there is so much going on in our lives that consistency pretty much isn't possible. In a DD relationship consistency is so important and when it's not possible it can lead to a lot of doubts and insecurities. What I wouldn't give to experience BabyMan and SugarAnne's DD relationship. There's no "We will deal with this after you put the dog out" or "We will take care of this when we are alone" (whenever that may happen to be in the next week or two). No, when there is a problem with them it is dealt with then and there. I guess I should start calling BabyMan "Mr. Consistency" but that is exactly what TTWD needs, consistency.

Unfortunately, the relationship that BabyMan and SugarAnne share probably isn't the norm in TTWD. A lot of us have to deal with inconsistencies because we have children still at home or because our spouses work away from home at times. There are daily stresses that can have a major effect on TTWD. Family problems, work problems, even financial problems plaque us all from time to time and when this happens DD can get put on the back burner. I find that it is times like these that I really test and question Wil's commitment to our relationship. It's probably because during these times I am usually stressed out and desperately in need of the stress relief that a spanking can provide. By pushing Wil's limits I can pretty much guarantee myself a spanking but like I said before that isn't fair to Wil. That is why I have found myself trying a lot harder not to test as I become more confident in our relationship. After all it is not his fault that we have a consistency issue, that's just the way life is right now.

I have found that testing can be a double edged sword. Yes, it gets me the attention that I am longing for at the time but it can also cause a real trust issue in our relationship. Trust is so important in TTWD and if Wil can't trust me not to test him then how can he trust me if I accidentally do something and it wasn't a test. How will he be able to tell if I am testing him again or if I actually made a mistake. I guess testing is a lot like the situation in "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". If I tell him something I did was actually a mistake how can he really believe me if I am constantly testing him?

So here I am two years into our DD relationship and yet at times I still find myself testing Wil's resolve. Is it fair? No. Should I do it? No. Am I trying to stop? YES! I need to trust him. I need to allow him to be the leader in our home during the good times and the bad times. I have made a commitment to TTWD and to Wil and I owe it to both of us to step back, let go and let Wil be my HOH in his own way and at his own pace.

Biting my tongue!

2010-10-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

He's home and in a lot of ways it is WONDERFUL!!! But I find myself constantly biting my tongue to keep from starting an argument or being disrespectful.

I've been free to be me for the last five weeks. I could say what I wanted and do what I wanted. Things were done my way at my pace and when I wanted them done. Not anymore!!!! When Wil said "The party's over." boy was he right.

It's not even that I want to do anything bad, it's just that I want to do things my way. It worked fine for the last five weeks and now I have this other person here telling me what to do, how to do it and when to do it and it is driving me crazy!!!!

I think a long talk is in our immediate future if we can find a few minutes alone. We need to reestablish the ground rules. He needs to know that I am trying to be respectful but that I am finding it very difficult to be told how we are doing things again. It's almost like starting all over. I never thought that I would enjoy being in charge again as much as I did. I see a very sore bottom in the very near future.

At least he is here with me. I need to remember how much I missed him, how lonely it was and how badly I wanted him home. Maybe then biting my tongue won't be so difficult.

It's Over!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Five weeks...............that's how long I am going to be without my HoH."

That's how my post started on September 16th. I thought those weeks would never end. I never dreamed of the things we would have to deal with separately while we were apart. I never want to be without him again! But you know what in less then five hours IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be safely in the arms of the man that I love and I will have him here again to hold me, love me, guide me and when needed correct me, and I can't wait!

Like they say though, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder!" How true is that. Maybe we all need a little time away from those that we take for granted at times just so we can realize how important it is to have them by our sides. I wonder how I would have reacted to this time away from him before TTWD. Would I have missed him? Would I have even cared? Or would I have simply taken the time away from him to relax and enjoy my time alone? What a difference a few years makes. What a difference TTWD makes. Oh it would have been much easier to be away from him had it been before we found each other again but I would rather miss him terribly then not miss him at all.

So five weeks have come and gone. Good things have happened and bad things have happened. We weathered the storms apart and survived. In a way it makes me realize that I am still the strong, independent person that I always have been but it feels awful good to have Wil here next to me fighting these fights and enjoying the good times together.

Love our Lurkers Day 5......................

2010-10-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the year again! Thanks to Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts today is the fifth annual Love Our Lurkers Day! It's a day all about you. A time for us here in the Spanking Bloggers Community to say THANK YOU to all of our readers, those we know and those we don't.

So if you're curious about TTWD or maybe deep inside you have a desire to incorporate DD into your life.

Well you've come to the right place, or in this case if you follow the links on my blog to other Domestic Discipline/Spanking Blogs, you've found a lot of right places. We are a great community of DD/Spanking bloggers who love to share This Thing We Do. Hopefully the topics we write about help those of you who are interested in a lifestyle such as this.

Today it is our turn to give back to all of you who read us. We may not know a lot of you. We may never even know that you are out there. Like you, a lot of us started out just the way you are starting now by lurking; i.e., reading, learning and exploring the Domestic Discipline lifestyle. First we read blogs to learn about TTWD, then when we felt comfortable enough we commented, next we talked to our spouses or significant other about our interests and if we were lucky enough we incorporated DD into our lives. For many of us it was a scary decision at first but one that changed our lives for the better. And now it's your turn. Ask what you want of us, learn from us, let us know you are out there and interested in TTWD. Don't be afraid to explore something that could be the greatest gift you could give yourself or your partner.

So join us all for Love our Lurkers Day. Let us know you are there, let us know that you are interested or just pop in anonymously and say "Hi!" We'd love to hear from you, I'd love to hear from you. One of the greatest gifts you can give a blogger is a comment that says, "Hey I like your blog, it really has caught my eye." an even better compliment is "I've really learned a lot from reading your blog." That's why we blog. That's why we open ourselves up to those of you out there who read us. Hopefully in some small way our blog can help you understand TTWD or even take that first step towards your own domestic discipline or spanking relationship. We do this for all of you, our Lurkers, and we hope that you continue to come back time and time again and maybe, just maybe, today will be the day that you feel comfortable enough to say "Hi!"

P.S. To all my regular followers who stuck by me during this incredibly difficult month. I just need to say "Thank You" to all of you for your thoughts, prayers and for not giving up on me. I think I'm ready to come back among the living and blog again!!!!

I've missed you,

Janet

Happy Anniversary?????? Uh....NO!!!!!!

2010-10-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a special day. Exactly one year ago today I started this blog. So today's post was going to be about all that I have learned about TTWD because of my blog. It was going to be fun, lighthearted and entertaining. All those things I wanted to share with all of you, my readers. But today didn't go exactly like I thought it was going to. And tonight instead of celebrating my blog I have way too much on my mind to write a lighthearted post so bear with me.

If you have followed my blog since the beginning you know a lot about me. If not here's a link to my first post so you can understand a little bit about my life. And if you've followed me for anytime you know that there have been some tough times in my life this year, you can read about those at another one of my blogs here. And unfortunately if you read my blog all I can offer you tonight is an explanation, not a celebration.

The phone call came at 9:30 this morning. Wil had just gotten up and instructed me that it was time for a little reminder of Who's/Who before he left for the week. I knew it was coming, I definitely needed it in more ways then one and I certainly deserved it because unlike the first week that he was gone when I had been so good and so proud of myself, I had totally blown last week. He was a bit disappointed in me as I was in myself, so this who's/who was going to help clear the air for both of us.

I answered the phone, it was our daughter. She was crying and apologizing. I didn't understand what was going on until I heard those words that I have dreaded hearing for the past six months. I'm at crisis and they put me on a hold, they're sending me to a psychiatric hospital, please come and get me. It had started again, without any warning signs the depression and suicidal thoughts had returned. I told Wil and we both ran out the door to help our daughter. She was alone, she was scared and she was once again crying out for help. The next few hours were like a whirlwind of activity. It was almost surreal to walk into a room and see a security guard posted next to your child to keep them from harming themselves. I tried to hug her but she turned away. She's a lot like me, if you hug her when she's upset it just makes her more upset and cry. So I backed off and sat down next to her. We asked her what had been going on recently, she's been so happy, or so we thought. She has a new boyfriend and they seem good together. I know her work sucks but right now in this economy it's the only job she can get. She said that there were a lot of things wrong but what really broke my heart was when she said she was falling in love and she didn't want to because it wasn't going to last. In people with Asperger's syndrome only 2% of all relationships last and so far her track record hadn't been that great. How sad to be afraid to be happy.

Wil and I were able to talk to the therapist who had declared her "unsafe" to herself and we all agreed, including my daughter, that it was best if she went into a treatment facility, although it wouldn't have mattered if we agreed or not they were going to admit her with or without our approval. The therapist said it would be 3-4 hours before they would transfer her and suggested that we get her something to eat and pack her a bag for her stay in the hospital. Since she had been declared a danger to herself our daughter had to stay at Kaiser but we were able to bring her some lunch and go home to pack her a bag. Plus Wil still needed to pack for the week ahead and he didn't know what foods I had planned on packing for him so I really had to run home and pack for two people.

After getting all of Wil's food items together I went into my daughter's apartment to pack for her. It was so hard to be down there. On her nightstand were the pills that she had contemplated taking her life with and next to them was an open pocket knife that she had cut herself with. The worst of the items I was yet to find. As I sat down on her couch to fold some of her clothes that I needed to pack I noticed a lid to a shoe box lying on the floor. There written on a shoe box lid were the hardest words I have ever read. "You made me do it!" was how it began, "I hate living here!" was how it ended. The rest that was written is between Wil, myself and our daughter but she was angry and blaming us this time and to know that we had let her down and hurt her, even if unintentionally was the hardest thing to face. Even as I lie here and type this "You made me do it!" is constantly ringing in my ears. It's going to be a long night with those words being played over and over in my mind.

BUT....I need to say this right now, to my daughter who will read this eventually when she comes home. YOU are our life!!! Nothing you can do or say would hurt us as badly as losing you. This is not your fault and you should never feel as if it is. We are here for you!!!! Now and always. Don't ever think you are too much for us to deal with or that you are not one of our main priorities. Sometimes we loose sight of how important you are to us but please never feel you are a burden to us, you aren't and never will be! We love you more then anything and would be lost without you in our lives just as I am lost tonight without you here with me.

That's where things stand as of right now. They took her away in an ambulance to a town over an hour and a half away. I can't be with her, I can't protect her, I know she is scared and I can't console her. As I watched the Ambulance pull away with her in it I wanted to stop them. It's my job to protect her not theirs. I am her mother, yet I know that this time even as hard as it is to not be there with her that hopefully this is for the best. Hopefully someone there will be able to help her, hopefully some good will come out of this ordeal.

So on a night that I should be posting about the wonders of TTWD and how happy I am to have shared so much with you all over the past year this is all I have. It's not what I ever thought that my anniversary post would be about. It's not lighthearted or funny but it is what it is. It's my life right now and as long as I get my baby girl home safe with me in the end that's all that matters anyway.

Janet

Sorry it's been a while.................

2010-09-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's a question I have been getting asked a lot recently. And the answer well there are many.....not sure how many I even want to get into but I will try to answer them. I guess the answer is I have been hiding, and for a lot of reasons. Maybe I need to continue to hide for a while longer because the more I try to blog the more I want to hide. There's so much I have to blog about but no desire to do so. I guess you would call this a MAJOR blogging rut. Does this happen???? I don't want to disappoint my followers or my lurkers. I want to have great subjects to talk about and interesting topics but I don't right now and what's worse is my 1 year blogging anniversary is coming up next week. What type of blogger am I if I don't have a great blog ready for my anniversary post.

Maybe its just all the demands on me right now. I seem to be living at doctors appointments. I am trying desperately to finish my book for a publisher that is interested in it. It's October tomorrow which means the holiday rush is right around the corner. Wil is gone five days a week and I just don't feel very domestically disciplined at the moment so what is there to write about???? My sister found out about TTWD and I am scared to death that she is going to tell my mother!!! In fact I had a nightmare last night about it. Personally I would love to scream to all of them, in fact to the whole world that, "I am a disciplined wife and it is the most incredible, wonderful and life altering experience I have ever had, not to mention that I am so in love with my husband now that I am completely lost when he is not around!" So why am I so worried???? Why can't people just accept my lifestyle choices as easily as I accept theirs? Yes I am rambling, sorry. Just so much on my mind recently.

Our second anniversary of TTWD is coming up in a few weeks and we get to run away to our favorite spot, Squaw Valley, where this all began. I think we both NEED the break from reality. I think what I really need is a day at the beach just sitting and contemplating life with the man I love. Maybe this weekend we will hop in the Miata and run away to the ocean. Hmmm, not a bad idea at all. Let's see what else. Oh I am keeping a totally cute chart like Kady suggested I do while Wil is gone. Each day I write down if I have been good or bad and I have stickers that I put on. I have smiley stickers that look kind of disappointed for the bad days and happy face stickers with positive quotes for the good days. This week except for the diet coke and eating out has been a pretty positive week. Thanks Kady for the idea, I am really enjoying it.

I guess that's all I have to share, or at least am willing to share for now. Hopefully whatever it is that is keeping me from posting my real thoughts and feelings will disappear once Wil is home and life is back to normal....whatever normal is. Until then bear with me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm just a little boring for the time being. Take care everyone and happy spanking!!!

Miss you like crazy!!!!

2010-09-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

He's the piece of the puzzle that completes me. He's my everything and then some and when he's gone I am lost. It's only been three days yet it feels like forever. There's no direction in my life right now. Just the day to day struggle to get by without the one I love to guide me and take care of me.

He doesn't have a lot of time to call, talk or email. I miss my morning emails so much. They have always been the bright spot to my mornings. I wake up and the first thing I do is grab my phone or computer and check my emails. They are almost always there, Good Morning! is how it always begins, even on busy days they would at least say, Busy morning, have to run, be good. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! But right now every day is a busy day and my mornings are his nights so the emails are on hold.

On a bright note my friend Kelly from Project Kelly wrote me an email today that made me laugh. It was just a, hope you are doing okay type of email but then at the end, just like my morning emails from Wil she added a list of things I need to do:

I figured you might be feeling a little adrift. I'm glad I could perk you up. I know it's not the same, but...

DRINK YOUR WATER TODAY!

WATCH WHAT KIND OF FOODS YOU ARE EATING!

KEEP THE DOG OFF THE SEATS OF THE MIATA!.

It was just like my emails from Wil!!! It really made me smile!!! Thank you friend!

GreenGirl from What I Wonder wrote a few posts back, "When it strikes me how much i need him, want him, miss him, crave him, how easily i become out of balance without him, i get very scared." This is such a true statement. There are times it scares me how close we have become since beginning TTWD. I wrote a post last October called "How would I get by without you?" And in it I wrote something very similar to what GreenGirl had written. In my post I put, "I don't think I could live without him, his love, his direction and all that we have together now." I also talked about TTWD kind of being a double edged sword at times due to the fact that I have become so dependent on Wil. Like GreenGirl said, it's not that we can't get by in our daily lives without our HOH's its just that without them around things just aren't the same.

I will survive these five weeks, we both will. I will cherish those few stolen moments that we will have together on the weekends and try to fill myself with enough of his love to get me through the next week apart. Yet like that puzzle that just can't be finished until the last piece is returned to where it belongs I will remain incomplete while we are apart.

Trying to win this Tug of War.................

2010-09-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Five weeks...............that's how long I am going to be without my HoH. He'll come home on the weekends but he'll probably sleep away most of those days the rest of the time he will be living at work. So I am about to be left to make my own decisions, follow my own rules, do what I want to do. And for those of you who know me you know there in lies the problem!!! Wil says that by the end of those five weeks that he basically knows that I am going to be totally out of control!!! He says it will take months to retrain me.....who says that I am trained now???? I on the other hand think he's wrong. I think I can do this!!! I can remain in control, follow the rules and make Wil proud of me. Quit laughing at me SugarAnne!!!! I can do this! And the rest of you out there I hear you snickering too!

So that's where the tug-of-war comes in. I hear her, my evil twin, she's back there making lots of noise. Oh the plans she has for those five weeks. But she's not the one I want to listen to. I want to challenge myself, I want to follow all the rules that have been set down by Wil even when he's not here. I want the submissive voice to win, darn it at least most of the time! Yet how do I expect to do that? Heck I seem to have trouble doing it when Wil is right there reminding me to behave!

I know its the same old tug-of-war that I go through daily. Probably that a lot of us trying to be submissive wives go through but this time it's totally on me. There won't be the old excuse, "You could have stopped me." Because he won't be able to. This one is up to me and me alone. I'm not even sure who I am trying to prove that I can do this to, Wil or myself. Remember the movie "Multiplicity" with Michael Keaton? He cloned himself so that he could do more then one thing at a time. Well maybe I can clone the HoH side of Wil and keep him here and send the worker clone to work. Problem solved right? Uh wrong. I don't think it worked very well in the movie. So where does this leave me? The person who still can't even win the Diet Coke battle? I guess it probably leaves me right where Wil says it does. In a lot of trouble at the end of five weeks or maybe not...........................................only time will tell. WISH ME LUCK!!!

At least I'm not alone!!

2010-09-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, there is a submission thief out in blogland and it seems as if most of us women have been victimized!
What is it with us. Is it something to do with fall??? The weather change??? The moon phase??? I don't know but it does feel good to know that my struggles with submission recently are not alone!
Read on:
From Annie at His Little Woman
http://hislittlewoman.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html#2230775748654583933
From Serenity at The Nature of Serenity
http://serenesubmission.blogspot.com/2010/09/hostile-takeover.html
From Kelly at Project Kelly
http://projectkelly-kellyred.blogspot.com/2010/09/like-arrow-through-my-heart.html?zx=4f7c6b2c61d53140

So for all the HoH's out there come on guys cut us a break!!! It's contagious I tell you!!!!

Humor and TTWD

2010-09-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Wil wanted me to write a post to clarify that a lot of what you read about our DD relationship is not as disrespectful as it can appear. Several times in my blog I write about how I respond to his morning emails with my own thoughts. See this post. Or I say or do something that seems disrespectful to people on the outside who don't understand mine and Wil's relationship. Knowing Wil and I as well as I do I assume that everyone out there in Blogland understands that I am joking around most of the time when I post about disrespectful ways that I talk or act towards Wil. Yet I have to be reminded sometimes that readers don't know that about Wil and I and they may think that I am a completely disrespectful wife and that Wil is not a good HOH because he lets me get away with these things. That is in no way, shape or form anywhere near the truth. If I ever answered an email the way you have seen me answer them or if I ever am acting disrespectful towards Wil and there isn't humor involved in my actions then I am in BIG Trouble!

Wil knows me, he knows when I am serious and when I am joking. If I ever sent him an email like the one in my last post and I was serious I probably wouldn't be sitting down comfortably for a very long time. Its a lot like we raised our kids. We raised them with a lot of humor. Several times in public our children have jokingly told us off or disagreed with us and people would question why we let our children behave in such a manner. My answer about my children is the same as Wil's answer about me. They were always allowed to joke with us. But if they ever disrespected us seriously there would be Hell to pay.

I was worried that no one else out in the Spanking community would understand this. That the way we "play" with one another and joke around was not a normal situation in a lot of DD homes. That too many doms were thinking, "How can he let her get away with that?" Or that too many subs were thinking, "I would never disrespect my dom like that." Then just as I prepared to write this blog I read SugarAnne's newest post. In her post she describes just the type of interaction that Wil and I have a lot of the time. When BabyMan told her to get the paddle she said, "No." When he told her to come to him,she ran. When he tried to catch her she locked herself in the bathroom. And the whole time I was reading this I was laughing at them, probably as hard as they were laughing at each other while this was happening. Now had SugarAnne ever done this seriously to BabyMan I am sure the results would be the same as if I were to do it to Wil. And as I read her blog I don't see BabyMan as a weak or walked on HOH. I see him as a loving husband who can still laugh at, play with and enjoy special and sometimes humorous times with his wife. It makes me feel good to know that our relationship is not the only one out there that can add both humor and seriousness to TTWD. The important thing is knowing when to be serious and when to play around.

That is actually something I am still really working hard on. Humor is such a huge part of my life. It makes me feel safe when I am vulnerable and it helps to take the stress out of an otherwise uncomfortable situation. And humor has been the reason that I have found myself over Wil's lap on several occasions. I still have a hard time turning off the humor when he wants me to be serious. However Wil is making sure that I know when and where my humor can and will be tolerated in our new dynamic. It is interesting to see that so much of what I can find humorous can actually irritate Wil. I know it is all part of the communication and learning process that is associated with living a DD lifestyle. But I just wanted everyone to know, at least for Wil's sake that a lot of what you may read and find completely disrespectful is probably just Janet being Janet and not meant to be taken in a disrespectful way.

What the H*LL was I thinking???

2010-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

Stupidity:

1. The quality or state of being stupid.

2. A stupid act, remark, ect.

Seems like my blogs have been introducing a lot of definitions recently. Yesterdays definition, Compliance, was a good definition. It showed growth and it showed that I was proud of who I was becoming. So who let the damn evil twin out of her cage today??

Today's definition is all about how I am feeling right now. Stupid, and stupid for more then one reason. First let me explain the completely and utterly WTF were you thinking thing that I did. Seems I bought Wil a new "toy", no not his car, this:

Yep, you're seeing it right it's a solid olive wood "cutting board" aka paddle from Italy. And it's a MONSTER!!! Almost 12" long, over 3/4 of an inch thick and it weighs, get this, one and a half pounds!!!
Yes I am Stupid! But I have always wanted a wooden paddle and after two years of begging Wil to make me one I stumbled across this and thought, "Wow, what a beautiful and strong piece of wood. Sure would make an awesome paddle." Did I mention the word STUPID????

Oh but in my kindness let me share their website with you

so in case you are feeling a bit STUPID yourself:

Just click on the link below

and you will be directed to their website.

It's in Italian but just click around and you will find so many wonders.

http://www.artelegnospello.com/index.html

"So many paddles so little time"

So this leads me to the other stupid thing I have managed to do. I have been feeling a bit "feisty" and not very submissive the past few days. Yesterday's post was true I have come a LONG way in my submission and how I think but there are just those days, or in my case, weeks, as this has been a pretty unsubmissive week on my part. I don't know why it happens but SugarAnne did give me a wonderful excuse as to why.....Thank you SugarAnne, glad we girls can stick together. (Oh sorry Babyman did I say that?) She said that it's Wil's new car. That when I drive it the Testosterone gets pumping and I become less submissive and more wanting to be in control.......hmm, do women even have testosterone????

Well in my defense I told Wil what SugarAnne had said. His reply was, "Well I guess you won't be driving my car will you?"

Once again another "What were you thinking Facepalm!!!!"

Okay back to the story:

This morning I am feeling especially unsubmissive and very rebellious. Why does this always happen in the mornings??? When Wil's morning email arrived being the loving and submissive wife that I am today I sent it back with replies.....Yes you have seen this before and you will probably see it again but not the day after I had just given him the Italian Weapon of Ass Destruction!!

So here once again is my version of his email:

(The original is in black, my responses are in red)

Good Morning!!! Uhh, Yeah.

Today you will follow the rules!!!! Why???? I learned that one from our Granddaughter!!!!

No excuses!!!!!!! I love excuses!!!

Its not my fault if you break the rules!!!! Yes it is................LOL

So even if its inconvenient you still need to follow them!!!! Oh it is soooo inconvenient.

Zero Tolerance!!!!!!!!! What exactly do you mean by Zero????

Chores: CHORES SUCK

Fast track Fast track to what???? Well probably a spanking!

call larry (stompy) Why do I want to call him Stompy that's the name of his 4Runner

clean bathroom!!!!!! Can't it clean itself????

DRINK WATER (2 bottle min. ) You want me to drink 2 bottles of water every minute???? Uh we don't have enough.

EAT RIGHT!!!!! If I eat left can I eat out???

TAKE PILLS!!!!! Take them where?

CF DIET COKE ONLY!!!!!!! Does CF stand for Can Fulls??? As in drink can fulls of diet coke?

Love You Babe!!!!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

wil

I love you too butt I am afraid my evil twin has escaped!!!! Not good given the new Italian attitude adjuster.

Would somebody please tell me who this person who has invaded my body is and how to get rid of her?? I really don't want this week to turn into an every nighter as far as punishments go and I seem to be headed in that direction. I think what we need is an SA (spankers anonymous) group so that we can go online and chat, email or even call each other before we do something stupid to get ourselves in trouble. I know I could use it!

Disclosure:

I am in NO way making fun of AA (alcoholics anonymous)

I believe they are an incredible group that has helped

thousands with their alcohol problem.

The above logo is just for fun.

So that's where I stand....or sit since I am typing......right now. What will the rest of this day bring? I honestly don't know. Luckily a lot of times just blogging about my mood improves it and I can go on with a fairly normal day. Only time will tell.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!

Compliance

2010-09-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Com.pli.ance:
–noun

1. the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding.

2. a tendency to yield readily to others, esp. in a weak and subservient way.

3. conformity; accordance: in compliance with orders.

4. cooperation or obedience: Compliance with the law is expected of all.

I was reading fellow blogs today and something hit me. I really am getting this DD lifestyle down. Okay maybe not in all area but you know what I think I am going to pat myself on the back and say "Hey self, you are really growing and changing in a lot of positive ways." And being able to do that feels pretty darn good.

I don't agree with all of the definitions above. I like number one and I like parts of number two, however the word "weak" I don't feel belongs in a definition of TTWD. I don't feel weak. I feel empowered. I feel stronger then ever before. Stronger in my love, stronger in my relationship and stronger in my ability to become a submissive (not weak) person. I also will only yield to my husband. He is the only person in my life that is worthy of my submissiveness.

Definitions three and four are fine with me as well. I like the word obedience. Before TTWD I would fight tooth and nail to not be obedient but you know what being obedient is a good feeling. It makes me happy, it makes Wil happy and in the long run it makes our marriage happy. I find that as I become a more obedient wife that I demand more of myself and when I mess up I also am harder on myself. Yesterday was a prime example of a giant mess up. I got busy, I played on the computer too long, I got called away to help with our granddaughters before I had done any of my chores or taken any of my pills or had eaten right.

Wil has always emphasized to me the importance of doing the things that need to be done BEFORE playing. I am not so good at this. Seems like there's still the part of me that wants to play first and work later. Well that works most of the time but sometimes something comes up, like when the most precious little 2 year old granddaughter in the entire world is begging grandma to stay and not go home, and when those things come up if I had listened to Wil things would have been fine. But I didn't. I did what I wanted. I slept in, chatted with a friend who was having a bad day, forgot to eat and take my pills and when I left to go to my son's house I hadn't drank any water and I forgot to take some with me. So where did that leave me, well feeling crappy for one and giving Wil a great topic for maintenance tonight for another. But that's not where this post is heading. This post is about the good things I have managed to accomplish since beginning TTWD.

I am now realizing when I mess up that I am starting to be as hard on myself as Wil is on me. Before I wouldn't have cared but now I realize that when I mess up it effects everyone. If I don't feel good things don't get done, I end up in bed and that takes away from time that Wil and I could be doing something enjoyable together. All because I didn't follow the rules that Wil has set down to keep me from doing stupid things. I am finding that he is right, okay he was always right but I wasn't one to admit that until now. And I am finding out other things about myself as well. I was reading Mick's post today over at Husbandly Touch. He was talking about being in control and being the leader. Two years ago when Wil and I started TTWD there were two people in control and two people trying to lead in our marriage and you know what, it didnt work. Now there is one person in control and one leader and I'm okay with that. Two years ago I wouldn't have been but there's a lot to be said for stepping back and letting someone else take the reins.

Here's part of the comment I left on Mick's blog:
"We are lucky, we found TTWD before that happened and now,
I am happy and a little surprised to say this but he can take the lead,
life is a much calmer place when he does."
I didn't even know that I felt that way it just came out in a response to a blog. Thinking about it though it is true. I am a much happier person with Wil taking the lead. It's just another step in growing in TTWD and another positive change that has occurred in me. I know that there is a saying among a lot of us who do TTWD and that is, "I don't know why it works but I am so glad it does." I think perhaps it is becoming clearer and clearer to me why this works. It works because of the positive changes that occur as we continue our journey through TTWD. It works because we let go. It works because we are no longer stagnant in our existence together instead we are constantly growing and changing together. It works because we work at it and it works for so many other reasons yet to be discovered. But it is those discoveries that I look forward to the most.

Falling off the face of the Earth

2010-08-31T12:11:00.000-07:00

Wow.......what a crazy few weeks. Sorry I haven't been around and thank you to everyone who inquired as to my whereabouts. It is nice to know I have friends out here in blog land that care about me. But to all of you....I AM FINE!!!!! So let me explain my absence. I call it a mid-life crisis, no not mine, Wil's.

Two weeks ago Sunday Wil and I went for a drive. We were looking for cars, no not for us, for our son and his wife. We drove over to the local parking lot in town where everyone parks their personal cars that they are trying to sell. We saw a couple that may work for our son and then Wil saw something. It was a first generation Mazda Miata. It was in pretty good shape but had high mileage and wasn't perfect and besides, as I reminded Wil we weren't looking for a car. We had cars, heck we had too many cars but just like Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows, Wil had a new mania........Miata Mania.

(Yes this is pretty much what Wil looked like at the time! LOL)

Well that was the beginning of a wild ride that has been the last two weeks of our life. If you're expecting a DD story you probably should stop reading now.....although I may need to throw in the past two nights where Janet has managed to earn herself two punishment spankings!!!!

We came home from looking for cars for our son and I knew what was happening. I'd seen it before, several times, both in Wil and in myself. The car bug had bit him and it had bit him hard! But we had promised each other that those days were behind us. We weren't going down the road of multiple car ownership and constantly buying and selling cars. We kind of did that a lot in our earlier years, we had grown up......or so I thought. As soon as we got home Wil grabbed his laptop and started doing research on Miata's. He had always liked them but hadn't done a lot of reading up on them in years. That was it, life, DD and existence as we knew it ceased to exist. Our lives had become an endless Miata search.

It took some convincing on my part. I think he said something like, "You really don't want to drive a minivan the rest of your life." and I was hooked as well. We searched Craigslist for a car that would fit our needs and found the perfect one. It had extremely low miles, was in excellent condition, had all the extras that we could have dared asked for and wasn't too far away from our home town. I emailed the owner and asked if it was still available, he said yes and we talked. He said we really sounded like the type of people he'd like to see his car go to but there were a few obstacles in our way. Mainly the two cars that we would have to sell, we knew that there was no way that this Miata would still be available by the time we sold both our cars. I thanked the owner for his information and he wished us luck selling our vehicles.

At ten o'clock Sunday night we listed the mini-van and Wil's older 4x4 on Craigslist. We priced them reasonably and waited for phone calls. The calls came immediately and by 4pm on Monday both cars were gone. HUH???? How did that happen? We emailed the owner of the Miata and asked if the car were still available and waited for his reply. The reply didn't come til the next day and to say Wil was a nervous wreck the entire night would be an understatement. He stayed up half the night waiting for the email reply.

Finally on Tuesday morning we got a call from the owner and we set up a time to see the car. Wil took the day off and we drove up to the Sierra foothills to test drive it. Turns out it was the hottest day of the year, 112 degrees, not a nice temperature to test drive a convertible. Like we suspected the car was perfect and we brought him home to join our family. Mr. Toad's wild ride was just begining!!! By the time we got him home the first night we were both exhausted. So we covered the Miata up and went to bed for the night. The next day Wil had to go to work which left me quality time alone with the new car. I hadn't driven the car yet. I was a little apprehensive. It was, after all, Wil's baby,not mine. I have had my share of the fancy sportscars recently and this time it was Wil's turn. That said though, I was not going to let an opportunity like this pass me by.

I got in the car and it felt good. I started the car and my blood began pumping through my veins again. A feeling that I haven't had in several years. I put the clutch in, backed out of the driveway shifted once and I was hooked! I felt alive again! I hadn't felt that satisfaction in years. I was grinning from ear to ear. I was young again, the feelings of years gone by when all I had to do was get into my convertible and drive my troubles away was back. Mr. Toad was gone.......Mrs. Toad had taken over!!!!

I called Wil at work. I told him we had a big problem. He instantly knew what it was. "You drove the Miata didn't you?" he asked, "You want it now."

"YEP!!!!" I answered, "I feel alive, it's awesome! You aren't getting it back! After all I sold my car so we could buy it, it should be mine!!!"

"Nope." was all he said. I knew that would be his answer but you can't blame a girl for trying now can you??

So that's where we've been. Every night last week we spent detailing the car. This weekend we took it for a drive through the Napa Valley wine country. Beautiful drive with awesome fall weather. Sunday Wil took it on the roads he use to race his Porsche on and got a feel for what the car will do. What an amazing handling little car. I haven't seen Wil this alive in a long time. It's like seeing the young man I fell in love with back right before my eyes. It does my heart good to see him smile like that.

Okay I know, this is a DD blog. Well I'm getting there too. I just wanted to explain why we had fallen off the face of the earth first.

Sunday night I got a pretty good reminder that Wil is still the boss. I had been gettting a little jealous of all the attention the car was getting and the lack of attention that I was getting. I got mouthy quite a bit throughout the day and was reminded several times to watch the way I spoke to him. Of course I didn't think he'd follow through because he was too busy with his car. Well I guess I got that one wrong, Sunday evening I was taken to the bedroom and given quite an attitude adjustment that definitely leaned toward a pretty tough punishment.

Monday wasn't any better. Wil had said Sunday after my spanking that he thought it was going to take a few more "sessions" to get me back to a submissive state of mind. Unfortunately he was right. Last night we went across the street to our neighbors house, she and I get carried away when we are together. We both love to joke around, I tend to get a little show-offy aroung her and when we started in on Wil being the target of our jokes I knew that I had crossed the line. I quickly found myself at home and found out that crossing the line ends up in lying across his lap. He was mad, I definitely felt that and the lecture was pretty intense. I felt bad for how I had acted. Luckily with TTWD it was dealt with quickly and was put behind us so that we could get onto better things......like Wil's new car.

Maintenence is Stupid......and other arguments.

2010-08-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday and our new maintenance/who's-who/reminder night. Our daughter starts college tonight. Dear Lord please let this work out, for her and for us. With her in college that gives us over 3 hours alone every Wednesday night. Not that we couldn't do it with her home but there's just something about being alone that makes it so much nicer. No sound barriers, no "Can't you be a little quieter?!" coming from the living room. Just the two of us and time to deal with any problems, to have time to talk and time to do other things for as long or as quickly as we want.

And so just like every maintenance night, tonight, after dinner, I will hear the TV turn off, the front door closed and locked and then I will be told. "Come on." At which point I will hem and haw and find reasons to stall. "Oh look, I forgot to put this away." or "Just a second, I need to feed Jedi." Then once again I will be told, "Come on, NOW. Those things can wait til we're done."

Darn the stalling didn't work. AGAIN!!! So we will enter our bedroom, sit on the bed to discuss our week, life,and things that need to be "Taken care of." then I will hear those dreaded words, "Get over here." This is when it all begins in earnest!

"MAINTENANCE IS STUPID!!!!" I will sulk and whine. It's the same argument every week.

"No it isn't, now come over here."

"This sucks!!! I haven't done anything!!!!!" Okay maybe I have, especially this week, there have been several warnings about my behavior but still nothing serious. My morning email will have reminded me, "Just because it's a maintenance day doesn't mean you can go out and break the rules."

Why not??? At least there would be a reason for a spanking. Its one of my more famous arguments. And yes, for quite a long time after we began TTWD it was exactly what I would do. "OH YEAH!!! Maintenance day! That means free for all day!!! Woo Hoo!!!" Those would be the words that the evil voice in my head would be screaming at me from the time I'd wake up. "You're going to get a spanking anyway, might as well earn it!"

Luckily I have come to a more mature point in our relationship. I don't go out and purposefully break the rules anymore like I use to on maintenance day. Oh there's still that evil voice speaking to me, even now, as I write this blog. But she's back there in her cage where she is suppose to be and my submissive voice is drowning her out again. THANK YOU submissive voice!!!

But she will be heard tonight. When once again Wil exerts his HOHness and reminds me that he is the boss. "Come over here." will once again be answered with the same age old argument. "MAINTENANCE is stupid!!!" At which point I will dutifully place myself over my HOH's lap and be reminded who really is in charge.

Last Great Act of Defiance

2010-08-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

So about yesterday.......Well where do I begin. If you read my blog you know that yesterday morning there wasn't a submissive bone in my body. Heck there wasn't a submissive anything within hundreds of miles. Where did it come from? I still can't say. I think some of it had to be hormonal because when I feel that out of control of my emotions it usually is. However looking back now and thinking about it I really think I know what was happening. It was my evil twin's, devil on my shoulder, brat's; whatever you want to call her, last great act of defiance. Her last gasping breath at being in control. If she was going out she was going to do it with a BANG!!!!

She tried everything she could to be heard but something was drowning her out. For the first time since beginning TTWD there was a louder and more powerful voice in my head. My good side was in the forefront not the back. That little angel that has tried for so long to be heard and not ignored was making her very loud presence known. Finally she had become the dominant voice in my head. Where had she come from? Why had it taken her so long? And couldn't she had duct taped my evil sides mouth shut months, no make that years ago?

Whats funny is that yesterday right after finishing my post the voice in my head that was, is usually screaming, "Come on lets to have some fun!! It's Burger King time, it's coke time!" wasn't there. All I heard was a new voice, one that said, "Okay, you've had your vent, you said what was on your mind, now get up and do what your HoH wants you to do. It's not that difficult and if you just get moving you'd be able to accomplish a lot of what you need to do as well as what Wil wants you to do. Imagine how proud he'd be of you." OMG who was this person in my head and where was my evil voice? I think I may have heard her way off in the back ground, kind of where my good voice use to live but I am not sure I could make out what she was saying.

"Lets go, we don't have all day!" She kept hounding me. So what did I do? Well normally I would have gotten up, played on the computer, thought long and hard about whether the consequences of sneaking off to Burger King to get breakfast would be worth it and basically do whatever I wanted to do. However yesterday was different. After posting my blog I really felt a calmness wash over me. The evil voice in my head had taken her last dying breath and I was looking forward to listening to this new more powerful voice. So I closed my computer, ironed Wil's shirt, wrote his sentences and cleaned the bathroom. And you know what, it really felt good. All the time I was doing it that new voice was cheering loud and clear, "YOU GO GIRL!!". Heck, I even did a few extra chores not on my list and still had time to chat a little online and go do some of the shopping and errands that I needed to do.

When Wil got home he was happy and very relieved to see that the angry and defiant person that was his wife yesterday morning had been replaced by a calmer and happier Janet. I even asked him if I was in trouble for the post that I had written. His answer was, "You were venting, I'm not going to punish you for venting. Now had I come home and nothing had been done that would be a different story." I explained to him the change of voices in my head and that the new dominant voice that had taken over was the submissive one. Once again he was pleased to hear that.

It is a great feeling to have that new voice. She wants to please Wil, she wants to be the submissive wife that he wants, she wants to please him and put his wants and needs first. And the more Wil seems to be stepping up and making his dominance felt the louder and louder that new voice seems to be getting. Will my evil voice remain quiet? Will she never rear her ugly head again? Oh I doubt that, but I think that with a little work on my part that new voice in my head will be around for a long time. And that feels really good!

Blame it on Hormones?????

2010-08-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

This my friends is exactly how I am feeling right now!!! Angry, pissed off, viscous, rebellious and pretty much completely selfish.

This is how I should be feeling.

What is it with women??? Why do we have to be ruled by so many emotions?? Is there really two sides to us? The Angel side and the Devil side? The Brat and the Good girl? Why do we switch from one emotion to the next so quickly?

Last night I got a pretty major punishment. It was what I needed, it was what He needed. It cleared the air, brought us back together, and gave us that closeness that had been lacking for a few days. It was one of those times that you can't explain why TTWD works so incredibly but you are just glad it does. My submissive side was the only thing I felt. When I couldn't sleep last night I actually asked permission to get out of bed and go write. Now for anyone who knows me this is WAY out of the norm for me. I don't play the submissive part very well, so for me to have done this was a HUGE step towards my goal of submission.

Enter this morning. I wake up to see Wil off to work, pack his lunch, get everything ready and wait for him to come out of the bedroom. I am already feeling stressed about today. He wants 100 more sentences, I don't want to do them. He wants me to be good and follow the rules. I just want to do what I want to do. I thought about begging him to let me off on the sentences. That would help my already foul mood. Maybe I should have but I didn't. I didn't want to ruin what we had built up so strongly the night before.

I couldn't get back to sleep after he left because I have all the things I need to do running through my head. By 8am when my morning email arrives I am a basket case. I hope against hope that Wil says in the email that last night really did put all this behind us and that I don't need to spend 3 f-ing hours writing sentences again today. But it doesn't, it had a new sentence to write, much shorter then yesterday's but a good 2 hours worth of writing again. There are also a couple of chores he wants done and the usual, NO COKE, EAT AT HOME, DRINK WATER, TAKE PILLS! If this email were a piece of paper it would have been torn into a thousand pieces and thrown somewhere very hard. Maybe that would have alleviated some of my anger but its not paper its on my computer and there is no way that I am going to throw my beloved computer anywhere!!!

I want to scream NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

Why is it so important that a shirt you hardly ever wear needs to be ironed today!

The bathroom looks okay why can't it go a few more days????

I want a coke! I want to eat out! I'm sick to death of all this healthy food. My body is rebelling against good food. It needs carbs, it needs grease and most of all it needs CAFFEINE!!!

His two measly things on the chore list seem like he has asked me to clean a 15 story hotel all on my own. Doesn't he realize I have more important things to do??? I told him I needed to go buy food, I have to pick up the prescriptions, there are bills that have to be paid, I need to plan another meal that I am unfamiliar with cooking. Jedi is out of food so I have to go to Walmart and pick that up, we are out of toothpaste so I need to buy some. I need to go to my daughters work and straighten out her medical coverage because with her disabilities she can't do it. There are checks that need to get in the bank. I didn't get to vacuum yesterday so that still needs to be done along with the dishes in the sink that need to be washed. I want to work on my book so it can get published, I want to chat with friends online, I want, I want, I want!!!!

But it's not suppose to be about what I want. It's suppose to be about what Wil wants. I really asked for this??? What the hell was I thinking?? Are these feelings just me fighting against Wil's authority or is it hormones? I really want to blame it on hormones.

This post is probably going to get me in BIG trouble!

I can hear him now,"You could have just called and explained the situation to me."

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!! I am angry at you for putting all this on me. I am angry at not feeling good ever and not having the stamina to do the things that need to be done. I am angry at being stuck at home alone every day of my life with no escape. Hell I am just angry at the world. My bottom is killing me from last night. This post is probably just going to add to that so why am I writing it???? I don't know I just needed to vent. I needed people to see that I am a spoiled brat sometimes, heck probably more often then not. I just needed to try and figure out where this is coming from. But I can't so for now I will blame it on hormones, but what about next time?

There's no such thing as Little White Lies

2010-08-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yes I blew it. BIG TIME. At least for Wil and I it is big time. We have always lived a life of truthfulness. Lying has never been a part of our relationship. Yet since beginning TTWD I have managed to not be truthful with him on two separate occasions now. And to make matters worse it all revolves around fast food. OMG who would think that after 27 years of marriage that I would manage to blow our trust for one another over fast food!

I didn't do it to purposefully get away with something. I just had forgotten to call and ask permission to eat out. I didn't want to disappoint him so I made up a story. And just like Wil has always told me, those little white lies can turn into huge cover ups if you tell them. And then they aren't just little white lies but something that can drive a wedge into a relationship.

I had told Wil one thing about eating out and told my daughter another thing. When I realized that at anytime she could come in and bring it up I started to panic. Now not only had I told him a lie but I could easily be caught in it. Wil has ALWAYS told me, "there are always ways that I can find out if you are dishonest with me." and I had just realized that he was right. I knew what I had done was stupid and I did not want Wil to find out that I had lied from any other source then me. So laying in his arms last night, with the realization that I had to tell him, I became very still and quiet.

"What's wrong?" Wil asked, "You are awful quiet all of the sudden."

"Nothing." okay if I look at it now that was also a lie.

"You need to tell me what's wrong, I know something is." Wil pushed harder.

"I did something stupid and I'm not ready to tell you." I hid under the blankets.

"Janet, you need to tell me what you did and you need to tell me now!" he firmly told me as my stomach began twisting itself into knots.

So I told him. The whole story, why I did it, how I realized I could easily get caught and that I wanted to be the one to tell him. I didn't want him to find out from our daughter, it needed to come from me. He was quiet, too quiet for my liking and his breathing had gotten heavy. Realize that earlier in the evening we had done a maintenance session that hadn't gone too well. I had gotten very disrespectful during it and it had turned into a pretty severe punishment. So for the sake of my butt any more spanking was pretty much out of the question at that point in time.

"You need to go feed the dog, lock the front door and come back in here when you are done." His tone was ominous, I knew I had blown it.

"Yes sir." I replied with my head lowered as I got up to do what he had instructed.

When I got back to the room he had the rod out, the restraints out and the attitude adjuster out. I felt the tears come to my eyes as I laid my head against his chest. He didn't move. I reached for his hand, he didn't reach back. "On the bed." was all he said.

I thought the next step would be him putting on the restraints but he didn't. He took the attitude adjuster and inserted it deeper and harder then he ever had. I let out a shriek but that didn't deter him. He was on a mission. A mission to let me feel how deeply I had hurt him. And the lecture I received during the punishment was exactly that, how much I had let him down, how much it hurt to be lied to, how he didn't want TTWD to turn into an excuse for me to lie to him. It went on for quite some time but I didn't fight him like I sometimes do with the attitude adjuster. I had earned this and more and I would accept what ever he decided was necessary to clear the air.

When he was done he had me stand up and apologize. I did as I was told immediately. He then sent me to the corner to wait for him until he was done getting ready for work the next day. The time in the corner was agonizing, not because my bottom was sore from earlier in the night or because the attitude adjuster really leaves a residual pain behind, it was an emotional agony. I had let him down. He was angry. I was angry at myself. We hadn't finished this but for that evening there wasn't a lot more he could do.

When he returned to the room he gave me permission to come back to the bed. I did as I was told but curled up in a ball on my side of the bed and wouldn't go near him. It's not that I was angry with him or didn't want to be with him, I just felt as if I didn't deserve to be with him at that point.

"I would have left me in the corner the whole night." I told him.

"I couldn't, I have to consider your health first." he reminded me, "This isn't over there's a lot more in your future."

I knew it wasn't over, I didn't want it to be, there still needed to be a lot more punishment before I felt that I deserved to be with him again.

This morning when my email came it was a lecture and a promise of things to come: (His email is in black, my responses that I sent back to him are in red.)

Good Morning!!! Well not so good of a morning emotions wise, but good morning to you also.

Well last night was not how I saw it going. Me either, I am very sorry for that.

I still am a little hurt by your story telling yesterday. I don't want TTWD to make you lie to me. It won't I promise.

This should be about honesty and communication, not deception and mistrust. I know, sometimes I just make really bad choices. It won't happen again, nothing is worth going backwards in how far we have come.

So you have some work ahead of you, to prove or win back my complete trust. Yes, Sir.

I'm glad you came clean and I didn't hear it from someone else. I think you are honestly sorry for it but you have to be completely honest from now on, no matter how bad or not so bad it maybe. You still need to tell me and trust that I will be fair and firm in my attentions. I think you could tell last night how sorry I am. It wasn't that I thought you'd be fair or not fair, I just didn't want to disappoint you.

I Love you more than anything and That has not changed. I love you too that's why disappointing you is so hard.

So be Honest with ME and show ME the Respect I deserve. I will, I promise, with all my heart.

Sentences " I will never lie to you again, I will be honest, and tell the truth, no matter how big or small the infraction, because I love and Respect you."

You are to write this 100 times today and 100 times tomorrow. Yes sir.

After Dinner tonight you will sit in the corner for an hour, after which I will decide the next step. Yes sir.

The email continued with our usual chore list and the rules I am to follow, but I think you get the feeling behind what is going on in both of our heads at the moment. So that's where we stand right now. What happens tonight is, as he pointed out, his decision. However I will welcome anything he decides to do. It will finally rid me of the guilt I am feeling and hopefully allow him to get past his anger/disappointment so we can move on.

What really strikes me as I write this post is how incredible TTWD truly is. I asked him two years ago to hold me accountable for my actions. It's something no one has ever loved me enough in my life to do, until now. And reading his email and writing this post I realize that he is doing exactly what I have asked of him. And the only thing I can say is "THANK YOU BABE" you really have blessed me with the one part of my life that was missing for so long and I will always love you, more then you will ever know, for doing this for me.

The picture in our minds............

2010-08-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's been on my mind for quite a while. Maybe it's just me but do you find that you have a picture in your mind of what other bloggers look like? Yeah a few, very few, will actually post pictures of themselves so there's not that sense of mystery but for those of us who don't post pictures of ourselves do you find yourself imagining, maybe even just subconsciously, what these other bloggers really look like.

Some of the other bloggers make it easy to get a picture of them in your mind. Let's take Hermione for example. I know exactly what she looks like, she has saved us the trouble of wondering, it's posted right there on her blog.

Why she's Hermione of course. We don't need to drum up a picture of her. Okay now let's be real here, no she's probably not a teenager and more then likely Hermione isn't even her real name. But when given a visual idea our minds usually run with it. So if I try to picture Hermione this is exactly who I see.

So let's move on to blogger's that I really have crazy pictures in my mind about. Let's take for example BabyMan and SugarAnne. I have a very set picture in my mind of what they look like. BabyMan is tall, lean, probably a little stern looking most of the time. He's a man's man although his last post questioned that. But that's the image, at least for me that he projects. It's an easy picture in my mind.

He looks just like Denzel Washington.

Oh he has his "tender" times when perhaps he looks like this:

But he definitely has a Denzel aurora about him.

Then there's SugarAnne, heck that's easy. Obviously she's married to Denzel's twin so she herself is a beautiful woman.

I have always thought of a beautiful model such as Vanessa Williams when I think of her.

Or perhaps Tyra Banks.

So one night I asked Wil his images of BabyMan and SugarAnne and like all of the pictures in our minds of other people his were completely different then mine. When Wil reads BabyMan I think he pulls out the humor that is sometimes evident in BabyMan's posts so his response to how he thought BabyMan may look was "Bernie Mac"

Huh???? Bernie Mac? Are you serious? Okay I agree BabyMan has a wicked sense of humor but he is not Bernie Mac. He's way too dominant to be Bernie Mac. So I figured okay we will be closer on SugarAnne. He should see her like I do right. The beautiful model, tall and lean to accent her man. Well I guess we were a little closer on this one. But to my surprise he said "Michelle Obama"

See the look on Michelle's face in this picture, that kind of HUH??? Look. Well that's exactly how I looked when Wil said Michelle Obama. Don't get me wrong I think Michelle Obama is a beautiful woman. Sleek, sophisticated and well educated but she's no super model and to hear BabyMan speak of the woman that he loves, well she has to be one beautiful woman.

So then I got to thinking, how do fellow bloggers picture me. Actually I also wonder how they picture Wil but I can't come up with any thoughts for that one. He's just Wil.
I would assume that most have caught onto the fact that I am a redhead. It's one of my favorite excuses my "redheaded temper". So who do they envision me as?

Maybe Lucille Ball, she's got the humor and the spunk.

Okay I would have to admit that if they are picturing me as Lucy

then they probably picture me much more in this situation.

Yep that is definitely much more accurate.

Or are there other people who they may associate with me?

Perhaps Reba....I've always loved her and that would be a great compliment to me.

Lord knows I had the hair just like that in the 80's.

Here's one more thought on me:

Of course that would leave Wil something like this:

Uh, not exactly but I do like this one.

See how in love we are.
And I'm sorry but I can definitely see Fred as an HoH!!!

So there it is, my ramblings of yet another day. I hope it got you thinking a little. And I would love to hear how you picture some of your favorite bloggers (of course Wil and I being one of them). And if you are mentioned and it's not how you feel you should be represented just remember it's all in fun!!!

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses......

2010-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

I could probably write the book on reasons I did something I wasn't suppose to do. Wil calls it "Jan Jan logic" and he loves to hear all of them, the short ones, the long ones, they all make him laugh and the outcome is always the same. "That's nice, now get over here."

Why is it when we are trying our best to be honest and point out exactly why it is we did something they turn a deaf ear??? Don't they realize that our reasoning is 100% legit....at least to us. A comment left on one of my last posts by Naomi gave me the idea of writing an excuses post. Her's was more of an argument not an excuse she said she uses, "I am a grown woman!" I'm pretty sure most of us have tried that one as well.

So here's a little example of some of my excuses/arguments. This is from yesterdays email from Wil. I was in one of those Grinch like moods again, those seem to be happening more and more. Any way this one was all in fun but here's how I responded to his email and sent it back to him:

Good Morning!!! (Good morning to you)

OK! this time you better be good!!!!! (or you will be hurting!!!!) (UHHH I already am!!!)

You know the RULES, so follow them! ALL OF THEM!!!!!!! (Really all of them??? Can't I just pick and choose?)

Chores: (Chores suck!!)

DRINK WATER!!!!! (I LIKE COKE)

EAT RIGHT!!!!! (I LIKE COKE)
TAKE PILLS!!!!!! (Can I take them with Coke???)

Love You Babe!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

wil
(LOVE U MORE, JAN JAN)

So there you have it, just a slight example of some of my excuses. Like I said these are all in fun but there are more serious ones such as, "My evil twin made me do it, she just wouldn't shut up!", "But Jedi really wanted a cheesy burger, he was so bored and just wanted to get out of the house.", um the all famous, "I forgot" or "I ran out of time." and so many more that I could probably write two or three books on a submissive's excuses. So now it's your turn, leave me a comment with some of your classic excuses. Come on ladies we all know you have them! LOL.

Reconnection Time

2010-08-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. I always have. The way the two are so entangled within one another is such an awesome visual of the love between them. It reminds me of that special time after a spanking, especially a punishment spanking, when you can't get close enough to each other. When all is forgiven and it is time to reconnect with one another. It is a special time that you allow your love to intertwine once again. It reminds me of last night.

Okay, not all of last night, but the part that sticks out mainly in my mind.

He was angry. He had every right to be. When he walked in from work the fire in his eyes was definitely obvious. It's not something I've seen very often and hopefully it is not something I will see again any time soon. He didn't say much, we had other issues to deal with first. We had a talk with our daughter and worked things out as best as we could. I served dinner which everyone kind of just picked at then it was time for Wil to deal with me.

"Go to the bedroom, sit in your corner and wait for me." Wil said. I did what I was told.

When he came in the lecture began and it started exactly how I knew it was going to start. It was the one question I have feared the most when trying to deal with my addiction to diet coke.

"Do you even want to do DD anymore, because it sure doesn't seem like it."

I couldn't look at him. I knew that he was getting as frustrated with the diet coke issue as I was and I know my husband well enough to know that eventually he would be pushed too far. As I sat there trying to come up with an answer I began to get angry. He wasn't being fair! He is an incredible HoH and husband but he has one fault, he can't see the good that I have accomplished in TTWD. He only sees my failures and to threaten to quit DD because there is one major obstacle that I haven't been able to over come seemed completely unfair.

"I will do what ever you want." I told him, "But you have to realize that I have come a long way in this. Do you think before DD I would have written 120 sentences for you? Would I have made your lunch every night and tried to have dinner on the table for you when you get home? Would I take my pills regularly or drink water like I am suppose to? Would I have stopped cussing for the most part or gotten up with you every morning at 5am to pack your lunch up and kiss you goodbye? The answer is NO! I wouldn't have but you don't see that do you? All you see is the diet coke issue. I really am trying, it's just every time I start to get it right something comes up and you allow me to start drinking it. Then the addiction starts all over again and I am back to square one on fighting myself over drinking it."

I had said all that I could in my defense. Truth is there shouldn't be a defense, this should be way behind us by now, but it isn't and if he was willing to give up all that we had accomplished in our DD lifestyle in the past two years then that was his decision. An unfair decision? In my mind yes, and believe me when I was pleading my case it came out pretty disrespectful, but why couldn't he see how far I had come?

"First of all you don't need to get sassy with me!" Wil warned, "You are right though, you have come a long way and I am not good at giving you credit for it. It's just all I see right now is the fact that we were just here last night dealing with the same thing and that disappoints me a lot."

OH, the dreaded "D" word. I hate that word. Nothing gets me to cry faster then knowing I have disappointed Wil. But he used it and he was right, we had just been here less then 24 hours earlier for the same exact thing.

"You need to know this is going to be a PUNISHMENT. I'm not taking it easy on you like I did last night."

"I know." I said, "And I deserve one."

"Then come over here and lets do this. On the bed." There would be no warm up, there never is with punishments. Wil started in hard, continued hard and finished hard. He used almost every implement he owns, several times over. It hurt, I know it's suppose to hurt. But it REALLY hurt, yet each stroke brought us closer to reconnection time and that's what this post is about.

"Stand up and apologize to me." Those are words I love yet at the same time it is also a hard time for me. When Wil requests for me to stand up and apologize that means look him in the eyes and apologize. This is VERY difficult for me to do. I don't know if it is because I am embarrassed by my actions that led to the punishment, if its still a submission issue for me or even if its just one of those Asperger Syndrome traits that I carry that led to our daughter's full blown version of Aspergers. What ever it is it's just hard for me. Last night however not so much. I was more then happy to look Wil in the eyes when I apologized, I wanted him to see that I was truly sorry for my actions. So I did what he asked of me, I looked him in the eyes and said I was sorry. Then I fell into his arms and everything felt right once again.

What an incredible blessing reconnection time is. It is a gift that only those of us who do TTWD can genuinely experience. What a waste that so many couples out there never will feel the warmth, love and closeness of reconnection time or the forgiveness that goes along with it because they frown upon our lifestyle. Wow, if they only knew what they were missing.

Last night laying in Wil's arms and just experiencing that deep knowledge that I am his, I belong fully and completely to him, no one else, that he loves me enough to provide for me, care for me and when needed punish me makes me feel completely safe. It is a feeling I can't even describe and I think I'm pretty good at describing things. All I know is last night while I lay there in the safety and warmth of those arms, the same arms that just moments ago were correcting me for what I had done, I felt an indescribable love for this man who shares my life with me.

Sometimes I think possibly my actions yesterday were a subconscious act to bring us back to where we needed to be. Wil had not been the strong HoH that he was before my health got bad a few weeks ago. It was as if her were scared to discipline me in case it caused a relapse in my condition. And I, knowing how he was feeling, was insecure in his resolve to be my HoH. Perhaps I pushed a little because I knew that he needed that little push to be able give a real punishment and see that I would be fine and perhaps I pushed because I needed to know that my HoH was still there and I needed a little reminder of what our places are in TTWD. Maybe, just maybe it was what we both needed.

Oh, you mean those rules were meant for me?????

2010-08-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

OK!!! you are going to be good today!!!!
Eat at home, drink water and take your pills!!!!
I want 50 sentences that say, "I will not go out for food or drinks even if God gives me money."
That pretty much sums up my morning email. Straight to the point and easy to understand right???
UH, well yeah, but.......
Or should I say, butt, because that is what is on the line here.

See yesterday was a good day. I was finally feeling better, I had done all the items on my chore list, had eaten right, taken my pills, even drank more water then I was suppose to. Like I said it was a good day. I had no access to money so eating out and getting myself into trouble wasn't even a possibility. Plus Wil wanted to see if some of my health problems recently had been from my not eating properly so I was to eat only high protein items at home. Then it happened. I had just finished the last load of laundry and I got it out of the dryer to fold. There at the bottom of the dryer, like Manna from Heaven were four clean, crisp and freshly laundered one dollar bills. Yes I am guilty of laundering money.

It was like God was saying, "You've been so good today that I am giving you this as a reward. Go get yourself a nice lunch." Because that's how God works right???? LOL. Well if you had been in my laundry room you would have seen a joyous yet very Grinch like smirk come over my face.

Something like this:

I instantly called to my partner in crime, Jedi, my great dane and asked him if he wanted a "cheesy burger". Well his look became as joyous as mine, probably not as Grinch-like but he definitely was up to being an accomplice in my evil plan. So we load up in the minivan, yes I still drive a minivan. You see I am actually a sports car lover at heart, but alas, Great Danes don't fit in sports cars. And that is exactly what my license plate frame says. Okay, okay back to the story.

So Jedi and I head over to Burger King, he gets a "cheesy burger" and I get some chicken fries and oh yeah....a diet coke. We pull over to our favorite spot under a tree to eat our lunch and continue on with our, or my, fiendish plan and then it happens. A bright yellow FJ Cruiser just like Wil drives pulls into the parking lot. Can you say GUILT!!! Suddenly my fiendish plot didn't seem so fiendish anymore. Suddenly it just felt like what it was a betrayal of Wil's wishes and lack of respect towards my HoH. I gave up, I didn't want the chicken fries anymore so I gave 90% of them to Jedi who quite happily washed his "cheesy burger" down with five of my six chicken fries. Okay, the diet coke, not so much. It came home with me and yes I have to admit I drank the whole thing!

So last night before bed Wil is hugging me and telling me he is glad that I am beginning to feel better so that we can get our lives back to normal. I bury my head in his chest and say, "So does that mean that it is almost confession time for all the bad things I've done while I wasn't feeling good?"
Wil takes my chin in his hand and lifts my head up to look at him, "Do you have something you need to confess?"
"Uh, well, we can do the confessions some other time." I tell him.
"Jaanneett." That's his long drawn out pronunciation of my name that says "fess up now!"
Okay, so I had to tell him. I had opened my mouth, inserted my foot and there was no going back. Besides it was late, Wil had to get up early and I knew he'd put off any punishment til the next day. Right???
WRONG!

At this point I am lying on the bed wondering what he is deciding. The lights weren't being turned off, he wasn't getting into bed, not a good sign. I know he said something along the lines of "Why can't you just follow the rules" but I don't remember exactly what he said. All I know is he begins reaching down to under the bed where he keeps his new implement box that he has built for all our "toys". Well self preservation kicks in and I roll over to Wil's side of the bed. I look up at him with a very innocent look and giggle a little.
"MOVE". Wil orders me. You see his new implement box is too tall and if you lay on his side of the bed he can't get it out!

"I said move, NOW." I continue to lay on his side of the bed with that evil grinchish look on my face. The one that says, "Your the idiot who built the box too big, too bad for you!!!"

"Jaanneett." that's all he has to say, he's serious now and if I want to not be over his lap til sun up I best move.

So I roll over to my side of the bed and hide under my blanket. I wait to hear what implements he is pulling out but to my surprise I hear only one. THE BAD ONE!!! No belts, no paddles, no rods, just the attitude adjuster. You know if you follow my blog what the attitude adjuster is....it's a larger than life butt plug that hurts more then you can imagine.

"What? I think to myself, no spanking?" okay I have to be honest here, I think deep down I was looking forward to a spanking. Why is it HoH's know just what implements to use and when? It's not fair, I hadn't confessed to get the attitude adjuster. I had confessed because I honestly felt bad about what I did and yes, because I kind of needed the relief of a spanking.

"Over here now, feet on the floor."

"No!" luckily Wil is a patient man and knows that I am not seriously telling him no, that I am just stalling for time. So I whine and I hem and I haw and I wait until he has just about lost patience with my stalling and I do as I am told. Okay people I AM A BRAT!!!

So I guess you know the rest of the story.....or do you? Wil actually took it easy on me. No full insertion and not a lot of movement. He said since I confessed that he took it easy on me. And I'd have to say he really did and I am thankful to him for that. But unfortunately that is not where this story ends....

This morning I woke up with a positive attitude, feeling pretty good and ready to start a new day. Hence the reading of the email and the reason for this post. "No problems today, I will write Wil's sentences for him, I will eat at home because he was awesome last night and went shopping for everything I would need to eat right today, and because I owed him the respect and compliance that I hadn't shown him last night." It was going to be a piece of cake...in fact just to show him how much I love him I was going to surprise him by baking him one of his favorites a pineapple upside down cake. Then it happened....okay I hear the groans, just stop it and let me explain!

I had gone down to our daughters apartment to feed my turtle. He had been moved down there when she moved back up into the house earlier in the year when she was faced with a lot of emotional demons. We haven't had time to move him back up yet so I go down and check on him and feed him every few days. He's a pretty independent turtle but I still like to know he's okay, he's been with me for over 33 years and I don't want anything happening to him. So while down in her apartment I see a collection notice on her night stand. She has gotten better with a lot of what had happened earlier in the year but some things just aren't going back to normal. She has become addicted to shopping and has had to be bailed out once this year and it looks as if we are heading for another round of bail outs. Luckily when we still had access to her bank account I had taken $800 dollars and put it in our account for safe keeping in case she were to get herself into trouble again. Well it seems she has. I checked her account and in less then six weeks she has manged to spend almost all her savings and has nothing left in checking. So it begins again. And to make matters worse she has been turned over to collections for a medical bill that I knew nothing about and it appears as if she is simply ignoring it. We will know more after our "talk" tonight. Oh Lord, the joys of raising, or should I say living with a child with Asperger's syndrome. We have done our raising, now we just need to convince her that it is time to start acting like the adult she is!

Well while sitting on her bed looking at the collection notice I see my debit card laying under a pile of dirty clothes. I remember giving it to her last week to do some grocery shopping for me but I had thought she'd given it back to Wil for safe keeping. So completely stressed out I pick up my debit card and realize that I have my stress relief in my hand. I can escape the madness of my house at the moment and go relax in my car with my dog and just have a quiet lunch. I had even joked with Wil about it earlier. He didn't know at the time that I had my debit card. I told him when I called him to let him know that our daughter was having money issues again that Jedi wanted a "cheesy burger". His response was "Fine, you can take Jedi to get a "cheesy burger" but you are to take your cantaloupe and cottage cheese and eat that."

Now I ask you all, what type of stress relief is that??? Where's my diet coke? Where are my chicken fries? I want to get away from all the stress and I certainly don't want to do it by eating cantaloupe and drinking water while Jedi eats a "cheesy burger"!

So enter the little devil and angel on my shoulder moment.

"You know you need to get out and away from the stress being at home is causing!" My wonderful devil side says. "You are an adult, you can do what ever you want. It's your life!!!"

Then the good angel kicks in with her two cents worth. "You really aren't going to listen to him are you??? Do you know how much trouble you'd be in. And don't tell me you wouldn't tell Wil because you would. Then think how disappointed he will be in you. You are NEVER going to get this DD thing right if you don't stop listening to your evil voice!"

Well the angel yelled at me all the way out to the car, she finally shut up when I turned my music on so loud that I could no longer hear her. I think she was trying to mumble something as I pulled up to the drive thru and ordered a large diet coke, chicken fries and a "cheesy burger" but I had pretty much had the devil gag her so I couldn't tell what she was saying.

So here I sit. Do I feel guilty? YES! Should I have done it? NO.....will I ever get this respect and submission thing down except on good days? Sometime I wonder, but I will try. I really have come a long way in almost every other aspect of our DD lifestyle. But if I can't get past this one obstacle then what do I do? Well I guess I start by writing about 500 sentences that say, "I will not go out for food or drinks even if God gives me money or gives me my debit card." Then I will once again confess to Wil that I have blown it and we will deal with it in what ever manner he chooses. Then hopefully one day soon I will stuff the gag in the devil's mouth instead of the angel's mouth and my life will be much easier.

Hermione's Post Continued.......

2010-07-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

Okay usually I don't steal other blogger's thunder but hey a challenge is a challenge right????

So here's how the whole thing started. This morning Hermione posted a blog called

"Name That Tune" It was hilarious! It showed a picture of naked bottoms floating in a river.

Well the tune was "Moon River"

So like so many other bloggers I left a comment. Below you will find the comment and follow ups:

: Okay now you got me thinking. So I guess you will have to continue this one with a lot of "moon" songs.Here's a list:Blue Moon-The MavericksMoon at the Window -Joni MitchellMoonDance- Van MorrisonHarvest Moon-Neil YoungDark side of the Moon- Pink FloydShall I go on??? LOL.Great Post Hermione!!!Too FUNNY.
: Janet - that list is hilarious! I never thought of that. Why don't you post it?Hugs,Hermione
: Oh Lord Hermione and take away all the fun from you???? I may have to take you up on that challenge.

So Here Goes:

(Oh and if you click on the song title it will take you to that song)

Blue Moon - The Mavericks

Moon At The Window - Joni Mitchell

Moon Dance -Van Morrison

(I got two for this one...take your pick)

Moon Dance - VanMorrison

Harvest Moon - Neil Young

Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd

(You gotta love this one!!!!!)

Not to be outdone here's another Moon River:

Moon River - Andy Williams

And then there's this picture if you can come up with a "moon" song for it let me know.

I just thought it needed to be included.

Thanks Hermione for the challenge it gave me something to do

on what would have been a rather boring Friday afternoon!

You just gotta love us spankos!

2010-07-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever realized that we spankos are a different breed??? I know that kind of goes without saying but it occurred to me last night that even our conversations are a bit odd at times and definitely not a conversation you would hear in a vanilla household.

Take BabyMan and SugarAnne for instance they wake up, "bask in the glow of each other's love" and then move onto a conversation regarding HOH's being spanked just to see what it feels like. Hmm, not sure but I don't think this is a normal conversation in a vanilla household.

So lets move forward to last night. Wil and I are lying in bed, okay unlike BabyMan and SugarAnne we probably weren't basking at this point but we were cuddling and try as I might I was trying to convince him that I needed a damn good spanking. Unfortunately Wil isn't convinced that my health is good enough yet so he's not giving in.....(that my friends is a whole other post).

So with nothing else to do I read him "Mr Rodger's Neighborhood" the short story I am writing on my Spanking Fiction Blog. He enjoyed it and since I am such an insecure writer I start talking about ways that I can improve it. I explain to him that I love writing it basically just flows out of me but the spanking scenes suck and I am not good at writing them (note to self go read some spanking scenes out on the web to get better at writing them). So trying to help Wil tries to give me ideas about how to improve the spanking scenes, that's when it all starts.

"Maybe you should explain the force used behind a spanking." He offers trying his best to help to help me come up with other things to describe during a spanking scene.

Well Janet being Janet and a huge Star Wars fan instantly turns to Wil and says, "What does the "Force" have to do with spanking? Uh, I'm not sure but I don't think my readers want this turned into a lesson on the Force." (okay yes, I am a smart ass)

Well Wil grabs this one and runs with it.

"Hey," Wil starts in, "You think that Darth Vader would make a good Dominant?" Then in his best Darth Vader voice he adds, "Janet, I am your Master."

At this point I am cracking up at my husband.

"I can see it now." I continue the conversation, "He accidentally uses his light saber as an implement and before he knows it his poor sub is lying on the floor in six or seven pieces."

"Oh!!" Wil says, "That's gonna leave a mark!!!" At this point Wil who is his own number one fan is laughing quite hard at himself.

He then adds, "He can spank you with his mind!"

So in my best Darth Vader voice I say,

"Don't make me have to think about spanking you!"

Well to say the conversation went downhill from there would be an understatement. Suddenly we are talking about all the great science fiction characters and some not so science fiction characters that we would consider HOH/Dom material. Wil of course puts on his best Klingon voice and says,

"Perhaps today is a good day for a spanking!"

He then continues on talking about how Klingon Bat'leths wouldn't make a good implement and that the perfect candiates for BDSM relationships are male and female Klingons.

Finally the conversation begins to wind down but to throw my final two cents in I bring up the last person that popped into my mind as an HOH.

"Hmm, I say I can picture Indiana Jones as an HOH. You gotta admire that whip!"

Getting Feisty.....it's a good thing!

2010-07-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Okay I just had to post this picture. It kind of fits my mood right now and beside like me she's a smart ass redhead. Feeling better can be a double edged sword. On one hand it means life will be getting back to normal....FINALLY! However as I start to feel better I get a bit feisty. Too many days of sitting on the couch or laying in bed being quiet and subdued is suddenly met with a very strong urge to just go crazy and grab life back by the horns. Its these days that Wil knows I am finally getting better. No longer do I not talk or participate in life. Suddenly I am on my way back to that obnoxious person he loves. Unfortunately that can get me in a lot of trouble quite quickly. But hey, in my defense I have been good for weeks right?

So this morning I opened my morning email and this was the opening line:

"Ok little miss Feisty, when you feel better you will have some paddle time coming among others things!!!! So watch yourself, I'm keeping track of you."

Hmm, in trouble already? And what does he mean by "other things"?

All I did was nicely (yeah right) suggest to him that if he wasn't going to get me my DAMN frozen yogurt the least he could do was have the decency of telling me!!!!!!! Okay the tone may have been a little harsh and adding the damn part could have been avoided but come on he really didn't have to lead me on thinking that he would go get me a yogurt and then not go.

So last night before falling asleep Wil tells me that if I had been feeling a little better then I was at the time that I would have wound up over his lap for being disrespectful. And you know how I know I am getting better??? Because for the first time in weeks I would have loved to end up there! Watch out world Janet's back!

NEW STORY!!!!

2010-07-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

Months ago I promised to write a story about life in a spanking neighborhood....well here's the first few chapters I hope you enjoy them!!!!
Click on the above link or head on over to my spanking fiction site. There's a lot more to come!

Comfortable

2010-07-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

There's a place we get eventually in TTWD. I think it is after the honeymoon period when everything settles down and you are comfortable in your roles. It's a great place to be. Don't get me wrong, the intense love is still there, the wanting and needing your partner more then you ever thought possible but the newness and unsureness of those beginning months has slowly dissipated and you find yourself more at ease with this lifestyle.

Wil and I are there now. I am relaxed and confident in our relationship. I know that even through the tough times if we need to set aside TTWD for a while due to family problems or more likely health problems that we will both be fine when we come out on the other end. It's where we are now. Although we both want to be active in our DD lifestyle sometimes life gets in the way. However unlike in the past there is no panic, no what ifs, just the comfort in knowing that when we are able to we will step right back into TTWD and be happy to be back.

I haven't been posting recently because we are at one of those stages now. My health doesn't allow for a lot of anything right now. It's hard to be good, bad or even indifferent when you spend every waking moment lying on a couch. It's even harder to post about a DD lifestyle when nothing is happening, so I haven't posted. I hate negative posts so I disappear for a while just like TTWD does when I am not feeling well. This morning however I realized that there is a positive side to this. It is that comfort zone that I am speaking of. I know when I am feeling better my HOH will be right there to take back over. Don't get me wrong, he really hasn't gone anywhere, it's just that sometimes we need to set aside the discipline part of DD until my health comes around. I know these times are hard on both of us. We miss being "Us", we miss the bonding, we miss those special moments alone together but we are both much more patient now and know that before long all will be back to normal.

It is in this knowledge that I find comfort. Where before there was uncertainty there is now confidence. Confidence to me equals comfort and comfort equals peace. Peace in knowing that no matter what happens to Wil and I or what struggles we may be faced with that in the end the love and commitment to each other and TTWD will always be present. And that is a great place to be.

Still here!!!

2010-07-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yes world we are still here!! I have been having some pretty tough days health wise so lots of time in bed, just not in the blogging mood when I don't feel good. Plus Saturday is my parents 50th anniversary and to say I have been busy preparing for that would be a HUGE understatement.

So I just wanted to say that like all those Who's down in Whoville ( Who I totally believe are all spankers! Don't know where that came from....hmm, guess whats on my mind.) I am still here so don't give up on me or boil my dust speck or whatever happens to absentee bloggers. Sorry about all the Who references but my granddaughters new favorite movie is Horton hears a Who and yes I think I have seen it forty or fifty times this week!!! LOL.

So I PROMISE!!!! New blogs next week when my health and my sanity has returned. Until then I hope you all have a great weekend and happy spanking!

Dominant in Training

2010-07-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

I think I concentrate so much on trying to become a submissive wife that I forget at times that Wil is also trying his best to find himself in his new role. Don't get me wrong, he has the HOH thing down, maybe a little too well. But now trying to find his way as a dom opens up a whole new set of challenges. Last night was a prime example of how things need to change. We had just finished dinner and after clearing his plate away and doing the kitchen I sat down to watch the rest of the Tour with him. Suddenly he gets up goes into the kitchen and pours himself some more Pepsi. When he sits back down I am shaking my head at him.

"What?" He asks me.

"Didn't we talk about the fact that I should be doing more for you? That you need to ask more of me and let me do stuff that you normally would do?" I replied.

"I'm just so use to doing stuff for myself." Wil answers.

"Well, that's where you need to change, I should be doing these things for you."

It's true for years he has been extremely self sufficient. It comes from all the years that I was either ill or working full time and didn't do things for him. In fact he did almost everything back then. It is a hard habit to break, yet one I think he is more then willing to give up. He just needs to stop and remember that he needs to ask these things of me now. I want to severe him, I want to feel his authority in our everyday lives not just when I have done something wrong. But I also need to remember that change doesn't come overnight and I need to be more attentive to his needs.

Last night I saw that his glass was getting empty and I was going to offer to refill it for him but I thought he'd ask. Maybe if I start taking the incentive to do these things for him without being asked it will become natural again to him to be taken care of. I guess this is where I struggle the most. I want Wil to be the one to initiate the changes in himself. I want to know that he is trying to step up in his role as a dom. Yet if it is not something that he is use to and he needs direction in doing so then why shouldn't I remind him or tell him of things that would make him more dominant. I just feel that it is crossing the line, topping from the bottom. I read all these blogs, I know the things that doms do, he doesn't have time during the day to study the best way to become a dom. I know where and how he needs to dominate me but sharing that with him seems wrong to me. Yet I know that even as he was discovering his role as HOH I had to do a lot of the research and explaining.

I guess part of me just wishes he would take the time to do some of this on his own. To figure out some of the ways he can become a dom. Just once to come up with some of his own ideas so that I don't feel like everything is from me. But then I have to step back and realize that I have all day to read, blog and research. It seems to be all I do, so is it wrong, in the beginning, to be the one with the ideas? If the end result is what we both want then who cares how we got there. But still, it would be nice if we could meet somewhere in the middle on this one. I guess we'll see.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Wife....

2010-07-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

This has been a emotion filled week. I had planned on really working hard on my submission to Wil and making him proud but it seems that plan sort of backfired on me.

After having my bracelet taken away on Monday I figured I better work a lot more on my submission if I ever had hopes of getting it back. So on Tuesday I did exactly as I was told. I even did extra chores just to show Wil that I can go above and beyond. I made him a great dinner and things I thought were going well.

After watching the Tour (Yes, I am a Tour De France widow every July) Wil asked me if I realized that I had been cussing a lot that evening. I said I didn't realize it. "Well you were," he responded "And you need a lesson in not cussing." I think my jaw hit the floor. I had tried so hard to be good and I didn't think I had even been cussing, especially not enough to earn a spanking. But that wasn't my decision so I followed Wil into the bedroom and was reminded why I am not to cuss.

I swore to myself that on Wednesday I would do better. Fat chance! Wil had left me a pretty hefty chore list plus directions to have 100 sentences about not cussing written by the time he got home. I began the sentences first thing in the morning. I like to get them out of the way, did I mention I hate sentences? About half way through the phone rang, I set the sentences down, answered the phone and once I was off the phone I decided to be good and finish my chores early, go grocery shopping and have a nice dinner waiting for Wil when he got home. There would be no spanking tonight if I could help it!!!

So fast forward a few hours, Wil comes home, I am in the kitchen finishing up dinner. I get my kiss and Wil asks, "Where are my sentences?"
"SHIT!" I reply "I started them but I got busy on other stuff and forgot to finish them."
I get the sentences and show them to Wil.
"You can finish them during the Tour." he tells me and goes to change out of his work clothes.
"Thank goodness." I think to myself "He's letting me off without a spanking."

So once again we fast forward to after dinner. Everything is done for the evening, dinners been made, the kitchen has been cleaned, all the chores are done and its time to just relax. My favorite time of the day. Wil turns on the Tour and we sit down to enjoy it together. (I may say I am a Tour de France widow, but truth is I love it too!) Wil picks up the paper and a pen and hands them to me, "You have sentences to finish."
"I will after the tour. I'm tired, I did a lot today and I just need to relax." I explain to him.
"What you need is to finish these sentences." Wil sternly tells me.
I push the paper back at him and once again tell him I will do it later, this time I say it with a bit of an attitude. I was tired, cranky and didn't want to do anything but enjoy the Tour.
"Do the sentences NOW!" Wil tells me.
"FINE!" I hiss back at him.

I take the paper and literally scribble out the last 50 sentences, they are barely legible as I throw the pad down on the coffee table and sulk. Wil finishes watching the Tour but I can tell by the silence that he is not happy with me. As the Tour ends Wil takes the sentences walks over to the garbage can and throws them away. As a side note, he usually keeps my sentences. Walking back into the living room Wil takes my wrist and tells me we have a date in the bedroom.

"No we don't." I argue pulling my wrist out of his grip.
"What did you just say?" Wil asks.
"I said NO we don't. I have been trying to be good all week. First you get all butt hurt because I cussed a little last night and now you are mad that I forgot to finish your sentences."
"I am not mad that you forgot to finish them. I am mad because of your attitude while finishing them and the fact that you defied me by writing them so I couldn't read them." Wil corrected me "Now get in the bedroom!"
"FINE!!!" I say getting off the couch and stomping towards our room.

In our room I walk over to my side of the bed. (I call this the safe side all the spanking happens on Wil's side of the bed.) I flop down on the bed and refuse to look at Wil.
Wil gets out his chosen implements and tells me to come over to him.
"NO!" I tell him "I am tired, I did a bunch of extra stuff for you today. I have tried all week to behave and all I seem to do is get in more trouble! I am tire of this!!!"
"Remember in today's post you put, "Careful what you wish for."? Well you are the one who asked for this and now you are going to pay for your attitude." Wil wasn't backing down.
"I am free, white and over twenty-one and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do." I am getting angrier by the minute and all reason has left me by now.
"No," Wil says, "I agree you are white and over twenty-one but you gave up "free" part when you asked for a DD relationship. Now do as you are told!"

I get off the bed and go to stand in front of him. I am angry, probably angrier then I have ever been before a punishment. I really don't know where the feelings were coming from (I will blame it on hormones) but I just had this driving desire at the time to prove to Wil that he has no power over me.
"Pants down and over my knees." he directs me.
I stand my ground, staring angrily at him.
"I said over my knees!"
I continue to stand in front of him defiantly.
"Fine then I will do it myself!" Wil says standing up and taking my pants down. "You want to act like this then you can have a punishment with no warm up!" And with that he pushed me down on the bed and started in right away with the braided belt.

Wow, what can I say, braided belts and cold bottoms don't mix. It really hurt, but he didn't stop there, well actually he did. For a few minutes he quit and went over to the implement cabinet, I thought he was getting Godzilla, wrong again! He got the rod. My most feared of implements. It thuds, burns, stings and frankly really, really hurts. I jumped around, tried to block a few times with my hands that was answered with my hand being held behind my back and much stronger strikes. Eventually my attitude was adjusted to where Wil wanted it. It took a lot, more then normal, even for me. I just couldn't get my emotions under control, they varied from anger towards Wil to anger towards myself for my behavior. I still don't know why my emotions were so out of wack that night but I learned that Wil definitely will not tolerate attitude in any form.

After we were done and had made up I told Wil that I had tried all week to behave and that i felt he had been being quite strict recently. My statement was answered by Wil stating, "I am fine tuning you this week."
Oh great, I am being "fine tuned". Once again I say, "Careful what you wish for!" So that's where we stand Wil is completely stepping up and because of it I am trying my best to be submissive, not to avoid spankings but to thank him for stepping up and showing me that he is in fact my HOH and we will be playing by his rules in the future.

One Hundred!!!! Un centinaio di!!! Ciento!! 100!

2010-07-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my 100th post...Time to Celebrate!!! Actually I thought I'd have written a lot more by now but hey, it is what it is. So in honor of my 100th post I just thought I would allow myself to ramble, post pix, and just put whatever I want on this posting so bear with me!!!

First there is this, saw it, laughed at it, wanted to share it, so here it is:

Next I want to throw out a HUGE THANK YOU to all my followers and lurkers both old and new, thank you for making me feel as if this blog is really worth it and may even help people at times.

(and it's pretty cool, it matches my 100 balloon)

Then there's this.....

the reason for this blog, the person I want to become:

Here's a few of my favorite pictures from my first 100 postings.

A few of my favorite quotes from my blog and other bloggers:

"Careful what you wish for."

This one is from me.

"I still don't know how all of this works. I just know it does - or has been for us."

From BabyMan - http://lovingsugaranne.blogspot.com

"I was very aware last night that while he gives me a spanking I give him myself to be spanked. It is indeed This Thing WE Do"

Sara - http://findingsara.wordpress.com

"There’s just no way around it. When I feel his “might”, I feel all “right”, and I want to feel “right”."

Elysia - http://blissfulelysia.wordpress.com

"I am learning that DD is not all about the spanking, but there are so many positive changes that come with it."

Katia - http://notmyoriginalvows.blogspot.com

"My real identity is who I am now... Kinder, gentler, and a little bit wiser."

SugarAnne - http://thesweetnessofsugar-sugaranne.blogspot.com

In Closing I would like to share a poem I wrote for Wil when we first began TTWD

Finding our way again…..

Many years ago we took a vow to live this life together..
We vowed to be the best that we could be,
And though our vows were said in love, life got in the way,
Finding you again was the one thing for which I’d always pray.

Those first few years in love we spent together,
So many years ago we fell apart,
Somehow I knew we‘d find our way back to each other‘s arms,
Or was that just a dream held in my heart.

Finding our way was all that I have hoped for,
Finding our way back to each others arms,
Somehow I knew our love would stand the test of time,
But finding our way to back to each other,
Was the one thing I thought we ‘d never find.

Our lives had reached the point that we couldn’t get much lower,
The stress of life had washed our love away,
There had to be a way back to each other,
Finding you again was the one thing for which I’d always pray.

And then one day I came to you and asked you for a favor,
To be the man I knew that you could be,
To love me like you use to and firmly lead the way,
Back into our love and to the way we are today.

Finding our way was all that I had hoped for,
Finding our way back to forgiving arms,
I knew some how our love would stand the test of time,
And finding our way back to each other,
Was the best thing that we would ever find.

This post is for you babe, without you there would have never been a reason to be Finding our Way.

In Sickness and In Health

2010-07-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy few weeks. My health has been more bad then good recently and that makes living a DD lifestyle difficult at best. Unfortunately it seems when I feel my worst, I also act my worst. I can make a lot of excuses as to why but they are just excuses. So last week when I was feeling horrible Wil took DD down a few notches and just let me try to recover. Wrong move.....as he found out last night. Seems while he was thinking I was too sick to do anything wrong or break any of the rules I was in my, I feel like crap and don't have to follow the rules, state of mind. Okay I know its wrong and completely unsubmissive but I seem to think that if I feel bad then the rules shouldn't apply. Wil seems to feel differently about this.

Last night was confession time. In my defense, I may be a brat but I do always fess up and face the consequences. Let me just say that last nights consequences are still quite fresh in my mind and on my bottom. As I lay here typing this I can definitely feel a strong reminder as to why I should follow the rules. And to make matters worse Wil took my bracelet away and that is a punishment reserved for when he is extremely disappointed in me or my actions.

Now to get to where this post is actually leading, alternative punishments. Being disabled and having a lot of bad days leads to difficulty in our domestic discipline relationship. It is hard to discipline, at least physically, someone who feels like crap. So we were wondering what type of alternative punishments you or your HOH may use. Yes, we have the sentence writing thing down, but there has to be more ideas out there then just sentence writing. So when you are misbehaving and your HOH can't pull a good old fashioned spanking out of his hat, what else can he do to let you know that your actions will not be tolerated? Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.

Domestic Discipline vs BDSM

2010-07-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

I was looking at different sights today on the internet and I found one that really kind of made me upset. I'm not sure if all will agree with me but for some reason it just really bothered me. I had typed Domestic Discipline into my search box and one of the first sights that popped up was an add for a woman who offered what she called "domestic discipline" as a service for clients. As I explored this sight it occurred to me that she was not offering domestic discipline but BDSM. I personally do not believe that one can offer domestic discipline for sale.

To me domestic discipline is something special between a couple who have a strong and meaningful relationship. I found one site that defined domestic discipline as this:

The name domestic discipline pretty much says it all. It is a disciplined lifestyle within the home with the husband as the Head of the Household and major decision maker. The wife submits to this leadership and surrenders to discipline when she falls short of the expectations he has set for her.

I know for some couples the roles may be reversed or they may or may not be married but it is still between two deeply committed people not just something that can be sold to a stranger.

So just to quell my curiosity I typed in BDSM to see if I could find a definition of it, this is the definition that I found:

BDSM is a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), dominance and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM).

This I believe, is something that one could offer as a service. But if this is what you are offering please don't call it domestic discipline. It is websites such as these that give TTWD a bad name.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against BDSM or any form of it. Wil and I have taken our sexual relationship into an exploratory D/s style but it is in no way related to our choice to live a DD lifestyle. They are completely separate. Yes, the open communication that we have learned since beginning TTWD is one reason we now feel comfortable talking about and adding different aspects to our sex life, but that is simply because our comfort level with each other now is so much deeper.

So I would like to hear what you think. Do you believe there is a big difference between DD and BDSM? What do you classify your relationship as if you do live a DD lifestyle but also experiment in BDSM or D/s? Does it make you angry that someone would actually consider "selling" DD as a service to others? Do you feel that DD is something special between a couple or should it be classified as a service to be sold? I just wanted to get others point of views on this subject. THANKS.

I'd Rather be Paddling!!!

2010-06-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

So vacation was great!!!! Time to reconnect, time to enjoy the beauty of our surroundings and oh yeah a little time to enjoy the beauty of TTWD!!!

I hope you enjoy the pictures.

One of the many incredible waterfalls feeding into the lake.

Wil promised to take me kayaking on one of the most beautiful lakes he had ever been to.

He didn't disappoint. I felt like I was in some remote part of Europe. I can't wait to go back!!!

If life could only be this peaceful all the time.

He's a lot closer to the overflow of the dam then he looks.

I wasn't that brave!

This is the lake I basically grew up on. It's only ten minutes

from my parents house, I can't believe I hadn't been there in

nearly 20 years. That won't happen again!!!

So as not to bore you with too many pictures I will end this photo tour with

Wil's new license plate frame. If only people knew what the double meaning was!!!

LOL

Still Finding Our Way.....My answer to Neo Dom Tom

2010-06-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Last week I asked my followers and lurkers if they had any questions about my DD relationship that I could answer for them. The first question, I believe, gave my readers a lot of insight into the fact that even though each DD relationship is different the rewards that we get from TTWD are very much the same.

Today I want to answer another question sent to me from Neo Dom Tom a fellow blogger who is also finding his way in a DD/Ds relationship.

"Did you find once you started to turn things in a DD direction that you naturally and quickly fell into it, or was it difficult for you to make the transition? Had you both agreed that this would be the path for you at some point? If so, when and how did that come about?"

This was the question posed to me, however I emailed Neo Dom Tom for clarification as to if he was talking about our relationship now or in the earlier years of our marriage, here's his reply.

"I was wondering more or less how the dynamic came about in its initial stages. Was there a conversation out of the blue, had you both had some discussions initially then they just got more and more serious, or was there some role playing that went on before there were any discussions, which eventually led to the more serious nature of the DD relationship. I guess what I am really trying inarticulately to ask is how was this thing born. I am asking because you state in your blog title that you added DD to an already existing relationship, as I am trying to do. So when you first added it, how exactly did that come about?"

Good question, now to try and answer it without turning the answer into yet another one of my novels. I have always had the desire to be disciplined. A lot of people who do TTWD will tell you they had the desire to be spanked. I would have to say that my desire was more for the structure of discipline in my life, not the spanking. I was not disciplined at all as a child, because of this I grew up headstrong and very independent. (well that and the fact that I am a red-headed Italian) I always hoped that one day someone would love me enough to take me in hand and deal me. To me that is a big part of loving someone, to care enough about them that you would help them become a better person. After all my parents hadn't cared enough about me to do it so I hoped one day someone would.

Shortly after Wil and I married I brought up the idea of discipline and spanking in our relationship. After weeks of trying to convince him to he tried it. It was a disaster, he just wasn't into it. I didn't get out of it what I thought I would so I buried my dreams deep inside and spent the next 25 years fantasizing about that man who would someday care enough about me to dominate me.

So here I can go into a long extended version of our lives or just sum it up this way. We had an incredible marriage for the first ten years, the next ten years we spent raising our children together and concentrating on them not us, and the next five we basically lived under the same roof but had completely separate lives and interests. You will hear me refer to those years as the lost years. We remained faithfully married and we still loved each other we just weren't "in love" anymore. Life had gotten in the way.

So jump ahead to a weekend in November of 2008. Wil and I had been going through a lot of family problems with our kids, there were also health and money issues we were dealing with. At our wits end we decided that we needed a break from all of it. We packed up and headed out for a few days of R&R at Squaw Valley a ski resort near our home. We had pretty much reached the low point in our marriage and something had to change. This was the weekend I asked Wil for a DD relationship.

I had read about Domestic Discipline and thought that maybe it could help us find our way back to one another, now all I needed to do was to ask Wil. That was the hard part! It was our last night in Squaw Valley and I knew that it was now or never so out of desperation in the early hours of the morning I finally got up the nerve to tell Wil what was on my mind. And I think like so many other men who's wives ask for a DD relationship he probably thought I had lost my mind. But then he did something that completely surprised me, he said he'd try. He said we would take it slow, do a lot of reading about it, a lot of talking about it and a lot of experimenting with it but that if it worked we would continue it. I think, like me, he knew our marriage was beginning to show signs of wear and he wanted to save it as badly as I did.

The next day when we got home I printed out the Loving Domestic Discipline E-book that a friend had sent me. Each night we would read one chapter and discuss it. Looking back now I have to laugh as to how we thought that book was the gospel on DD, only to find two years later that there is very little in the book that we now use in our DD relationship. But it was a starting point, a place to begin our discussions about DD and what we wanted out of it. I also joined a forum and Wil would read my posts on the forum. I really did the initial searching and then Wil and I would discuss it together in the evening.

Slowly as we read more and discussed more we began experimenting with discipline in our marriage. We really did no role playing, there had been a couple "playful" spankings just to get the feel of things but once we started with DD it was taken seriously and the spankings were real.

This was the "honeymoon" period as they call it. Wil suddenly had become everything I had ever wanted. He had agreed to discipline me to help me overcome things about myself that I didn't like but wasn't able to change on my own. He also included some items that he wanted changed as well. And as our DD relationship blossomed a funny thing happened, our love for one another blossomed again as well. We talked more, laughed more, found that we wanted to be with each other again. Our separate lives began disappearing and we began to concentrate on "us". Suddenly for the first time in nearly twenty years we realized that the most important thing in our lives were each other, nothing else was as important as "Us".

That was almost two years ago. And there have been a lot of trials and errors along the way. Wil struggled and still struggles with his dominant side. He is a very easy going type of person who can let a lot slide. He is just beginning to be comfortable with his inner Dom. I still struggle with my submissive side. Funny, when we first began TTWD I had a picture painted in my mind of how quickly and easily I would become submissive. I was sure that within weeks of beginning DD that I would be the perfect submissive. Yes Sir and No Sir would become second nature and I would do everything that Wil told me to do.........Uh, yeah right!!!! Maybe one day but I am still to this day not there yet.

Since beginning DD we have learned so much about each other that we never knew. We share everything, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. No matter what it is we face it together now not separately. We love each other more now then we ever dreamed possible and that of course has lead to other discoveries. Our life in the bedroom before DD was at best sporadic. Now it is a daily part of our lives. We experiment more then we ever did, we share our fantasies and act upon them now. We really should have done this 25 years ago when we were much younger!!! But I think sometimes that had we found this earlier that maybe it wouldn't have been as special as it is now. Maybe it took those years or hardship to really enjoy what we have together now.

So that's our journey in a nutshell. I could write so much more about what we have learned and where this has taken us but I know this journey is far from over. As Wil becomes more comfortable as a leader and I become more comfortable following his lead in all aspects of our lives I think we will continue to learn and grow. I think there is no point in a relationship such as this that you aren't learning and growing. As more and more things are tried we will find new ways to enhance an already wonderful thing. And if I have learned one thing from our DD relationship it is that communication is the key in all aspects of our lives. Without clear and constant communication from both partners this type of relationship would be virtually impossible. I can't stress enough how important it has been throughout this entire process.

I hope I haven't bored you. I probably didn't go deep enough into my answers, I hope I have. I do believe that BabyMan maybe someone who you could also ask this type of question to. He, like you, is the one who asked for a DD relationship and it may be completely different for couples in that situation then one where the woman asked the man. I wish you and your lizard the best of luck in finding your way into this new lifestyle and if you are lucky enough to find half of what we have found in our DD relationship then you will truly be a blessed man.

Questions......Answers.....Life......

2010-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

This post was going to cover a lot of ground. I wanted to answer some questions and comments from fellow bloggers. I wanted to talk about our vacation and the joy of paddling (see picture above). I wanted to catch everyone up on the wonders and drama that is my life. Then I began the first part of the post where I responded to SugarAnne and BabyMan for their ongoing comments and support of my blog. I kind of answered a question with a question to them (see this post) and I owed them the courtesy of a response to their response....does that make any sense???? As I got deeper and deeper into my responses I realized that this is a full post by itself. So tomorrow I promise to get to Neo Dom Tom's question and then the following post, which I believe will be my 100th post of this blog I will get to our vacation and life......
So here goes:

In response to my asking SugarAnne why she would want to find a way out of a punishment she responded with this:

Her response are in italics, my responses to her are in parentheses.

"Well when I asked you that question, I really wasn't looking for advice on lying. Lying only gets me in trouble."

(SugarAnne, in no way did I think you were looking for advice on lying. I am sorry if I gave you that impression, I never meant to imply that you would want to lie to BabyMan. And yes, I agree, lying only does get us in more trouble and can put a huge strain on the love and trust of a relationsip.)

"I think I was interested in finding out if you ever put any effort or energy into escaping punishment, whether through a lot of apologies, promises, crying, etc. What is it that can soften the heart of a man and make him change his mind?"

(Wow, this is a tough one. I don't think that I have even intentionally tried to get out of a punishment. I feel bad when I have done something wrong, or something stupid, that upsets Wil. I am glad to get to the punishment, get it over with and clear the slate so to speak. It is then we can forgive and move on and I love that feeling. But with that said, I will admit that I do, quite often, try to get out of maintenance. I don't like maintenance. I submit to it because it is something Wil requires of me and because it helps to keep his HOH mindset strong but it just seems so useless to me at times. I will have to write a post on my feelings towards this. Today though I want to stick to the question at hand. The ONLY thing I have found that will get me out of a maintenance session, and very rarely, is a little "sexual" persuasion, sexual bribery, or sexual trickery, whatever you want to call it. In other words try your best to come onto you man!! LOL. Usually it just gets me an few extra swats for trying to manipulate Wil but sometimes, it does work....wink, wink. So don't tell BabyMan you heard it from me but that seems to be what works around here and once again, only rarely.)

"As much as I cherish my spanko card, I still have a great deal of trouble accepting punishment with the grace and dignity worthy of someone who appreciates and desires this life. I think when you submit to punishment, there is something in you that is at peace, and accept it as a source of comfort... while I see it as something to be avoided if possible. I'm wondering if it's as easy for you as it looks from where I'm sitting."

(Okay, this one is a double edged question for me. I swear I really do have two personalities sometimes and the sweet angelic side of me does readily accept and appreciates spankings, punishments, etc. Pretty much for the reasons I listed above. It cleans the slate, we deal with whatever has come between us and move on. The healing and reconnection after wards is worth whatever pain I may have had to deal with to get us to this point. With that said however, there is the "evil twin" bratty side of me that hems and haws and takes her own sweet time, "assuming the position" when a spanking is inevitable. In my dreams I may be that sweet submissive who comes willingly to her HOH and lies there and takes what is coming but lets be real, it hurts and if I can put it off a few minutes I do. There has been more then one time when I have had my bottom smacked hard by Wil as a warning to get over his lap. So as an answer to your question I guess a little of both. I enjoy the release the punishment brings but like you, if there were another way to get the same results from TTWD other then a spanking I would welcome it!)

"Your question to me is interesting (Nice flip technique by the way). The fact that BabyMan asked me into this life is the factor causing the dynamic between us to be just a little different than those of you who asked your husbands. While we both really appreciate the benefits of ttwd, I think if there was some mechanism that would allow us to reap the same benefits as Domestic Discipline, we would grab a hold of it."

(I completely agree with this statement and I honestly believe a lot of us women out here are a little jealous of what you have. BabyMan came to you with this idea therefore he is the genuine "spanko" in your relationship. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I know he has said many times he doesn't enjoy having to discipline his wife. So by "spanko" I guess where BabyMan is concerned I mean dominant. BabyMan has that dominant gene and has acted upon it. He comes to this naturally where as a lot of the husbands who are asked to become an HOH stuggle with it throughout the relationship. I love Wil with all my heart but when it comes to consistency and control he can struggle a lot with it and it really does cause a lot of stress, where if he were a natural dominant that stress wouldn't be there. So I guess my answer to this is simple. None of our relationships are perfect, you want to readily submit to a spanking and be at peace with it, like you feel I do. I want an HOH that is more in control and acts upon his dominant feelings in the way BabyMan does. I guess what we do is take the good with the bad. Work on what we want changed in the relationship and what can't be changed accept. You may never enjoy a spanking like I do. Wil may never be the HOH/dom that BabyMan is but that is what life has given us. We will love our partners with their strengths and weaknesses just as they love ours and we need to be thankful for what they are able to provide to us and what we are able to provide to them. Does that help??? I hope so.)

Okay, now onto what BabyMan had to say:

"There is a part of both of us that are reluctant particpants in ttwd. I am not rooting for Sugar to mis-step so that I can punish her. And I truly believe she's doesn't mis-step to be punished. As a matter of fact, I'm pulling for her to succeed so I don't have to punish her. But even in our reluctance we enjoy the dynamics of Dd. The electricity within (individually) and between us - even in our reluctance - is quite powerful and enjoyable."

(BabyMan you are indeed a lucky man, or I think Wil would address you as such. You don't have to deal with the "testing" and the need to prove your dominance over SugarAnne like so many HOH's have to deal with in the beginning. Somehow I just don't see SugarAnne as purposefully getting herself into trouble like so many submissives do until they are sure of their HOH's resolve to willingly participate in TTWD. All of us who follow your blog know that your resolve is very strong. We read about it and we see it in your actions. So I am pretty sure that SugarAnne will never find the need or desire to "test" you. I, unfortunately, am a tester. I hate that about myself. I find myself constantly questioning Wil's resolve in TTWD even though like you and SugarAnne, Wil and I know that this is the best thing that has ever happened to us and our relationship.
I think we all would love to get to a point where there would never be a need for punishments but then again we are all human and we will continue to mess up even when we don't want to. And yes, if we could find something that gave our relationships that electricity without spanking we would jump at it. There in lies the greatest of unknowns in TTWD. Why does it work so well and why the heck can't we find that dynamic without the spanking. But whatever it is that works so well, I for one, don't want to lose it and if it takes a spanking now and then to keep us where we are right now, I will welcome those spankings and the feelings that they bring about.)

"Do I feel manipulated? Oh my God yes! And she's not even really that good at it. She just doesn't like pain. And since I don't like to have to inflict pain (I'm just too nice I think) she gets off with easy punishments (even though she thinks they're hard). But all of it has been a point of growth and confidence for me."

(I guess in a way SugarAnne's attempts at getting out of a punishment are probably no different then my "testing" to see if I will be punished. It is our way of manipulating the situation, possibly even our way of convincing ourselves that we are still, in some way, in control. Our attempts to do so may be completely opposite but then again so are the dynamics of our relationships. I asked Wil, you asked SugarAnne. I believe, and I may be way off here, that SugarAnne is testing in her own way. She is testing to see how she can break your resolve in TTWD and I am testing to see if Wil's resolve is there. What can I say, we are women if you can figure out what makes us tick write a book, it's guaranteed to be a best seller!

As far as SugarAnne not liking pain and you thinking she gets off way too easy, well I am not going to touch that one with a ten foot paddle!!! All I can say is I'd like to see an HOH be on the receiving end just once and see how much he can take!!!! And I say that in the most respectful of mindsets. LOL.

Seriously though, I believe that TTWD is an incredible tool for growth and confidence in both of the parties involved. I know it forces us look deeper into ourselves, probably deeper then we would like to, but with that understanding and depth comes growth, a growth in ourselves individually and a growth in our relationships. I think that is why we continue on even with the struggles associated with this lifestyle.)

"This answer is superficial in that it's on a conscious level. I do not purport to suggest that I know what is going on subconciously with us. And I say this because when given the "opporutnity"? to punish, the planning of it, the anticipation of it, and, especially, the act (instructing her submissiveness into the desired position and the actual spanking itself) excites the hell out of me. Slap and tickle is cool but with punishment my soul beccomes even more alive and my body rages with unknown (until now) excitement. What joyful confusion!! Throw in the effect that TTWD has had on the rest of our relationship; the increased communication; the deepened intimacy; the titillating experimentation; and, the self discoveries..."

(What a completely true statement that is. It is why I said in the answer above, "I think that is why we continue on even with the struggles associated with this lifestyle.")

"We still marvel sometimes that it works! It seems so, I don't know, so un-something. And yet TTWD resolves and eradicates the simmering resentment that can debiliate a relationship."

(Once again I say, if we could only stand upon the rooftops and shout out the wonders of TTWD so that all might understand!)

"The end all is this: We dread any leak of our old life into the love and peace that we are enjoying since beginning Dd."

(All I can say to that my friend is Amen!)

Posting to Resume Soon!!!!

2010-06-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Guess what, remember that long overdue vacation....you know the one we never seemed to get to go on. Well it has finally, kind of, happened. Wil and I got to go away for a few days for my birthday today. So although I owe SugarAnne and BabyMan a response to their comment and I owe Neo Dom Tom a response to a question I am going to take this time and concentrate only on Wil and I. So we will spend the next few days spending some quality paddling time together (yes we are going kayaking!!! come on people get your minds out of the gutter!) And just reconnect. I will be back Monday, hopefully more relaxed and ready to continue with all the posts that I owe to you all. HAVE A GREAT FEW DAYS....I know I will.
Janet

Answer to Sugar Anne's Question.

2010-06-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

"Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue.

Honesty is hardly ever heard and mostly what I need from you."

Billy Joel

Here is the question I received yesterday: Janet, A few posts ago you alluded to the fact that you had blatantly disobeyed Wil in going to Sam's club and downing a huge diet coke, because ... In your own words, "At that point I didn't care, I was sad, stressed, feeling depressed, wanting to run away and I didn't want to follow any rules, I just wanted to escape all the negative feelings after having such a positive start to the day. I knew there would be hell to pay for my decision but at the time it seemed like the soothing feeling that I get from diet coke would more then make up for whatever Wil would have in mind." BabyMan and I are wondering if you got out of that... and how? I want to know so I can possibly get out of a punishment, and BabyMan wants to know so he can avoid being manipulated. SugarAnne

The honest answer is this:

No, I definitely did not get out of it, I wouldn't have wanted to. I blatantly disobeyed Wil and that has consequences. I may do stupid things throughout the week when Wil is at work and get myself in trouble but if nothing else I am honest. If I disobey a rule I ALWAYS tell Wil. I have never lied to him or tried to hide the truth when I break a rule. For two reasons mainly, 1.) I love my husband and I owe him my respect and honestly in regards to TTWD. He takes the time to do what I have asked of him so if I am not doing what he asks of me he deserves to know. Yes, like a lot of my friends who know about our DD relationship say, "I always rat myself out". I feel that he deserves that from his wife.

2.) With that being said there is also a strict warning that Wil has given me about honesty in our relationship, it goes like this, "If I ever found out that you did something and didn't tell me you don't want to know how much trouble you would be in." So that is also a deciding factor. Wil is right, I NEVER want to feel the wrath of a husband that has caught me in a lie. So although honesty and my love for him is the number one reason I tell him if I have disobeyed I think there is also a little "fear factor" as well.

I hope this answer makes sense to you both. If it doesn't or you want me to delve deeper into it just let me know.

So now for the second part of this post. I answered your question, okay I didn't go into the punishment, lets just say that I honestly think I felt it for over a week!!! Ow, not fun but definitely deserved and let's just say I will think a lot harder before doing the "diet coke thing" again!!!! Now SugarAnne even though you didn't sign up for this one I would like to ask you a question, BabyMan you can chime in on this as well, if you two wish to answer. In your question to me you ended the question with this statement: "BabyMan and I are wondering if you got out of that... and how? I want to know so I can possibly get out of a punishment, and BabyMan wants to know so he can avoid being manipulated."

Why do you feel the need to "get out of a punishment"?

I know by reading both your blogs that your love for one another is very strong. So is it that your DD relationship is still growing that you find yourself trying to avoid punishments? Is it because it was BabyMan who asked for TTWD and you aren't completely comfortable in your role as a submissive wife? Does BabyMan honestly feel that you try to manipulate him and is that why he wanted this type of relationship?

I am not judging or saying that trying to avoid a punishment is wrong I just have never tried to get out of one that I knew I had coming and I am honestly trying to figure out if it is because your rolls in TTWD are reversed as far as who asked who. I asked Wil and therefore I feel I owe him for stepping up and being my HOH. Since BabyMan asked you, do you view this differently then those women who have asked for this?

Neither of you need to feel obliged to answer it was just my curiosity at the difference in how we view TTWD that made me wonder. I never meant to answer a question with a question and I hope I haven't offended you. But if you want to I'd love to find out why it is we view this so differently. Thank you both for your question and if you have more PLEASE ask. I promise not to turn the next one around on you!!!

Janet

Q & A blogs.....

2010-06-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have been following a series of questions and answers on two blogs that I read. A Dauntless Journey
has been asking questions of Neo Dom Tom from Neo Dom's Journey to better understand his D/s relationship. It so far has proven quite interesting. This got me to thinking that perhaps there are questions that some of my followers or lurkers may have about my DD relationship. So I am going to dedicate this weeks postings to answer any and all questions that anyone would like to leave me in my comment section. I will do my best to be completely honest and open in hopes that it will help people in their relationships. So don't be shy.....ask away!!!! And thank you in advanced to anyone who chooses to participate.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!

2010-06-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to wish all the Father's and "Daddy's" out there a wonderful Fathers Day.

Hope you all get a nice day of rest and relaxation and whatever else may come your way on this special day.

You all deserve it!!!

It's Official....she's a SPANKO

2010-06-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

So after reading SugarAnne's blog this morning I just had to do this!!!!!

This is for you SugarAnne!!!

(if you click on the pic it gets bigger)

The real one is in the mail.....e-mail that is.

What if he had said no??

2010-06-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I got to thinking yesterday about how lucky I am that my husband was willing to try a domestic discipline relationship. But for all of us lucky ones out here in the blogland I am sure there are many who are just as unlucky. Those whose husbands or significant others said no instead of yes.

I guess I am wondering what happens when a partner just can't become or is not willing to try to become the type of person you need him to be. Would the relationship survive? Is there some modified version of DD that you would try? Do you let go of those wants and desires for the sake of the relationship?

What if as much as you loved your husband he just wasn't HOH material? Have any of you out there, followers and lurkers alike, ever asked and been told no? Or tried DD and it just didn't work out? How did it feel? What happened to the relationship after wards?

I think for me I would have felt so lost. I'm not sure where our paths would have led us if not for this incredible adventure we call DD. I know we wouldn't be as close as we are now or as open with one another as we are now. I am one of the lucky ones. My husband said yes and because of that our life together has never been better. But I can't help but wonder.....What if?

There's going to be Hell to pay.....

2010-06-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

Those were Wil's words to me last night. It was a warning....a very serious warning. The type of warning that says "I am leaving you to your own actions and decisions but just know this, if you disobey me there will be hell to pay!"

So lets jump back a few hours ago, you know when I wrote my post on peacefulness. And all those nice comments that all of you have left for me. Well some how, some way I still have that feeling inside me of peacefulness, at least now I do. I made my bed and now I am going to have to lie in it. And yes, there is going to be hell to pay tonight but I have accepted that and in the end, because of TTWD it will be put behind us and the peacefulness of this morning will once again return.

So what happened??? Well, in typical Janet style, I blew it. At least my post was on peacefulness not stating that I had finally become 100% submissive. At least I didn't blow that one so quickly. Oh I did blow the submissiveness that I have striven for all week in a lot of areas but I am not going to beat myself up over it...I will leave that to my HOH. It's weird even though I know that I once again made a stupid mistake I still feel as if the strides I have made are still strong. It's a new way of thinking for me and hopefully after once again "paying the piper" tonight I will still feel the same way.

Okay so onto my long and well versed excuse as to what happened. I figure I better tell all of my readers because Wil is quite use to listening to my elaborate excuses and ignoring them completely! Darn, it worked before TTWD, why doesn't it work now???

So after I got up I had to make a very difficult phone call, one that I have been putting off for a long time but Wil and I decided needed to be done. We have to take our puppy back to her foster parents. Try as we might and love her as we do we both have to be honest that she is just not a fit in our lives. We are not the type of people who believe animals are in anyway disposable but it has become unfair to her and to us to try to make this work out any longer. She is miserable because we can't give her the time, attention and most importantly the exercise and space to run that she needs. We are miserable because she is completely hyper from the second she gets up in the morning until we put her to bed. Our great dane is miserable because she constantly harasses him and he is not in the mood anymore to put up with constant harassment. Don't get me wrong. She's a good dog, she's house broken, crate trained, she minds (like all puppies when she wants to) but nothing we can do will slow her down. She is in perpetual motion all day long. And not just crazy puppy motion, she is just simply the most hyper dog we have ever owned and with me being disabled and not able to walk her and with Wil being on limited exercise because of his groin injury there's just no one to take her out and let her get some of her crazy energy out. And believe me, we have tried. Even after a hour and a half walk and time at the dog park she still comes home in psycho mode.

I guess we are just more couch potato Great Dane people, not crazy pitbull/retriever people. She needs to go to a nice home with either young kids to keep her busy or very active adults. Perhaps a home with a LARGE yard that she can run around in. Unfortunately we have neither and in all fairness she needs a chance to live with a family that suits her lifestyle. So I called the foster program that she came from today and arranged to have her taken back. That was such a difficult call. I feel guilty because I was the one who finally blew up and said I couldn't take it any more. I am the one home with her all day and I spend all day playing referee between her and my Great Dane. The hard part here is that she is Wil's dog. It's the first dog I have ever seen him really bond with. When he feels good she's his walking partner, she loves to play outside with him in the water, she loves to go for rides with him in his car but all those good things just can't make up for the stress she causes most of the day.

So together we decided it would be best to re-home her. So this morning after making the call I felt so bad that I had to get out of the house and away from her. Every time I looked at her I started to cry. This really isn't an easy decision. So I took my book and got away from the stress and sadness that seeing her was causing. And of course what did I do the help relieve the stress....well seems I went straight to Sams Club and got a nice huge diet coke to drink while I de-stressed and read my book. Uh, did I mention that the whole Diet Coke thing was why I was given the warning that there would be hell to pay if I didn't follow his rules?

At that point I didn't care, I was sad, stressed, feeling depressed, wanting to run away and I didn't want to follow any rules, I just wanted to escape all the negative feelings after having such a positive start to the day. I knew there would be "hell to pay" for my decision but at the time it seemed like the soothing feeling that I get from diet coke would more then make up for whatever Wil would have in mind.

Well that was then, this is now, and in an hour Wil comes home and to say that I am extremely apprehensive about what is going to happen would be an understatement. He was serious last night when he warned me. And I took that warning to heart. I honestly didn't think anything would push me far enough to disobey him so I said "Yes Sir" when he asked if I understood and now I will have to pay for going against his wishes. I honestly had intended on obeying. I have been doing so well this week, extra chores, getting up with him when he leaves in the morning and packing his lunch, making sure everything is done and dinner is ready when he arrives home. But once again, one little set back and I go running back to the non-submissive person that I am fighting so hard not to be.

So in a few hours there will be "hell to pay", part of me welcomes it. I made my decision and now I have to live with it. Part of me dreads it, there seems to be a new resolve in Wil recently and part of that resolve is to make sure his dominant presence is well known, and if need be felt, if I screw up and boy did I screw up. So although deep inside me I know that my earlier feeling of peacefulness still lingers because we can deal with this and move on, it's the dealing with it that has my stomach doing somersaults!

Peacefulness

2010-06-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have felt this way in a very long time. This morning however I have a feeling of peacefulness surrounding me. Like all the hectic parts of the world are outside my door and I am locked safely inside. It is a wonderful feeling to have.

Things just seem right with the world. Oh it may not last long. I know that eventually today I have to open those doors and let the world in but for right now I am going to lie here and enjoy this ever so brief feeling.

Or am I wrong? Is this feeling not going to be just a fleeting moment. Have I finally found a way to bring more peace to my life. Has letting go and letting Wil take the reigns finally given me the peace that I am longing for. And if that is really what is happening why did I wait so long to do it?

I have been trying my best to be submissive to Wil this week. To follow his lead, to put his needs first. Oh I admit, I haven't done perfect and I have found myself over his knee more then once but I have also found myself being complimented by my husband for doing the right things recently and that is a great feeling.

Why is it that by letting go and allowing Wil to take care of me I finally feel free. I thought that being accountable to anyone but myself would cause more stress yet I am finding that there is so much I don't need to worry about if I just follow Wil's lead. It is almost as if this is too good to be true. I want to bottle this feeling up and save it in case it doesn't last. I just can't believe how differently I feel. I don't even think I could tell you when it happened. Was it last night when I was over his knee and being reminded that I am to follow all the rules and not twist them around for my own personal use? Was it when I submitted to a spanking that I really wasn't in the mood for, didn't feel like doing and felt was a waste of both of our times due to my mindset? Or was it after when things hadn't gone the way either of us planned that evening yet we were both okay with it?

I wish I could tell you "when" it happened, "how" it happened or "why" it happened but I don't have the answer to those questions. The only thing I can say is I am so glad that it did happen!

SUBMISSION............JUST DO IT!!!!

2010-06-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I struggle so much with my submissive side?
What is it I am afraid of?
Why can't I just be the person that I want to be for Wil?
What is it that continues to hold me back?

"JUST DO IT" was what Florida Dom said. It sounded so easy. "So just let go. And tell him you're letting go because you know he will catch you. I'm sure he will be waiting to grab you and make you his submissive." FD continued. Yet in the back of my mind the doubt continues to ring out. Will he catch me? Will he finally grab on and be the Dom I need him to be? What if he's really not ready to be a Dom? What if, what if, what if.......................and the questions continue.

But here's a what if. What if he hadn't stepped up when you asked him to become HOH? What if he had simply said you were crazy and never agreed to any of this? What if you had never been allowed to have so many of your needs fulfilled by the man who loves you? Yet after all he has done for YOU, you continue to hold out on him and not give him what he needs. WHY?

He has stepped up, done what you have asked, put up with your moods where TTWD is concerned. He has tried to become the man you want him to be, so when do you give him all that he has given you???? The honest answer is "I don't know?" I don't know when or if I can and I don't know why I can't. How screwed up is that!

I continue to take and he continues to give. So when do I begin to give? I asked him to be my HOH, to hold me accountable for my actions, to punish me if I don't and he has done all of that. He has asked me for respect and submission yet I continue to struggle with both. He is giving all he can to TTWD am I? What is it I am so afraid of?

I guess the only saving grace I have is that I am not alone in these struggles. I was reading some posts today about submission and was surprised to find that this predicament is not limited to just me.

On What I Wonder's blog Greengirl wrote:

"I have been operating, or learning to start to operate, as submissive for about a year now. But it has been only in this past two weeks that I have been able to come out and say this, that I am submissive." She then continued, "I would think this might make me one of the slowest learners in the world, or deep in denial, or very resistant to the notion of submission. I don't feel like these are true though. I can be incredibly stubborn and convoluted in my thinking, but I'm not generally a slow learner."

Wow does that sound like someone I know!!! I do feel like the world's slowest learner and as far as stubborn goes, well let's just say as a red headed Italian, I wrote the book on stubborn! But even Greengirl got it in a year. Uh, it's been well over a year and a half now and I still haven't gotten it.

Luckily in a comment to this post Turiya from Spirited Meanderings put:
"Wow... this is really a huge step... the acceptance part. Congrats! And don't feel bad... it took me nearly two years to really accept it. I think most of the fear and reluctance comes from societal standards to be honest. Somehow being submissive is always equated with weakness, when it has nothing to do with that."

So there it is, in writing, and from two bloggers that I respect. It took them time too. In no way am I using this as an excuse. I still believe that if I took Florida Dom's advice and "Let Go" then a whole new world would be opened up to me. After all its hard to be a Dom if your sub isn't submissive. So why should I expect him to grow as an HOH and Dom when I am not growing as his sub? I need to "let go" and see where this leads us. I need to put aside my doubts that he will not do things "my way" and accept what it is he is willing to give. I honestly believe that if I allowed him to lead he would grow in that leadership. I guess the only way to find out is to take FD's advice and "JUST DO IT!" (wish me luck)

Post One.....New Ambien Warning.

2010-06-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Seems if you take your sleeping pills and then your Dom wants a little pleasure from you it could turn out to be hazardous to either parties health.

This lesson was learned Saturday night in quite an embarrassing way. After a pretty serious punishment spanking and a long talk afterwards I took my Ambien and headed into dream land. Wil however didn't know I had taken one and told me it was time to "please" him. This is not an unusual thing after a punishment. I did as I was told and it seems that several times I had to be woken up and told to finish what I was doing.

Seems the sleeping pill I had taken had different ideas then what Wil expected. I honestly woke up the next day and asked Wil if it were a dream. Imagine my embarrassment when I learned that what I thought was a very funny dream ended up being reality!!! "Yes" Wil told me, "You fell asleep a couple of times and I had to wake you up."

So I believe that the FDA needs to add a new warning on the Ambien label.
"Warning: Use of this product when performing oral sex can pose a choking hazard. Do not take if oral sex is imminent."
*OR*
"Warning: Oral sex is not recommended with the use of Ambien. Loss or damage to certain male body parts could occur. Use at you or your partner's own risk."

Okay...I can't believe I just posted this.....FUNNY, but true!!!
Now onto post #2 for the day.

Thanks SugarAnne.....

2010-06-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

SugarAnne's last post was incredible! It talked about the ways that she has changed since she and BabyMan have begun their DD relationship. It also made me realize how much, even after nearly two years, I struggle with the thought of "losing myself" to TTWD. I don't know where that fear comes from or why I struggle so much with it.

I really don't even like who that person is/was. Yet in the back of my mind I still think that to let go of that person completely somehow I would not be as strong as I want to be.

Wil's favorite line to me is, "You've got a messed up idea of what strong is. Strong is not being independent and taking care of yourself, strong is letting go and letting someone else take care of you." Deep down I know he is right yet I still struggle with the fear of letting go completely. I have been disappointed by so many people that I love in my life and to give myself completely over to one person with the fear that someday he too may disappoint me is nearly impossible to do.

I know what those of you who read my blog are thinking, "This is Wil we are talking about, he'll never let you down." And part of me knows that. Believe me I want to trust with all my heart, to love him, with no strings attached, like he loves me. The things he says to me, the things he does amaze me. I want to feel that towards him without that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. After all it is not fair to Wil. He has never given me a reason to doubt him. He has never hurt me like others in my life, yet he is the one paying the price for their mistakes.

So I need to figure out a way to let go, to give in and be the wife that he deserves. It really hurts me that I still struggle with this after so long. It's almost as if I am waiting for him to screw up so I can take all those feelings of doubt that I hold onto and say, "See, you are just like the rest of them!! I knew you'd hurt me too!" What a messed up way of thinking! Unfortunately it has been learned and embedded into my mind after so many years of hurt and disappointment that to trust anyone, even the man I know loves me more then anything is difficult for me.

In SugarAnne's blog she quoted what she felt BabyMan may have been thinking during their first spanking experience:

I am your husband, your lover, your provider and protector, and I would break my back to give you anything that you ask for. So from now on, you are to treat me as though I'm someone that you love deeply enough to want to impress with every fiber of your being.

This quote really got me thinking about how I view things and about how I should be viewing things. I should want to impress Wil and show him my respect and submission with "every fiber of my being" yet I continue to struggle. Maybe I should have this tattooed across my forehead so that I can be reminded every time I look in the mirror that I owe it to my husband to want to impress him, respect him, and submit to him completely.

Instead the struggle goes on. Maybe a little less then before. Slowly Wil is chipping away at the iceberg that surrounds my heart and mind and keeps me from "letting go" completely. On the outside it may appear to be small and easily broken but like the picture above shows, underneath it is still huge and so hard to battle against. Recently though, because of Wil's patience, love, new resolve and dominance, I find myself trying harder and harder to trust and with that trust become the wife that Wil so deserves. Luckily I am married to an AMAZING man and a very patient man. So just keep chipping away babe, I'm in here and someday soon with your love, patience and guidance I will be the wife you so deserve me to be.

The Promise..............

2010-06-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

"I will do my best to lead you, through this journey we are on together. I may mess up at times, but I will never take my eye off the finish line. I will always come back and take care of you!!!"

This was the last thing Wil wrote in my morning e-mail today. How does one respond to such a pledge of devotion? What is it that I have done in my life to deserve such an incredible love? I don't even know how to respond to such a promise yet I know that I will, I know that I must. A gift of love like this can not and will not be taken lightly. He is offering me the one thing that I have searched for all my life, unconditional love. In return I need to give to him my love, my respect, and for all that he is doing for me, my submission. I need to try harder then I have ever tried before because that is what he is doing for me and by doing so we can follow this journey we are on together.

Perhaps with all that was going on we lost sight of that journey, but now that we have found it again it is better then ever and we are both once again excited to see where it will continue to take us. I had a blog before this one more just about my life in general. The name of that blog was "Life Ain't Always Beautiful, but It's A Beautiful Ride." It's actually from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs. And those words can't be truer. Life isn't always beautiful, but as long as I have Wil next to me to lead me, care for me and love me it will always be a beautiful ride.

Make your own Damn Dinner!!!!! (Or...Don't tell me what to do!!!!)

2010-05-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

FRUSTRATED:
frus·trated
1. To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in.

2. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

So my morning email really set me off! I don't know if I am angry, frustrated, pms-ing or just confused. But it hit a nerve and I don't know what to do about it.

My morning emails from Wil have been arriving as usual the only difference is that they don't have anything specific that I have to do since we have put DD on hold. This mornings email said to have dinner ready when Wil got home. This isn't really even an unusual request but it just made me so angry!

My mind instantly went into defensive mode: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!! If you aren't going to be my HOH. You are NOT in charge of me. This is my life and what I do and when are MY decisions, so step up or back off!!!!" All those thoughts are still ringing in my brain as I write this. I feel angry, alone, let down, frustrated and most of all not cared for. Yet I am the one that told him he could take a break. So where are these feelings coming from? And even more frustrating is what do I do about them????

I meant it when I said, take as long as you need. I meant it when I said, I'll be here waiting when you are ready. I even am trying, although quite unsuccessfully, to do what I think will still show Wil some respect and
submission but it's just not working. I feel my submissive side slipping away much more quickly then I wanted or needed it to. I feel those 42 years of making my own decisions grabbing a hold of me and refusing to let go. I don't want to lose what we have found yet I feel myself slipping away. "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" is repeating over and over in my mind, in my actions, in my daily life and there is no one to pull me back and say "Hey, KNOCK IT OFF!"

I want, no I need that type of guidance in my life. If I didn't would I have asked for a DD relationship. I feel as if I am spinning around with no direction and there is no end in sight. I really didn't know how much DD had kept me in check until it was gone. And with it went all sense of direction. Did I really live like this for 42 years??? No wonder I was always irritable and depressed. The strength that I find from having the leadership and guidance of an HOH is no longer available and I am floundering like a fish out of water.

I know Wil needs this time for himself to gather his thoughts and get a better focus on himself and on "Us" but what about me? As he is finding himself, I am losing myself, how long will this take and how far apart will we be when we finally try to pull it all back together? I think the saddest part of all of this is I just can't get myself to put on my bracelet anymore. It was a sign of my respect, or at least my attempts at respect towards my HOH and with no HOH there is no reason to put it on in the morning.
I guess that is what hurts the most.