I'll Be Back............

Sorry to all my followers that I haven't been around the last few days.  I had another episode and ended back in the hospital.  I am taking a break for a few days while I regain my strength.  I do have a couple of good topics I'd like to share as soon as I am feeling stronger.  So since I am from Cali-forn-ia, I thought the picture was appropriate.   Don't give up on me I'll be back!!!
Janet

PS on happier news our grandaughter was born Sunday night.  8lbs 3 oz and very healthy.  Thank you Lord.

When saying I'm sorry has to be enough.....

Okay so I feel like the puppy in the picture.  I didn't mean to do it.....well I guess I did but I didn't think that my HOH would be so upset.  I'm not even sure if he really is but his email this morning sounded a little more like a lecture then a "Good morning I love you".

I broke the no eating out rule and at a time that no one would even think I could.  I can't drive, I don't have my debit card and cash doesn't exist in this house so how could I possible blow it????  Well that's what friends are for right? 

I was so tired of just laying on the couch, I was lonely, there wasn't a darn thing to eat here because I hadn't shopped since getting out of the hospital.   I swear all I remember eating the last week is turkey and hospital food!  So I called my best friend and in a very pathetic voice said, "Will you go to BK and get me some lunch?"  Of course what best friend could deny a sick buddy food.  So she did just that.  Oh I was so proud of myself.  I had managed to get BK even without being allowed to drive or go out by my doctors.  So of course what do I do last night.  Well more like what did my evil voice do last night.  It admitted to Wil that I had eaten BK for lunch and was quite proud of how even under the most extreme circumstances I was talented enough to figure out a way to eat out.  (I KNOW STUPID!!!)

"Oh you are so lucky that you just got out of the hospital! Because you'd be in BIG trouble if you were well right now." Wil stated sounding quite disappointed in my actions.  Suddenly I didn't feel so proud of myself. I was in trouble and there wasn't much that I could do except apologize.  There would be no clearing the air with a spanking.  So now I have to deal with the guilt of not following my HOH's wishes and know that there is no way to put it behind us.   I was told to write 50 sentences that I would not use my friends to help me be bad.  Probably should have been more like 500 sentences but at least he was able to assign some sort of punishment to my actions.  So for now saying "sorry" is all I can offer him, that and my sentences.  I can't wait until all these health problems are behind us and we can continue on with our lives.

Topping from the Bottom

I have been doing a lot of reading recently on blogs written by people just starting out in their DD journey.  It is an incredible time in their lives.  I remember it well.  I am also lucky enough to still be enjoying the semi-newness of a DD relationship.  I think we have reached that point where we are comfortable in our roles and that overwhelming need for me to feel his authority often has deminished.  I still need it, I still long for it and I always will but I am also now comfortable with his part in this relationship and I know he and the spankings aren't going anywhere.

It is a good place to be, it is comfortable and it took a long time to get there.  For all the women out there just begining a DD, LDD, TTWD, CDD relationship there is one important thing that I have learned that is don't top from the bottom.  And that is one of the hardest things to do.  When starting out in this type of relationship a woman craves spankings like a child craves candy.  It makes us feel loved, protected, cared for and it brings about more feelings then I can even begin to list.  It becomes almost addictive in a way and there were times for me at least that I almost quit our DD relationship because the cravings for a spanking were taking over my life.  It was all I wanted.  I needed them at any cost.  It didn't matter what my HOH wanted.  I NEEDED TO BE SPANKED, it was like a new drug that I couldn't get enough of and at times the need almost drove me crazy.

So one day I put a question out onto a forum that I belonged to.  I don't even think it was a question it was probably more like a complaint.  I didn't think my HOH was spanking enough, I tested, I pushed, I tried everything in my power to get that need for a spanking met and it didn't matter to me how it effected my HOH.  I never thought about the fact that he was still new at this and finding his way in this new life also.  The need for spankings blinded me to the fact that I was still the one in control because I wanted spankings done my way.

I was lucky.  An HOH from the forum I belonged to answered my question.  Did I like what he said?  NO!  Was it what I needed to hear at the time?  OH YEAH!!!
This is what he said:
"You are not respecting your husband as your HOH if the spankings have to be your way and when you want them.  It is not your place to say how he should be doing his job.  It is hard enough for an HOH who is learning to find the right balance of when to be firm and when to let things go.  He is dealing with his own questions at this time and his own feelings about fitting into this new role.  He may be having difficulty with how to spank, he may be struggling with feelings of not wanting to hurt the woman he loves, and your demanding him to be the perfect spanker and disciplinarian right from the start is not only unfair it is disrespectful to the man you have agreed to be submissive to. 
You need to take a step back and let your HOH be the leader.  Do not belittle him for not doing things exactly the way you want him to.  Do not question his decisions this will only lead to him questioning the relationship as a whole.  Relax, take a deep breath and allow your HOH to discover his own way in the relationship or you may push him away from the things you want the most.  Accept what he is willing to give, when he is willing to give it and thank him often for his efforts.  Only then will he be allowed to become the HOH he needs to be."

That was such a hard lesson to learn.  At times it still is.  I still find myself wishing he would do things this way or that way but now before I complain to him or anyone about it I stop and think to myself.  "A year ago you only dreamed of a relationship like this.  Now you have it.  It may not be exactly how you want it but at least it is happening.  Don't push him.  He is the leader and his decisions need to be respected." 

Spankings even when not exactly how we want them are still a lot more then we were getting before so step back and be thankful for what you are getting.  Don't push so hard that you push away something as special as a DD relationship all together because you may not get it back.  I promise those crazy spanking cravings will level out and you will find yourself eventually with the "Did I really ask for this?" thought in your mind as your HOH finds his place.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.  I guarantee it is more then worth it in the long run.

In Sickness and In Health............

Wow, this has been a very eye opening weekend, in more ways then one.  First let me start with a little history on how our weekend began:

Friday night about 5pm I got very ill. No one knows why. I love being a mystery. We called Kaiser and they told Wil to take me to emergency. I remember getting into the car. That's the last thing I remember.
They say when I arrived at the ER that I was unable to be woken and they told Wil that it was a situation that could lead to death. I guess they told him this several times. Poor guy, he was alone and scared and I couldn't even help him.

I am told I woke up a few times but didn't know where I was, what year it was, I knew Wil's name but didn't know who he was. Then I would fall back into a state of confusion and be gone for several more minutes. I am told, or at least I have the bruises and holes to prove it that in this time I had two I.V's put in, blood drawn from my veins and from an artery, a chest x-ray and a catheter put in. I don't remember a thing.

I woke up alone in the cat scan room but couldn't talk. Kind of scary. After the cat scan I got back to the ER and found Wil, exhausted, teary eyed and bright red from the stress. I knew who he was and heard the questions they were asking but I still couldn't figure out how to talk or respond. I could nod and held Wil's hand tightly so he knew I was there with him. I heard mention of spinal meningitis, I heard that I would be getting a spinal tap, they gave me some meds to reduce swelling in my brain and eventually I began to communicate again.

The first thing I said was, "I want to go home.' I guess it was kind of a pathetic plea because Wil still talks about how cute and unsure I said it, and kept saying it. I remember he told me that I was very sick and that I couldn't go home for quite a while. Then I remember the spinal tap, or should I say taps!!! Four in all! None worked, I was too weak to sit up and they couldn't get it in with me on my side. My spine still is killing me. It hurts to sit up and to lay down, this sucks! So any one out there know how long the pain and bruising from spinal taps last?

As I became more aware I was told that my white blood cell count was up and they knew I had an infection somewhere but not sure where, they wanted to rule out spinal meningitis but without the spinal fluid couldn't so they put me on massive doses of antibiotics and admitted me. They put me on the telemetry floor because my heart and blood pressure were unstable. I guess at home it had been 171/115 then 169/125. No one knows why it spiked so high in someone that has unusually low blood pressure but it did. They now attribute the confusion and lack of responsiveness to my blood pressure spike. They did an MRI yesterday to rule out any damage to my brain that may have been caused by this spike in blood pressure and to rule out a stroke. Luckily both were negative. 

They stopped all my meds and reintroduced them slowly so that my blood pressure was a little more stable. They continued high doses of antibiotics and I saw more doctors in two days then I can count. My cardiologist was incredible as ever and really took control of the situation on Sunday and Monday explaining my condition to the other doctors and demanding that I be put back on all my meds so that I could function semi-normally when I got home. It was quite a battle on his part, a lot of the doctors wanted my meds changed but it seems once I got back on my normal meds my blood pressure became stable again and my cardiologist won the battle. 

So here I am a few days later. I am alive, I am being overly loved by my giant great dane who missed me immensely. He won't leave my side. I am being overly loved by my giant, brave and incredible husband who thought he might lose me. He doesn't want to leave my side but work calls him back to reality and he had to go. My daughter is being awesome and helping out, my son and daughter-in-law are doing all they can but my daughter-in-law is suppose to give me that beautiful second granddaughter this week so there isn't a lot they can do. This sucks, I am suppose to be helping them right now!

I am told that I will be sent to Stanford Medical Center for more testing. My doctors have done all they can to help with my blood pressure instability and it's time to bring in the big guns. I am told that the doctors at Stanford love a challenge. Yeah I like being called a medical challenge......NOT!

I am resting as comfortable on the couch as possible with four holes in my spine. OW!! I am doing what the doctors are telling me to do. It is still a mystery what caused this. They have agreed that it was probably a mixture of having an infection, combined with my blood pressure instability the fact that I had gotten over tired the night before with a bad cough and possibly too much salt that day, although they are the ones who have me eating a high salt diet. Go Figure. 

So I will wait, see the doctors at Stanford. Try to regain my strength and enjoy the holidays and look forward to the birth of my second granddaughter and thank the Lord that I will be here to hold her and love her, to enjoy all my family and spend many more years with the incredible man that I love so much.

That is the post I put out on my facebook to explain to all my vanilla friends what had happened. What I didn't post was this.  Thursday Wil and I had done a punishment spanking.  Actually a well deserved one although at the time I thought it was just going to be maintenance.  Since it had been a punishment spanking there of course was some residual bruising on my upper thighs.  I was so scared that the doctors were going to see them!  How would we explain this?   Hadn't Wil just gone through enough, he certainly didn't need to go through some questioning about why there was bruising on me.  Some how out of pure luck and a lot of covering myself once I knew what was going on the bruises weren't seen.  But now I am scared.  I know I have health problems and there will be a lot of doctors appointments coming up so what do we do about our lifestyle.  I don't want to give it up but at the same time I never want Wil accused of something he isn't doing.  

Has anyone out there had a similar case?  What did you do?  What do you say?  I know it's something Wil and I need to discuss but I am so afraid he may say no more DD for awhile and I would hate to lose what we have and the positive effects it has on both of us.  I guess it's just one of those situations where we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.  Well thats what our wedding vows cover though, in sickness and in health and the fact that I am here and able to spend many more years with the man I love is worth whatever we need to do.  I just hope that soon we will be able to get back to our lives and this wonderful thing called DD that has brought us so much more then we ever thought possible.

Ever wish you were wired differently???

So last night was a tough one.  Wil and I had planned on it being a maintenance/take care of some business night.  I had sent my daughter out with what I thought would be a long grocery list and we could have some "us" alone time.  Well lets just say that the best laid plans sometimes just don't work out the way we planned them.

I got my Social Security Disability paperwork in the mail yesterday.  Tons of forms that had to be filled out and mailed back by a deadline.  With the Holiday and Weekend approaching I knew it had to be done last night.  So I finished mine but Wil also had a ten page report to fill out.  Unfortunately our daughter left while we were doing this and by the time we were done she had returned home.  So much for alone time.

Once we were done with the paperwork it was bedtime.  Wil stated once we were in bed that since spanking was out of the question that I needed to please him as part of my punishment until a spanking could occur.  Now usually that is fine, I enjoy giving my man pleasure but last night I just wasn't in the mood.  Which I guess makes it all the more a punishment.  I had done something against his wishes and it was time to pay for it.  So I did what was requested, with somewhat of an attitude and we snuggled afterwards.  I was still sulking.  I didn't think it was fair that he should get some sort of release from his stress when I wasn't able to get any type of release from mine.  The more I dwelled on it the angrier I got, not at Wil, just at the entire situation that leaves us unable to live the life we want to at the spur of the moment.

Of course this leads to all kinds of negative thoughts in my head about DD.  Why do I need it so badly?  Why can't I be wired differently so that I didn't need spankings and dominence in my life to deal with stressful situations.  Why can't I just be a happy vanilla person whose life is not complicated by thoughts of discipline.  The more I thought about it the more upset I became.  I wanted to say something to Wil about how I felt that it was unfair that he can get relief but I can't.  But I didn't want to look like I was telling him how to be an HOH.  And I didn't want him to think that I was trying to control the situation.  So I did what I do so well and I shut down.

Okay so after 27 years of marriage my husband knows me way too well and starts the "We need to discuss what's wrong lecture".  I didn't want to talk, I wanted to curl up under my favorite blanket and dwell in my self pity.  Talking wouldn't change the situation so why bother.  However my wonderful husband saw things differently and persisted with questions about what was bothering me until I finally opened up.  I explained to him how I was feeling, that I needed attention as well even when things are hard to do because of our daughter being around.  I said that I felt it wasn't fair that I could take care of his needs but that he couldn't take care of mine.  I hated opening up because I felt like I was just telling him how to be an HOH and I never want to do that.  He is trying so hard and doing so well, so much better then I am.

Instead of being angry at my thoughts, Wil thanked me for telling him.  He said without input from me he couldn't grow as an HOH and that is why communicating is so important in this type of relationship.  He promised not to slack off in his duties as an HOH even when things can't be taken care of right then and there.  He promised to think of alternate punishments to give until things can be "dealt" with so that I know he is always looking out for me.  And to make his point this morning in my email I was assigned sentences and extra time on the exercise bike to let me know that he is still my HOH.

So once again the reminder of COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE comes into play.  I am trying, its still hard for me but each time I am able to talk to him with positive outcomes my walls come tumbling down a little bit more.  Did I mention how much I love this man!!!!!

Blahhhh

The never ending flu, no alone time and being up too late with my daughter-in-law at the hospital with a false alarm on labor makes for a very grumpy me.  It would have been so cool to hold that new little granddaughter in my arms today.  Oh well not much longer and besides with me being sick (still or again, haven't decided) it's better she wait a few more days.
It's days like this that I just wish my HOH were here to hold me, correct me, get me out of this crappy mood and just be with me.  WE NEED SOME ALONE TIME!!  I think if I feel good enough tonight I will send our daughter out to finish the Thanksgiving shopping so Wil and I can reconnect.  Besides I have been reminded that I had quite the attitude on Sunday and there's some discussion coming up about that. 
So thats my post for today, not very in depth or thought provoking just another day in the life of a DD wife.

Spontaneity

In a world where life gets in the way much too often I long for spontaneity.  Just once to be called on what I did wrong right then and there.  No, we have to wait til we are alone or I need to put the dogs out because my big goofy great dane will eat my HOH if he thinks he's hurting me.

Will there ever be a time in our lives when we don't have to put spankings on hold?  Haven't we earned that after all these years of putting everyone but ourselves first.  We've raised our kids, we've made sure they had all they wanted and need so when is "our" time.

I know it sounds like I am whining.  Maybe I am. Maybe just once I need my HOH to be able to take me by the arm when I am not being respectful, pull me over his lap on the couch and just remind me that he is in charge.  Yeah I know its a dream, but its a nice one. 

How awesome would it be to live in a world where spankings were readily accepted.  If we misbehaved in public we were called on it then and there.  A world where no one would think twice about seeing a husband give his wife a quick swat to keep her in line.  A world where if our teenagers were home and we misbehaved they just understood that mom's in trouble.  I'M TIRED OF SNEAKING the best thing that ever happened to us!!

Okay maybe I just need a little cheese with my whine and get over it.  But wouldn't it be great to live our lifestyle with the spontaneity that it needs?  I know some day we will be able to but right now it seems a world away.