Testing.........................

 I was reading Tammy and Jake's Blog this morning and the topic was testing.  Jake was wondering if Tammy was possibly testing him.  That question, without being able to watch their interactions with one another, is a hard one to answer but the truth is she probably is.  Consciously or subconsciously I don't know, but testing is something that we do and I wanted to talk about why. 

For me testing is a way of convincing myself that Wil is committed to TTWD.  It's not fair of me to do it, but I do.  I feel as we become more and more comfortable in our roles that I test less and less, but I still test.  I think the main reason I test is because our lifestyle doesn't lend itself to much consistency.  It's no one's fault but there is so much going on in our lives that consistency pretty much isn't possible.  In a DD relationship consistency is so important and when it's not possible it can lead to a lot of doubts and insecurities.  What I wouldn't give to experience BabyMan and SugarAnne's DD relationship.  There's no "We will deal with this after you put the dog out" or "We will take care of this when we are alone" (whenever that may happen to be in the next week or two).  No, when there is a problem with them it is dealt with then and there.  I guess I should start calling BabyMan "Mr. Consistency"  but that is exactly what TTWD needs, consistency. 

Unfortunately, the relationship that BabyMan and SugarAnne share probably isn't the norm in TTWD.  A lot of us have to deal with inconsistencies because we have children still at home or because our spouses work away from home at times.  There are daily stresses that can have a major effect on TTWD.  Family problems, work problems, even financial problems plaque us all from time to time and when this happens DD can get put on the back burner.  I find that it is times like these that I really test and question Wil's commitment to our relationship.  It's probably because during these times I am usually stressed out and desperately in need of the stress relief that a spanking can provide.  By pushing Wil's limits I can pretty much guarantee myself a spanking but like I said before that isn't fair to Wil.  That is why I have found myself trying a lot harder not to test as I become more confident in our relationship.  After all it is not his fault that we have a consistency issue, that's just the way life is right now. 

I have found that testing can be a double edged sword.  Yes, it gets me the attention that I am longing for at the time but it can also cause a real trust issue in our relationship.  Trust is so important in TTWD and if Wil can't trust me not to test him then how can he trust me if I accidentally do something and it wasn't a test.   How will he be able to tell if I am testing him again or if I actually made a mistake.  I guess testing is a lot like the situation in "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".  If I tell him something I did was actually a mistake how can he really believe me if I am constantly testing him?  

So here I am two years into our DD relationship and yet at times I still find myself testing Wil's resolve.  Is it fair?  No.  Should I do it?  No. Am I trying to stop?  YES!  I need to trust him.  I need to allow him to be the leader in our home during the good times and the bad times.  I have made a commitment to TTWD and to Wil and I owe it to both of us to step back, let go and let Wil be my HOH in his own way and at his own pace.