Injuries, Toys and Anniversaries!!!!

Sorry it's been a while since I have written a new post and even this one probably won't be the deep, well thought out post that I like to write but I have a few minutes of quiet and I thought I'd try to get an update in.
Wil has been home for two weeks with an injured shoulder and it looks like he may be home a few weeks more before he is released to go back to work.  I LOVE having him home.  Since I am disabled it is tough being home alone all the time and I have to say that except for the fact that he is completely bored at this point because he is restricted from most activities (including spanking!!!) I am so happy to have someone with me all day long. 

Of course it can be dangerous having him not at work.  Yesterday after his physical therapy session in the city he suggested that we go to a store called Leather Etc.  I figured they would have a lot of purses, jackets, hats, and maybe, somewhere hidden in the back, they would have a small area of leather "toys".  WRONG!!! I should have known something was up when we had to ring a bell to be let in.  This store was the exact opposite of what I was expecting it was almost all TOYS and very little jackets and such.  Well Wil was in heaven, I think he must have played with almost every implement in the store before settling on a purple leather crop, a beautiful, soft and supple pink and black collar, and a pink leather Y strap that attaches my wrist restraints to my collar or ankle restraints.  Plus he got a lot of Christmas ideas and to make matters worse this store is just a few blocks away from his job so I am afraid our "private" Christmas gifts this year will not be pleasant, at least not for my bottom.

Luckily we were unable to really break-in the crop because of Wil's shoulder injury but he did try it out with his left hand and all I can say is OUCH!!!! It's stingy and very easy to be accurate with even with his left hand.  I don't look forward to our first maintenance session when this can actually be used properly with his right hand.  I see a love/hate relationship with this implement in my future. 

Finally before I finish I want to wish Wil a Happy Third Anniversary on our DD relationship.  It will be three years this Friday since we began what has been the best thing to ever happen to us as a couple.  We have come so far, learned so much and fallen in love all over again.  It has been three years of incredible discoveries and sharing so much more then we ever thought possible.  It is unbelievable where we are now and I know it will only continue to get better.  I look forward to every new experience that we will share this year and in the years to come.  I only wish we had discovered this thirty years ago when we first met.  But perhaps it is so much sweeter now because we had to wait so long.  I love you babe and thank you for becoming the man that I have always dreamed of as I try to learn how to become the woman you are helping me to be. 

Torn

I asked for this right?
I wrote him the letter that you saw in my last post.  I asked him to push me past my limits.  I asked him to make me his........
And he has.  He has done everything I asked of him.  He has completely stepped up and become the dom that I asked him to be but there in lies the problem.

I don't want to submit!!!!  Or do I???  I want my freedom, yet I want to be controlled.  I want both, but I want them on my terms not his.  I am so TORN!

This morning, after a wonderful week vacation together, I got my daily email from Wil.  It said what he wanted me to do today.  Unpack from vacation.  "Okay", I thought to myself," not a problem, I can do that."  Then he went on to remind me that we are home now and it was time to start following the daily rules again.
Drink water....Okay.
Eat Right....I can do that.
Take your pills......Yuck, but alright.
One diet coke a day.....Well that's a tough one but doable. 
Call me to spend money.....Even this was fine.
They were all the usual rules.  Ones that I could step and and do for him since he had stepped up for me.  Then the email continued.  I have a new rule, the email stated.  This one is going to be hard for you to swallow but I need to take more charge of you.  From now on, the rule says, you are to call me and get approval before you drive your car.
UH NO!!!!!
It's my car, it's my freedom, it's my escape from the world when I need it!  My car is my sanctuary, it's MINE!!! 

For a long time I didn't have my own car.  I used one of Wil's.  He had his FJ, he had his Porsche and I drove them, but they weren't mine, they were his.  I was simply using them when I needed to.  Cars have always been a huge part of my life they give me so much joy and the few years I went without my own sucked, so when I won my SSI settlement the first thing I did was bought myself my own car.  MY car, not Wil's!  I don't have to share it, I could hang whatever I wanted from the rear view mirror.  I could keep my cd's in it and listen to my music.  I could do whatever I wanted in it because it was MINE.  Now Wil wanted to control that too.  REALLY????

At first when I read the new rule I was amazed that Wil was pushing his dominance over me to such a high level.  It was exactly what I had asked for.  Then I woke up, the sleepiness cleared from my head and I got angry.  There was no way that I was going to agree to this rule.  He'd never even mentioned such a thing before.  He knew how I felt about my car and the freedom it gave me.  By instilling such a rule he was taking away my freedom, my ability to escape anytime I wanted or needed.  This new rule completely dominated my entire life! (I know, that's the whole idea right?)

So once again after a good start to a submissive morning I became torn.  Torn by my desire to submit to Wil's rules and my desire to remain in charge of my life.  I wondered should I call Wil and discuss this new rule with him?  Should I simply submit and do as he requested?  Should I find some way to twist the rule around to my advantage? (something that I am very good at doing) Should I make up side rules to his rule so that I was still submitting but so that he didn't have such a strong grip on me?  I sat there wondering am I the only person who has this much trouble with rules?  Am I the only submissive person, or in my case, wannabe submissive person who just can't bring herself to follow the rules no matter how much she wants them?  Do any other subs out there struggle this much with submitting? 

The more I struggled with what to do the angrier I got.  Then the angry me, who I call my evil twin's voice sounded off and here's what she said, "The rule stated to call for permission to drive my car, no other car.  So go out to the garage, take Wil's Porsche and drive it today.  That way when he gets home and asks you why you never called for permission to drive your car you can look at him with an innocent grinchly grin and say, "That's because I didn't drive my car, I drove the Porsche, and you never said I had to call for permission to drive it!" 

Oh that would show him! I'd completely turn this one around on him.  I'd show him that he can't take my car away from me without there being consequences.  I'm much smarter then that!  It was an incredible plan! I loved it!  It would be just what he deserved for trying to take away my freedom.  And three years ago before TTWD it is exactly what I would have done.  In fact it was exactly what my evil twin was begging me to do.  It was classic Janet rebellion.  It would make it very clear that I couldn't be dominated unless I wanted to and it would show Wil who was really in charge.  But deep inside there was another voice as well.  Much softer and quieter but for some reason it was overpowering the voice of my evil twin.  This voice said that Wil didn't deserve that type of treatment, that he had stepped up, done exactly what I had asked of him and that not only did he deserve more respect then that but our relationship deserved more as well.  I owed him my submission not the rantings and plotting of my evil twin.  He had stepped up, could I?

So as I write this post I am sitting at my morning restaurant, drinking my one diet coke for the day and eating a healthy breakfast so that I can do the things that Wil asked me to do today.  My pills have been taken and the bottles of water are at home in the freezer getting nice and cold so I can drink my water today as well......see I can submit!

As for the car situation, well I am happy to report that the Porsche is still comfortably tucked away in the garage where it belongs.  I decided that I would not drive it out of rebellion.  My car sits outside the window of the restaurant that I am at.  My freedom is still there beckoning me for another chance to escape from the craziness of the world.  I smile when I see her out there because she is mine, my enjoyment, my way to blow off steam when the world gets too crazy.  Did I call Wil and ask him if I could drive her to breakfast??????......Uh, no.  But hey I didn't take the Porsche and for me my friends that is a huge step in my path towards being a submissive wife.  I'll get there someday, as for now all I can do is just takes baby steps.

"What I want".....A letter to my Dom

 I want to be yours, completely.

I want you to demand more from me then you think I am willing to give.

I want to be held accountable for my actions no matter how big or small they may be.

I want to be bound by you, taken by you in any way you please and in doing so I want to please you.

I want to grow in my submission through growth of your dominance.

I want us to travel this journey together and never stop learning more and more about our hopes, dreams and desires.

I want you to make me yours, heart, body, mind and soul.

I wrote this for Wil and gave it to him last night........tonight we will discuss it while we are alone.......to be continued.

I had to share this......OMG too funny!!!

I just saw this on TV and had to share it with the Spanking Community.  Guess Spanking isn't so taboo after all!!!!! LOL.

Inside the mind of a Spanko

So what is it that makes some of us have a need for submission and spanking in our lives when others find the thought of submission and/or spanking unreasonable or ridiculous?  I don't know if there is one good answer for that question.  Is it upbringing?  Events that have taken place in our lives?  Something sexual?  Or perhaps some of us are just wired to be spankos?  I have taken a hard look at myself, my childhood, my sexual desires and even my personality and there are aspects of all of these that I think could lead to my desire for spanking and submission in my life.  I just can't put my finger on one event or thing that has created this desire. 

My childhood was completely without discipline.  Either my parents didn't care enough to discipline my sister and I, were too lazy to deal with it or too busy with their own lives to deal with the two children they had made.  I think the third reason is the most likely.  They had their own lives, their own desires and their own goals and children really didn't fit well into those plans.  I think they had us because it was what you did back then, what you were expected to do.  It didn't matter if you would make a good parent or not.  You got married, bought a house, had two and a half kids, got a dog and a couple of cars.  That was what was expected.  And that is exactly what my parents did and then they went on with their own lives and left us to fend for ourselves.  I never felt as if they cared enough to discipline me yet I always had a desire for someone to take control.  My parents never did, perhaps that is where some of this comes from. 

Growing up there was emotional abuse from my parents, nothing we did was ever good enough for them.  There was also a lot of bullying in our neighborhood and at school and sexual abuse from a babysitter.  I am not sure how or even if this would be something that would create a need or desire to be submissive but it may have.  Unfortunately I never studied psychology so I am not sure what the association there would be.  I just wonder how many of us spankos were either emotionally abused or physically abused as children.  Is there a link?

Sexually I was a giant prude for the first 25 years of our marriage.  I will never forget the night I approached Wil with the idea of living a spanking lifestyle.  I told him that I had needs, desires and a lot of sexual fantasies.  You should have seen the look on his face, he was completely astounded at what I was saying.  I think he honestly believed that I was happy with our completely dull sex life.  It wasn't his fault, I just had never talked about sex with him and he had no idea that I had any sexual desires or sexual fantasies.  Wow, looking back now I wonder what happened to that person, the prude, because finally the fantasies have all been fullfilled and the sex is incredible!! It's amazing what TTWD does for a relationship. 

Now as for being a spanko fitting in with ones personality I just don't think I fit into that mold either.  My personality is an ever changing facet of my life.  In social situations I am shy and even a bit scared.  I don't like them, never have never will.  I can always be found hanging on to Wil for dear life in social situations.  I need him there to keep me strong and protect me.  Yet at work I was the leader.  Strong, demanding, a complete take charge person whose work ethics are extremely high.  Kind of different then the shy person who hides behind her husband in social situations.  I still have friends who argue with me when I say that I really am a shy person.  Those who I let in are few but with them I am completely comfortable and they just don't see that side of me.  For years it was the leader who prevailed in my personal life.  At home I made the decisions, I never asked for permission from anyone.  I didn't need to, I was strong and able to conquer all that I confronted. At least that is what I thought.  Well if I was so good at all of this then why was my marriage struggling so much?  I have never asked Wil what side of my personality he likes best.  The shy person who needs his protection or the strong person that takes charge and doesn't need anyone to tell her what to do.  He would probably say a little of both, I think I will ask him tonight, I may be surprised at the answer. 

So once again, there's nothing in my personality that I can pinpoint that makes me a spanko.  But I am and I have been for as long as I can remember.  All my fantasies even as a child were of being submissive and disciplined.  I have always believed that if someone truly loved me then they would take the time to help make me a better person, lead me and even discipline me.  It's what I asked Wil to do on that fateful night nearly three years ago and thankfully it is something that he agreed to, okay maybe with a little persuasion but that was definitely the old Wil.  The new Wil needs no persuasion at all to be an HOH, leader, and disciplinarian, he's got it down quite well......hmm once again the words, "careful what you wish for" come into play, LOL. 

So what do you think?  Do any of my situations sound familiar to you?  Are there other reasons that you can think of that has made you a spanko?  Or do you think that some of us are just hard wired to live this type of lifestyle?  I'd love to hear what your views are on this.

I'm Baaaack!!!

    Hi everyone....it's been awhile, eight months actually, but I couldn't stay away.  I feel out of sorts when I am not blogging and sharing my experiences in TTWD with all of you.  I thought that perhaps it would be easier to live our own version of DD if I wasn't constantly reading about how other people do it but that just isn't the case.  Wil and I are comfortable in our DD relationship and I know now that how we do things may not be exactly how other people do it, but it works for us.  Well most of the time it does.  Recently I have been having a lot of difficulty with my role as a submissive wife.  I still struggle with the thought that being submissive means being weak in some way.   I was raised in a home where my mother was the dominant force in my parents relationship as well as being very strong willed and controlling.  Because of this I find it hard to accept that a woman doesn't need to be in charge. That following the lead of my husband is the way it should be and for us the way it works best.  But still in the back of my mind I hear that little voice that says, "To be strong you have to be in control."

     Luckily DV over at A Dauntless Journey came to my rescue.  He wrote a very thought provoking blog about the strength of a submissive woman.  Everything he said was exactly what I needed to hear today.  It takes a lot more inner strength to remain submissive to someone then it does to just do as you please. It is so much easier to lead then to follow.  To be in control rather then to be submissive. I think that is what I had forgotten recently.  I am not weak because I submit I am strong.  Strong enough to know what I need in my life and my relationship and strong enough to allow my husband to lead me.  It's time I start living by those standards again and I look forward to the renewed closeness that living TTWD brings. 

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye......

I think as a lot of my followers have figured out I haven't been blogging.  So I wanted to write this post and say goodbye.  It's been a great year and a half and I have enjoyed meeting and reading all of you.  But when something in life becomes a chore it's time to let it go.  Life is just too crazy right now to continue trying to do something that isn't enjoyable.  I got what I wanted and needed out of this blog.  I made friends and you all know who you are.  I learned about DD and how others use it in their lives.  I got to share our DD relationship and both help people with theirs and find help with mine.  But Wil and I are at a place in our DD life that we are confident, comfortable and happy.  It is an awesome place to be.  It is also a place that doesn't leave a lot to talk about. 

We have found our way.  It is exactly where we want to be and exactly where I wish we had always been but good things come to those who wait.  And DD is the greatest gift that we have ever found.  So without making this painful or full of excuses I will sign off with a thank you to all who followed me, read me and stayed in the background as lurkers.  Any and all of you are welcome to contact me at any time with questions or just to say hi at my regular email: Silverdreamer@comcast.net.

I wish all of you well in your journey in the lifestyle you have chosen and I may even stop in every now and then just to say hi. 
Janet